Election 2004 is today and, if you're like most of America, you still have no idea what any candidate stands for or how they're fundamentally different from each other. Both want the government to grow to gigantic sizes, they just have different opinions as to what departments should grow. Both want to accept large payments from private interest groups that dictate what policies they should believe in, they just have different opinions as to what groups should write them the largest checks. Both want to protect America from evil terrorists and people intent on ruining our great country, they just have different opinions as to what countries should have the right to hate us. To make matters worse, you can't watch television or listen to the radio for more than twelve consecutive seconds without hearing a whiny, annoying, dirty political ad featuring one politician bitching about the other shortly before obscenely patriotic music begins to play and they spend roughly nine nanoseconds talking about themselves. Elections are no longer about voting for a candidate, they are all about voting against a candidate.
So who do you choose this Tuesday? Beats the hell out of me; I always fill out write-in votes for Batman every election. But to help you form a decision based primarily on ignorant comments and poorly written tripe posted on a so-called "comedy" website whose most important breaking news article concerned the unhealthy diet promoted in the game Bubble Bobble, we have put together a point / counterpoint article where I, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, and Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons weigh in on our opinions regarding both George Bush and John Kerry. We hope after reading this informative update you, the reader, will feel more prepared to form an educated opinion of your own and this newfound education will cause you to stop reading our terrible articles here.
TOPIC #1: Who has the best domestic economic policy?Computer simulation of what would happen if George Bush - I mean John Kerry - is re-elected to another four years in the White House.
Rich: George W. Bush Jr. has done nothing for our economy except make the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. This guy I went to college with, I forget his name but his last name was some kind of bird I think like "Eddie Falcon" or "Joe Parrot" or something like that, he's the poorest guy I know. He lost his job to some foreigner four years ago when he refused to come in to TCBY for nine consecutive weeks, yet another cog in George Bush's scheme to outsource America.
Now my friend whose name I can't remember, a good guy who was poor to begin with, is even more poor four years later. He used to sell Everquest items on eBay back then for about $500 a month, but now he can't even do that because he had to sell his computer for tickets to see R. Kelly, so his income has dropped from $500 to $0. How has George Bush's economic policy helped him? Eddie or Joe or whatever his name just sits around playing Madden 2004 all day on his Xbox, as he's too broke to go see a movie or kick back a few cold ones at a bar. How has our economy improved if the lower class are losing more and more money and can't even sell enchanted monk headwear to make ends meet?
John Kerry's economic plan ensures that every American will be on a more balanced playing field. He'll give poor people more money so they will have better opportunities to spend money just like every American is guaranteed in the Constitution or the 10 Commandments or whatever, and he'll take money away from the rich people who caused people like my friend what's-his-name to be broke in the first place. John Kerry knows that the best way to improve America's economy is by creating jobs, so he'll create a bunch of high paying, respectful government "payment redistribution" positions that allow poor people the chance to take money from rich people and hand it out on the streets like in "Robocop 3." And, if you'll recall, Robocop ended up flying around the city in that movie, so vote for Kerry if you want Robocop to fly. If you're poor and you really hate any aspect of your life whatsoever, like my friend Joe or Ed or whatever he said his name was, then you should vote for Kerry because he'll personally write you a check and then play a game of Madden 2004 against you on XBox Live. He'll even play as the Ravens if you ask him to.
Zack: John Kerry has a great economic plan if you like higher taxes, fewer jobs, increased road tolls, more parking tickets, and oil that costs more per gallon than liquid diamonds. John Kerry is the most liberal Senator, making Ted Kennedy the second most liberal Senator in the state of Taxachusetts. As you well know, liberal = communism and communism = raising the taxes for an enlarged welfare state. Kerry supported the death tax. The DEATH tax, people. He's not happy taxing you while you're alive, he wants to tax you after you are dead. He will dig up your corpse, turn you upside down, and shake you to see if any money falls out of your pockets. Kerry will tell you that his tax increase is only for people making more than 200,000 dollars a year, but that includes 9,000 small businesses and 4,500 REALLY small businesses! If they have to pay more taxes that means they will fire people to pay the taxes and so the joblessness rate will increase. People won't want to make more money because then they will have to pay more taxes, and the American Dream will die like a vampire without blood that gets all shriveled up and dusty.
