Welcome again to Philosophy Sunday, our occasional feature where we discuss matters of great philosophical importance in the dense and serious way Something Awful is known for. A few months ago we managed to get together some of the best philosophers in the business for a meeting of the minds. Today, I am proud to say that we have managed that again, and would like to introduce another esteemed panel. Before we hear from them though, I'd like to bring out a special guest announcer, Indiana Jones, to introduce today's topic:

Thank you Indy, and thank you to everyone who came today. And now, point: Why did it have to be snakes?

Charles Darwin

"I have perused my library of scientific manuals and if you will allow me the liberty to quote one in particular, this one entitled, 'The Wikipedia Entry on Snakes', you will see that 'All snakes are capable of lateral undulation, in which the body is flexed side-to-side, and the flexed areas propagate posteriorly, giving the overall shape of a posteriorly propagating sine wave.'

Clearly, movement of this type, perfectly suited for its environment, could only come from the loving hands of God our creator. He, our mighty and just Lord, gave us snakes so that all creatures would have some vile thing to look down upon, for the serpent was cursed upon its sins in Eden.

The bible says it, I believe it, I have a long beard, end of story."

"You know, I don't feel comfortable answering this question. I'm not really that great of a speaker or one of those thinker guys. God sort of always told me what to say. Hey, tell you what. I'm pretty sure God knows about snakes because he once had me do this sweet magic trick with a snake so let me go ask him about it and I'll bring back his answer, ok? BRB"

Moses

Solid Snake

"..."
"Once upon a time a young boy was walking through the Land of Lollypops. He came upon a snake and the snake said, 'Follow me, for what other choice do you have?' So the young boy followed him through the Land of Lollypops to the Great Chocolate Waterfall where the snake told him to sodomize another young boy who the snake had already tied to the Rock Candy Boulder.

The boy was aghast and didn't know what to do. Just then, the king of the Land of Lollypops, Mesus Bhrist, appeared in the sky above him.

'Don't follow the snake, for he deceives you,' the King said in a booming voice. 'Follow me, and I will take you the Cotton Candy Factory in the Sky. But first you must get all the other boys and girls to follow me too, through whatever means necessary.'

So the little boy did as he was told and the snake was sent to the Molten Fudge Hell for Evil Sinners. And that is why it didn't have to be snakes, and it should never be snakes.

Also this story is only as Christian as you want it to be and I personally enjoy the well fleshed out characters and exciting action."

C. S. Lewis

St. Augustine

"Augustine… Oh man, my name is sooo familiar. I know I've heard of me somewhere. It probably was that Western Civ class my freshman year.

Yeah, now I remember. I had something to do with Christianity, right? Like I was a big Jesus guy, right? I kind of remember that. I wrote some huge book I think. Man, I got like a few pages into that and I just thought 'Whoa, I am the most boring fucking writer I've ever read,' and then I just gave up. I'm sure there were some real deep concepts in there, but I guess I'm just not the type of person to really get me.

Wish I could help you, dude, but I dunno what I thought the snakes were there for."

"ME HATE EVERYONE ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH"

Noam Chomsky

Umberto Eco

"Indiana Jones felt the cold floor of the pit beneath him as snakes slithered greedily over each other's bodies, reaching dripping, sharp fangs in the direction of his unprotected neck. He couldn't help, at that moment, thinking back to the Papal Dispute of 1254, a year in which the church's relationship to the King of France was much the same as that vicious serpentine beast to Indy's neck.

When Pope Naive IV was replaced in a sudden violent dispute by Pope Unimpeachable X, the King's reaction was an immediate message to Bishop Curdwile in which he said 'Les français sucent sérieusement si vous êtes espoir français de I que vous baisez lisant ceci parce que je ris de vous en ce moment.' which as you can imagine was perceived as quite a clever joke by the Bishop who responded 'La gente italiana è ancora più difettosa della gente che francese significo seriamente se state leggendo questo speranza di I morite lentamente nelle venti quattro ore prossime.'

This all would have remained a casual dialogue between the two great powers of Europe had not the King's advisor, a nobleman of the Franceestlaide region, noticed a cleverly hidden message in the Bishop's letter oh by the way Indy's dead he was killed by a snake now back to this important history lesson."

"Me, well, I'm a man of faith. Do you really think all this is an accident -- that we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence -- especially, this place? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason, all of us. Each one of us was brought here for a reason.

Hey, hey, don't you walk away from me. You don't know who you're dealing with. Don't ever tell me what I can't do, ever. This is destiny. This is destiny. This is my destiny. I'm supposed to do this, dammit. Don't tell me what I can't do. Don't tell me what I can't. . .

I've done everything you wanted me to do. So why did you do this? Why?"

John Locke

Moses

"Alright, I'm back with a tablet from the big guy, let me just give it a read here. Ok, it seems that it had to be snakes because without them the scene in the pit would have lacked dramatic tension and really how excited would it have been to watch them scramble desperately out of any empty pit? That wouldn't have made any sense at all.

Oh, and He'd also like to remind LARPers to please stop.

Just.

Please.

STOP."

"Snake! I am actually a bad guy or maybe I don't exist! Also your mission wasn't what you thought it was!"

Colonel Roy Campbell

Solid Snake

"What?!? But…"
"HA HA HA HA!!!"

Colonel Roy Campbell

Otacon

"Snake? Can you read me snake? Snake?!? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!!"

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink

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