Who are the writing wizards that came up with THIS one? Am i right?As a SLAVE, you may be wondering what changes the PharaohTech/AMC merger will have in store for you, and if this new partnership will bring the quick, painless death you pray for on those nights you are allowed sleep. Using a new AMC-engineered technology known as "Patronizing," we'll provide you with a few hints of what to expect in the next year.
As you can plainly see, our new partnership is clearly best for everyone except you, and that's always been the primary goal of our business plan. When even the energy to commit suicide has been drained from our loyal workforce by the end of the day, we know we've done our job. That's the PharaohTech difference.
Imagine this, but more Egypt-y. That's the future.As a change of pace from our normal conclusion telling you to have a happy new year, and also because it would cut down on productivity if you actually had a happy new year, we've decided to end this annual PharaohTech newsletter with messages from your fellow SLAVEs on their belief in the future of the PharaohTech/AMC merger. We think it will distract you briefly from the unending gauntlet of anguish that is your life.
"I am excited for PharaohTech and hope this means I can have my foot back this year."
"You will give me some water if i say a nice thing? Say PharaohTech makes me happy? What is happy?"
"Nothing will change. I want to die, but to say I am truly alive is blasphemy."
"Good. I'm sick of drawing so many birds. Half of our alphabet is goddamned birds. Thanks, Todd."
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.