George W. Bush gave us tax cuts. George W. Bush gave us almost 1.5 million jobs, even in the face of national tragedies like the Clinton recession and 9/11. George W. Bush is committed to helping workers find jobs by offering to let them go back to school if they want to if they get fired. And even if they don't want to they don't have to worry about getting fired because George W. Bush gives billions to business to make sure they can't fire you. Bush believes in Free Trade, which includes the word "Free" so is basically "Freedom Trade". If you believe in freedom, jobs, and economies then George W. Bush should have your vote.
A copy of President George Bush's recent letter to Congress, regarding him Hopkin green frog.
TOPIC #2: Who can provide better solutions for health care?
Rich: Medicare costs are at an all-time high under Bush's regime. It costs the average elderly person almost $239 for a single bottle of aspirin, even more if they want the child-proof cap. Hospitals are so crowded that if you go inside one of them and sit in the hallways, blocking everybody from passing while screaming obscenities at every single doctor you see, they will probably force you to leave! This is hardly my definition of a truly free and prosperous America! Elderly people are going so broke with America's health care system that many of them are ordering drugs from Canada just so they'll have a sufficient supply of roofies and marijuana to live comfortably in their remaining days. This just confirms the saying that "every time you buy something from Canada, America has failed."
Under John Kerry, health care and medical costs will drop by something like, I don't know, a million percent. Maybe even more. He plans on doing this by cutting waste in the health care industry. For example, if a doctor tries to throw away a used tongue depressor, John Kerry will run into the examination room and pull it out of the trash and say "this still looks good, I can't even see any germs on it" and then he'll even rub it against his tie to sterilize it. Kerry also promises health care coverage for every child in America, even adults who act like children when they learn Blockbuster doesn't own a copy of "She's Gotta Have It" in stock and they really, really wanted to watch it. If Kerry is elected, he will provide mandatory health care coverage for every American at reasonable, affordable prices such as $20 per problem. Like if you get your arm torn off by a wild buffalo, that would only be $20. But if you sat on a GI Joe and it went up your ass and got lodged inside your colon, that would be $20 plus an additional $20 for every accessory on it including helmet, gun, and little tiny envelope addressed from Hans Blix.
Zack: John Kerry proposes reforms on healthcare that require massive tax increases for government-provided and extremely substandard care. Do you like the government telling you what doctor you can visit? How about telling you when to have an abortion? Or get breast implants? Under John Kerry every woman will be surrounded by the ghosts of dozens of her aborted fetuses and will have a bad back from the weight of her 56 inch saline implants. John Kerry will marry two lesbians and then abort their baby and give them breast implants all in the same day. Even if they don't want to be married. John Kerry is presiding over the holocaust of the 21st century, and it has huge tits.
Any rational person would vote for George W. Bush on the issue of healthcare. Before becoming Governor of Texas George W. Bush was a country doctor who traveled from town to town healing the sick. In 1978 alone, President Bush placed his hand in front of 280 women's uteruses, blocking the abortion doctor from murder. Unlike John Kerry, George W. Bush believes in the Hippocratic oath, and believes that physicians should only use "light magic" for healing. They can use light magic to harm undead, but only because those are an abomination in God's Eyes. If a practicing physician uses "dark magic" or even necromancy - even if it is supposedly to help someone else - they will be sent to the Island of Lost Souls. This also applies to X-rays which use phantom beams that are Against God.
TOPIC #3: Who is tougher on terror?President George W. W. W. III Bush drinking the Blood of Christ to appease his savage Mormon god.
