How does a dead rotting corpse relate to a fourth place skeleton finish? Don't worry about common sense. NBC will make it work by cramming every dead brother or gaggle of dying fathers down your throat instead of covering any actual sporting event. Olympic records just mean that much more in the shadow of a deceased grandmother.

The only thing that could save Putin from slipping further down the NBC coverage would be if all those stray dogs happened to be gay and then all the gay stray dogs were terrorists hired by North Korean Comcast employees.

Why watch international athletes compete when there are perfectly new Febreze commercials to witness? The self-care giant has really out done itself, pulling off an impressive dominance over the human experience with new pushes in blue Gillette ads. P&G wants to ensure that mindless consumerism is the winner of the games and they've got just the sentimental music to get it done.

What you don't know might kill you! What's more important: the excitement and tension of a biathlon finish or which local streets are yet to be plowed? With every appearance of an obese, self-loathing news caster, Sochi seems less important. Goodbye metals race, hello school board meeting summary.

Curling is pretty cool and easily maintains its position due to its main fanbase-- stoned dudes who can't find the remote.

Bob Costas is set for a red hot week, and we're not just talking about the puss discharge spewing from his erupting pink eye. Expect big thing as Bob Costas overcompensates as he smears his insufferable smugness all over the victorious athletes.

You can't have the Winter Olympics without snow and you can't have insufferable near constant coverage without uninformed over-analysis. Listen for a week flooded with a bunch of losers try to explain the difference between fresh pow and a course iced over with yesterday's snow.

The Winter Olympics only occur every four years, but Jay Leno retires every two. On one hand you have eighty some nations competing hourly for more than two weeks, on the other hand you have an aged car collector retire for the second time. Congrats on the Tonight Show remaining relevant despite lack of ratings. And, while on the subject of ratings, this is the highest any new NBC show will reach before immediate cancellation at the end of the month.

Expect nearly twelve minutes an hour of actual game coverage. Left for any minute not capable for commercialization or Shaun White commentary, the Olympics receive moderate attention wedged between infomercials about hoses that won't kink. Though NBC has complete ownership of the 98 events and a half dozen channels to show the content, the channel has remained strong in its core belief that no one should be able to watch the games outside of retiree times.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.