The PlayStation 4 comes out in North America on Friday. If you haven't already pre-ordered and aren't standing in a line right this second, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else is going to have all the fun and there will not be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Well, that's not entirely true. If you're desperate enough there are a few ways to get a PS4. None of them are guaranteed to work and a few are definitely illegal, but given the alternative you don't have much of a choice.
Infiltrate the factory where the PS4 is produced. Gain the trust of your co-workers. Seduce as many people as you need to. When no one is looking, make your move: Examine a PS4 closely and take pictures if possible. When you get home, bust out your dremel and a pile of old computer parts and do your best to replicate what you saw.
The Straightforward Approach
The PlayStation 4's killer app, Octodad: Dadliest Catch.Wait in line for hours like a sucker. Pass the time by thinking about how this is so beneath you, silently judging the common urchins that surround you. When you get to the front, buy $400 worth of tickets for Ender's Game. Go on to the internet and try to find someone with a PS4 that would be willing to make a 1:1 trade.
Call The Doctor
Look at the terms of Obamacare very closely. Find a part that mentions a free PS4. It has to be in there. It has to be! The whole program is about bankrupting honest Real Americans and handing out silly stuff like jet skis and stereos, right? If it was just affordable health care everyone wouldn't have gotten so angry.
Not Too Proud
Call the manager of your local game store and explain that you really want one. Cry. Offer to buy a 100 year protection plan, a disc cleaner, and a lifetime subscription to Game Informer.
Buy a playstation 3. File off the 3, then in its place write "4". Be sure to use a permanent marker or this will NOT work.
Take some spit and a chunk of steel wool to your driver's license. Rub it until your name is smeared. Wear a trench coat and fake mustache. Walk into a store that offered pre-orders on the PS4.
Be calm. Do not fidget or look around nervously. Using the deepest fake voice you can muster, explain that you are there to pick up your legally purchased video game console.
When the clerk asks for your name, hand over your obscured driver's license and mumble something that could be mistaken for practically any name. Keep repeating the nonsense words until the clerk looks at their list of pre-orders and offers a name.
Shake your head at the first one. It might be a name they just made up to trick you. Nod when they offer the second name.
Perform kind acts. Help elderly people across the street. Hold doors open for strangers. Hope that someone you help is either a billionaire or a Sony executive, and that they will reward you with a PS4.
Take a screenshot of an established games press outlet such as Gamespot. Buy a domain with a name like geekgaming or lustfulgamer or angrygrumpygamer and make your screenshot the front page. Now contact Sony, providing a link to your site and explaining that you are a very important member of the enthusiast press whose very livelihood will fall apart if you don't get a PS4 debug unit. Preferably one with gold trimming, on a little pillow with your name embroidered on it.
Take Door Number Two
Find a store where people are camped out with sleeping bags and tents. Bide your time until everyone falls asleep. Taking great care to be as quiet as possible, brick up the store's front door. Now knock a hole in the wall approximately 20 yards to the side and construct a door that is identical to the one you just covered up. Stand next to this door, the first person in line.
A Heist For The Ages
Remember that movie Ocean's Eleven? Recreate the heist that they pull off. When you're done, take your cut and spend it all on an overpriced PS4 on eBay.
On The Hook
Head on down to PlayStation 4 Lake. Get yourself a sturdy length of wood. Use some string to tie a hook at the end. Cast your line into the water and wish for the best.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The good news is the republican convention is over. The bad news is if I can escape this police car how do I anull a marriage??
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.