Rich: I've had to sit through four years of George W. Bush Jr. declaring war on every single peaceful country in the Middle East that he has a grudge against just because their leaders are very religious people who believe in their cause so much that they're willing to blow up innocent women and children walking around enemy pagan fruit stands. Does he think that he's the only person who can truly believe in their religion? If he thinks bombs and missiles are a violent way to show faith in your god, perhaps he should stop drinking Christ's blood for a while. I mean, seriously, chugging down cups full of god's blood? That's the most cruel and disgusting thing I've ever heard of, and I cannot believe that this country was led by a man who regularly believes he was drinking platelets from our Lord and Savior. During George Bush's presidency, we've seen countless terrorists escape and hide in the mountains, while upstanding, wholesome Americans like Christopher Reeve and Dale Earnhardt died. If that's not a flaw in his priorities, I don't know what is! Also I read something about some company named "Hally Barton" or something and I think that was a tuna fish canning company Dick Cheney owned that sold stock to terrorists or something. Perhaps George's Unitarian god isn't as powerful as he thought he was!
John Kerry doesn't make a big deal about drinking the blood of his god, despite the fact that his family raised him to the contrary. I believe this quality will make him more impartial and levelheaded when he comes to fighting the war on terror. I recently read an interview of John Kerry where he said he was going to "eliminate" terrorists. Now that is an awesome idea, one I wish the Bush team would've come up with. Every time my friend Jack tells me about the news, he says "all these innocent Iraqis were killed" or "a bunch of American soldiers were killed." I mean, what the fuck George? I didn't vote for you on the platform of "I'll murder innocent Americans" or "I'll murder innocent Iraqis," and I'm not sure which one of your campaign managers claimed this would be a good stance to take, but you should probably fire them. I want you to make the bad guys die, not the good guys! Also Ted Bagleaducia told me that Bush invented a machine which transforms Iraqi babies into oil, and I'll just let you know bub, I refuse to refuel my 1983 Volkswagen Golf with infants, no matter what country they are from.
Zack: I have heard John Kerry make a lot of claims about being tough on terror, but that's all they are; "claims". Kerry can run from his record in the Senate, but he can't hide, and that record says that he voted to equip our troops with boiled eggs and lengths of wet rope over 900 times. How are our troops supposed to fight terror? By swinging wet ropes around? That's what John Kerry wants. He wants us to go to the United Nations, get down on our hands and knees, and beg to let us go slap terrorists with those wet ropes. I give Kerry's "Global Test" a big fat "F", and that "F" stands for "France", which is who he wants to give veto power of national security to. If you want some limp-wristed frog telling us we can't kick Islamofascist ass for old Red, White, and Blue then John Kerry is the man for you.
George W. Bush, on the other hand, has spent the last four years fighting the war on terror for the American people. Through his blood, sweat, and tears, we have captured or killed over 75% of Al Qaeda's guys and whatnot. In the face of weak-kneed allies like Germany and France, enduring the commie questioning of the liberal media, George W. Bush has forged ahead with a successful plan to protect America. He personally built the Department of Homeland Security. He supported the 9/11 commission. He urged Congress to pass U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.O.K.A.Y.L.I.B.E.R.T.Y.A.M.E.R.I.C.A to give the FBI, CIA, and FDA the powers needed to effectively combat terrorism. If you value your security and you value the freedom of coloreds around the world then George W. Bush is the man for you.
TOPIC #4: Who will lose the least amount of explosives in Iraq?The election procedure.
Rich: I saw a headline for some news thing on my AIM client that mentioned something about President Bush "losing" over 300 tons of explosives in Iraq. That is insane! How can you possibly lose 300 tons of explosives? One time I lost a five-pound bag of Brach's Jelly Beans that my mom bought, and I had to look over the house until I found it. Honestly, it wasn't that difficult to track it down, I simply looked behind the TV stand. According to my estimates, five pounds of Jelly beans is like 1/300th the size of 300 tons, so why the heck can't George bush find all those bombs and guns and missiles and shit? Aren't those things huge? How big are TV stands in Iraq? Mine here is five feet wide, so according to my calculations, the one over there must be at least 1500 feet wide! How can Iraq afford such a monumentally large television stand... unless they are selling explosives to finance it?!?
