INT. DEPRESSING OLD PEOPLE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
FADE IN from old-fashioned candle centerpiece. Paul Giamatti, Stephen Tobolowsky, MATT LIOTTA, and the VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS he has brought along are dining together. PAUL'S BODYGUARD is at a nearby table watching an obsolete portable TV he has placed on the table and eating a very limp shrimp cocktail.
So has Kevin Costner over there scared off the stalker?
No, I'm still getting letters written in period blood. And the guy is a piece of work. Huge asshole.
Well he looks like you, so who could blame him?
That's what I said.
He doesn't look anything like me.
We did figure out who the stalker is though.
Oh, hang on, I'm good at this. Let me guess. Okay...ahhh...is she a fart in a wig?
It's Mira Bauman. She reviews nothing but precious indie movies for Fresh Air on NPR.
You're lucky. At least you have a media stalker. My last stalker was a stripper named Austin.
(in halting English)
The notes she's been sending me said she's going to break into my house and make me a part of her forever. I'm sending my bodyguard in ahead of me to take care of business.
STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKYI hope he's wearing a vest. Those NPR women are vicious. And you know what I heard? All of them have pierced clits.
Get outta here!VIETNAMESE STEWARDESS
What is it, honey?
(pointing to Paul's Bodyguard)
That fat man look just like this fat man.
Paul Giamatti's face goes red and he starts to yell. CUT TO black.
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
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