AnalDawg lived long ago, and was a man of great pleasures. He had a kind heart and a mind for studying and providing pleasure in all its forms. He was the first International Pleasure Coach and traveled the globe to teach any who would listen, as well as pick up new esoteric pleasure tips along the way. In fact, he was a renaissance man according to many pleasure scholars. AnalDawg passed years ago, but his legacy is mourned by many. They remember how valiantly he fought in the Pleasure Wars, and some of his recently-unearthed writings may change everything we know about pleasure. The bulk of his achievements are for another day, however.
During his travels, AnalDawg met Dildo Aaron. Aaron owned a great many dildos, and rode around town on a dirtbike while sucking on dildos. If you've seen Arnold flip that shotgun around while riding a motorcycle in Terminator 2, Aaron also flipped his dildos around like that. His rival in town was the sheriff who hated dildos (and who tried to arrest him even though he wasn't breaking any laws), but despite that, Dildo Aaron made quite the living for himself dealing dildos to AnalDawg and anyone else in need of a high-quality pleasure apparatus. He even had a storefront and would deal to the highest-profile clients, even the Mayor. Through much toiling in his workshop, Dildo Aaron successfully constructed the first Master Dildo. It was of a neutral energy, but there existed a capacity for light and dark. This neutral dildo was destined to remain at Aaron's side.
After learning via dildogram that such a thing could be possible, AnalDawg was able to construct the Light Dildo, but fearing that it would be matched by a dark force, he buried it while on an expedition to a certain Pleasure Lagoon many miles from where anyone would find it. This lagoon was known in ancient times to harness certain pleasure properties. A cave near the lagoon was speckled with crystals that jutted out from the floor and glowed with a faint purple light at night. These were Pleasure Crystals, and they were AnalDawg's key to unlocking the secrets of pleasure that had been hidden since the dark times. They exhibited healing properties and could help mend any hole damaged by excess pleasure in record time. Years later, a keen college student named Swimp would study the strange crystal formations at length.
Years before his death, AnalDawg saw fit to train an apprentice. He selected PleasureKevin-- a man with an innate pleasuring ability and a willingness to ask questions. Kevin was certainly savvy, but something within him clearly burned for fame and fortune rather than a humble life based around simple pleasuring. The two trained constantly for years without issue, but as time progressed, AnalDawg could feel a change in PleasureKevin. He was becoming nearly hostile. At points, it felt like Kevin was no longer pleasuring for the sake of pleasure, but for another purpose that AnalDawg couldn't quite put his finger on-- or in. The two eventually found themselves at odds daily, and one afternoon a realization struck AnalDawg-- PleasureKevin must have been constructing his own Master Dildo. Clearly troubled by what he knew, AnalDawg became a recluse. Training ended, contact with the outside world slowed to a halt, and AnalDawg died a few weeks later. Without a proper order of succession for pleasure coaches, PleasureKevin took over AnalDawg's studies and obligations, and he reigned for several dark years as the world's foremost authority on pleasure.
Much time passed, and PleasureKevin sat on his perch high atop the city. An old movie theater had been converted into the PleasurePlex, which became PleasureKevin's base of operations. As the winds whipped around him dozens of stories up, he recalled the local television program he once wrote and hosted, The Pleasure Palace. He taught the ways of pleasure to viewers at home as a way to atone to himself after AnalDawg's death. Interestingly enough, his evangelism caused Dildo Aaron to sell thousands of dildos. Dildo Aaron-- a man Kevin had never gotten along with after the death of his mentor-- had indeed benefited greatly from his years of hard work, and had amassed a small fortune.
With a slight groan he returned to reality. Stumbling down from his pleasure throne, he tightened the series of belts around his torso one by one and checked that the Dark Dildo-- now completed and holstered at his side-- was secure. He wore nothing but his torso belts, holster, three-inch heels, and a tight leather mask over his head that covered his senses completely. His eyes, nose, and ears were all covered by this leather hood, but he seemed to be able to see and hear perfectly well. If you'd drop a pin-- or a dildo-- he would turn his head directly toward it. With a sense of urgency he clopped his heels toward the Pleasure Elevator. A pleasure drone approached, grovelingly.
"Master, what is amiss? Is your Pleasure Bedpan in need of a cha--"
With a short sequence of button presses on PleasureKevin's holstered dildo, the drone was sent flying off the building. Kevin was clearly agitated. He could sense that his Dark Dildo was no longer the dominant pleasure force. Someone had built... or found... a Light Dildo. But who? And why now...?
The fifth phase of the week is upon us. Shops close, bars open, and we are free from the Bosses once more. But They Who Were Before Time await our tribute...
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
We'd like to thank Mr. Elba for taking the time to make this possible.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.