That's me after some Miller Chills. No biggie.What up dudes? Derek here. And if you ask anyone what I love most (except James, haha you big prick) they'll tell you it's driving. Most days you can find me cruisin' the streets in my Dodge Neon SRT 4. The one with a decal of the spiky haired guy from The Far Side or some shit peeing on the words "gas prices." Yeah. That'd be me. Most people say I'm opinionated.
Some times I'm on my way to my girl Ashleigh's house to watch The Wedding Crashers for the millionth time (it makes you laugh and cry man) but most times I just like to cruise and chill and hope that we stick it out in Iraq cause who doesn't like to spend a lazy Sunday burning through an entire tank of gas on the highway or by letting your car idle with the A/C on in the Applebee's parking lot? I can't be the only guy who likes his car to be at least 50 degrees inside after he's chowed down on a Brewtus Steak Burger.
But recently what I've noticed is this: some people don't drive when they need to get to somewhere. And this makes me angry guys. Why should some dumb asshole get to travel for free when the rest of us are paying more than 4 bucks a gallon? Where I come from, that's called stealing. But just like Dog the Bounty Hunter, I've made it my mission to uphold the values this country was founded under. And you can too. You may think "I'm not racist enough and not even close to Hawaii" but neither am I. All it takes is a simple scream to set things right in the world again. It's easier than James' mom (j/k we're cool)!
Don't tell me this doesn't piss you the hell off.Cyclists
What to scream: FAGGOT!
Whew boy. Nothing gets me madder than some dick on a bike. Especially when the helmet-wearing fruitcake thinks he has the right of way even when I'm at a red light. You know how much I pay for this car a month? 600 bones, and there's insurance too but my mom takes care of that so I don't know how much it is. Anyway I could buy ten of your little sissy bikes with that money with enough left over to buy a cheap beer and throw it in your face for pissing me off. Seriously guys I can't explain the animal rage that flows through my body when I see a bike cross in front of me. Yeah it's bad enough that I'm already stopped, but when someone not in a car is allowed to go on his faggy way I just want to drive home and punch my sister in the face. Maybe it gives me time to switch Blu-rays in my car but I can do that when I'm changing lanes!
If this bike thing catches on maybe people will think cars are a bad idea and that's something I'm not willing to risk because what are we, China!? Get in a car, faggots. And get out of my way.
People Running ErrandsUm, yeah. I don't even have to tell you what's going on here.
What to scream: FAGGOT!
Yikes. You know what I do when I can't get a parking spot at least six spaces away from the door of the Wal-Mart down the street? I drive to the other Wal-Mart across town. Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk my ass off just to pick up another box of those frozen chocolate chip pancakes on a stick. So what do I do when I see some jerkoff hauling a bag of groceries across town? Yeah. That's right. And don't think I'd be happier if this douche bag was taking a bus because that's just as bad (seriously keep those buses away from my neighborhood). It's like they're all "I have no problem walking to get somewhere" but guess what. I do. And I'm gunning it before that little walking man symbol makes me five seconds later to trivia night at BW3. But not before I call them a faggot first.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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