Feeling alone in a hedgerow maze? No one to swing your cane at? Haunted by Victorian mourners and fiddling dandies? Weird dogs? Death dreams? The Perfect Drug can help resolve your fancy maladies.
Internal body hardness - Reznorfil may cause a desirable hardening of the body's normally soft inner regions.
Excellent vision - Stupid eyes can be treated.
Cardiac arrow impalement - The drug will travel straight to the heart.
Head unraveling - You will still have your head.
Poor sense of direction and balance - Lack of control accompanied by an inability to keep track of where you have been.
Heart badness - You will still have your heart.
Tremors - Taking Reznorfil may cause shaking.
Destruction of sun, stars - Metaphorical. Or is it?
Death in equal proportion to giving - Stop giving and you will stop dying.
Severe physical addiction - Reznorfil cannot take you with it.
Please consult your weird, childlike physician if you experience blood urges or soul fears. Failure to follow the recommended dosage as instructed by a scrap of paper caught on a topiary may result in everything falling apart.
Squirt 3-4 drops over a sugar cube and into a shot of absinthe once every three hours as needed forever. If you find yourself bursting out shadowy pools or with the facial hair of a Wild West sheriff please lie down and prepare to become a ghost.
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.