Sorry, triangles! You've officially gone out of style.Congratulations on the end of another successful year at PharaohTech! It's been a while since we at the PharaohTech corporate offices have felt the need to send out any kind of official correspondence, as it's in our best interest to promote an atmosphere of abject ignorance and hopelessness. However, certain changes in the economy have recently made it necessary to tear all of our fortune-tellers in half with horses and also restructure our Secure Labor and Violent Enforcement (SLAVE) program to best suit the needs of our company.
If you awoke to one of our Courtesy Care Specialists burning the forbidden mark into your forehead, we regret to inform you that you will soon be sealed into our "Downsizing Cavern" with thousands of your fellow SLAVEs. We assume you will enjoy your life in a nightmarish new society centered around cannibalism and brutality, and we politely ask that you stop reading at this point.
If you've managed to make it this far by ignoring the anguished screams of your fellow human beings as they are dragged off to a future of complete darkness and new employment opportunities, congratulations. You're now ready for a new year of exciting changes and unforeseen horrors!
Our new vice president. He may look a little odd, but he's an okay guy as long as you give him a wide berth and don't stare at the genitals on the back of his neck.From day one, PharaohTech has been centered around building increasingly improbable burial plots according to the whims of infallible child leaders. But, as the business world changes, we must also change. Our productivity was once bolstered by the fact that our Pharaohs were in power for no longer than a year thanks to certain safety issues we've tried to make a number one priority.
But since our newest leader has made it nearly three years into his reign without accidentally being impaled in the Grand Advisor's chamber or falling victim to a poisonous bite from one of the many of the protective snakes in his bed chamber, we at PharaohTech are reaching the end of a project for the first time in recorded history. And the plague of locusts which blotted out the sun for months did nothing but make the hot summer days more bearable, mostly due to the increased shade and refreshing, inescapable locust scent.
Due to this decreased workload, PharaohTech has partnered with AMC (Alien Monument Construction) and will be known as PharaohTech: a Division of AMC starting next year. Best known for their work stacking giant stones against each other for no reason, Alien Monument Construction will provide larger and more impractical assignments for our devoted PharaohTech staff until our current Pharaoh meets an unexpected and untraceable fate, possibly inside a woven sack. What does this mean for you? After your year-end feast of one larval beetle (generously provided by our friends at AMC), you will hereby report to the Conference Room of Unending Despair for your briefing on PharaohTech and AMC's premiere effort, The Memorial Stack of Giant, Weird Shaped Stones that are Kind of Leaning Against Each Other for Some Reason. We are currently searching for a new name for this project, but please remember that those who provide suggestions will be whipped mercilessly for insubordination.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.