Moist and creamy SA reader Rolm sent in this article proving that despite the piss-poor shape of America's educational system, some countries are in an even worse shape.
Vigilantes mistake pediatrician for pedophile and attack home - Vigilantes vandalized the home of a prominent children"s doctor in Wales, apparently after confusing her title of pediatrician with "pedophile," police said Wednesday. Dr. Yvette Cloete, a specialist in pediatric medicine at the Royal Gwent Hospital, fled her home after her windows and front door were spray-painted with the word "paedo" _ an abbreviation for the British spelling "paedophile," said Karl Close, chief inspector with the Gwent Police. "Are they just so dull they don"t realize the difference between the two?" Close said of the attack, which took place Saturday. "This is a pediatrician who is committed to helping children and somebody targeted her."
Now in the defense of those saucy gits who took it upon themselves to attack a doctor's house, I have seen plenty of movies where the doctor, who was supposed to help people, ended up murdering them. The two examples that immediately spring to mind include "The Dentist" and "The Dentist 2", which, if I'm not mistaken, came after "The Dentist." If this is indeed the case, then I'm very angry at the obviously biased liberal media who chose to exploit the news for their own pro-doctor agenda. This is probably why you never hear about journalist's kids being really sick.
U.S. reducing forces in Persian Gulf - US missiles blasted an Iraqi anti-aircraft site Wednesday after Iraq fired on US and British patrols of the no-fly zone, Pentagon officials said. Iraq said the attack killed a farmer and wounded two other civilians, although a US official questioned that claim.
Okay, here's something I really don't understand. Every time the US military reports they bombed some more Iraqi antiaircraft targets, Iraq counters by claiming a few farmers and children were killed in the attack. These contrasting stories lead me to believe one of two things:
1) Iraq is staffing all their antiaircraft batteries with hicks and kids. This would make sense because I don't think any of their antiaircraft units have ever even successfully launched a missile, much less hit anything flying above them. I can imagine the confusion inside the Iraqi headquarters, packed full of crying children and people hitting computer consoles with pitchforks.
2) The US military hates farmers and is engaging in a genocidal "anti-farming" campaign.
I find the second excuse to be much more plausible, and once I refill my shot glass, I will explain why. You see, Bill Clinton, who last time I checked was a democrat, currently has control over the armed forces. Now before any of you political science majors out there write in explaining how the President doesn't have total control over them and the US has a three-branch judicial system which is weak against water Pokemon and adds a +7 to STR, let me assure you that I don't really care. I'm using my illustration for the sake of simplicity and the fact that I don't know what I'm talking about. Actually, I really have no clue what I was originally going to say, so I will end this news article right here. However, this news article does bring up a very interesting point: "never try to update your news when you've had three hours of sleep."
Breast implant prize in B.C. pub's contest attracts entries, criticism - There's no skill-testing question, no test of strength, no entry fee - and no shame say critics of a controversial contest that offers breast implants as the prize. The Win Boobs contest at Tommy's Bar and Grill offers the winner $3,000 for breast implants. "Tommy's is offering to you the chance of a lifetime," reads the bar's Web site. "You have a shot at winning BOOBS. That is right, you did read correctly."
Hot and spicy reader Dave sent in this gem. I find it appropriate that some woman will get bigger breasts from a place that gives men bigger breasts. Ever since I started going to the bar down the street, I've gotten man-boobs the size of mature squid.
Always ready to celebrate and trumpet the triumphs of the gaming industry, Something Awful has branched out into creating a new series of "Heroes of the Gaming World Trading Cards". Check it out:
As gaming quickly approaches being considered a valid profession and sport, the gaming industry is creating it's own version of celebrities and online personalities. Much like baseball and Pokemon, kids are clamoring to collect and trade cards depicting their favorite heroes and stars. With this in mind, Something Awful is proud to present "Heroes of the Gaming World: The Trading Card Series." This webpage will spotlight the newest rising stars and provide a copy of each card in the series.
The new blue deck contains such testaments to gaming greatness as Cliffy B., Gamefan, and 3DFX, so check 'em out before I'm sued!
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.