To the best of my knowledge, John Kerry has never lost 300 tons of explosives, either in Iraq or any other location. If I had enough money to make bumper stickers, I'd produce a whole shitload of ones that say "JOHN KERRY - NOT LOSING 300 TONS OF EXPLOSIVES SINCE 1473." I don't know what specifically happened in 1473, but I can assure you it was nothing involving John Kerry and the loss of explosives. In fact, I don't think bombs or missiles even existed in 1473, which just goes to prove that a vote for John Kerry is a vote for peace, whereas a vote for George Bush is a vote for a piece... OF DEATH. I'd estimate that if John Kerry is elected, he'd lose maybe 100 or 200 tons of explosives in Iraq at most, which is a definite improvement over President Bush, and a majority of those explosives could probably be located in between his cheek creases.
Zack: John Kerry would lose the least amount of explosive because he would be busy giving them to terrorists. He would know exactly who got them all and he would be happy for Osama to have 100 tons of yellow cakes and 500 tons of BMX explosives. Kerry wants the terrorists to win because he knows that the only way liberals can win in America is if they defeat freedom and Osama also wants to defeat freedom. Their friend of their friend of the enemy type of thing.
George W. Bush would lose more explosives, because he would be busy kicking terrorist ass, but even if they get explosives their asses are going to be so kicked that they can't do anything except BLOW UP THEIR OWN ASS. George W. Bush might lose them, but he can also find them using satellites and helicopters, and then it's like in Robocop when they have the tracking light blinking on that little map thing. Bush can track Osama to the steel mill and then he can send Tommy Franks and Delta Force in with Cobra Guns and Osamacop won't have a helpful sidekick to shoot the guy after he drops the steel because George W. Bush has caught 75% of Robocop's leadership.
TOPIC #5: Who is better on the critical Vietnam War issue?A guide to determining appropriate candidates.
Rich: George Bush CLAIMED he served in the Air Force 467th Reserves, a section of the armed forces that is sent into combat right after the Boy Scouts and right before Captain Crunch's Anti-Soggy Division. However, recent information leaks and sensitive military informants have claimed that Bush didn't do anything during his duty except throw footballs through tire hoops and use Morse Code to order chinese food. Bush was supposed to fly a plane and drop bombs on minorities, but there are no records of him doing much of either. In fact, when recently asked if he had ever successfully flown a plane that dropped bombs on minorities to protect America, Bush didn't respond at all! Perhaps he didn't hear the question because I asked it over 2,100 miles away from wherever he was campaigning at the time, and I assumed there was some transmitter relaying my questions to him via mindphone in my closet hamper, but that doesn't change the fact that he is the President and has some tough questions to answer!
On the other hand, John Kerry proudly drove a boat around a lake and was given a colorful assortment of medals after being shot at by his own soldiers. Some group of Republicans named the "Swift Boat Campaign" or some such nonsense have been buying ads saying that Kerry is a liar and he never deserved any medals and he never even went to Vietnam, he just played a Doom II mod that replaced Imps with samurais, but they are all confused and stupid because they are elderly and their brains have disintegrated under Bush's failing health care system. Kerry proudly served his country and, if given the opportunity, I'm sure he'd drive another boat around a lake to display his patriotism to the world.
Zack: A lot of people say that John Kerry is better just because he actually went to the country of Vietnam, but people who say this don't know the facts. John Kerry went to Vietnam and intentionally crashed his boat into the river bank to get a purple star. Then while he was on leave he went and met with Hochee Man and Jane Fonda to conspire to commit war crimes for the Viet Cong. He gave US Secrets to the Vietnamese and laughed at US prisoners in the jails in Vietnam. Then after the war he came home and threw his medals at President Bush, but they weren't even his medals, they were someone else's medals. When Congress asked him about it he accused the US of committing war crimes and he had a bunch of fake soldiers with him who also lied about Vietnam. This made America look retarded, so if you think making America look retarded is cool then smoke some more of that wacky weed and burn a flag. If you want to know more search for "Boat Veterans" on the Internet or check out Newsmax.com.
George W. Bush was at home defending America while John Kerry was out being a traitor. While Kerry was meeting secretly with Hochee Man, George W. Bush was flying a jet to protect us from the Vietnamese air force. How many Americans died in Vietnamese bombing raids on the US? Zero. None. All thanks to George Bush and the Air National Guard who downed hundreds of bogies in whirling dogfights over the Gulf of Mexico. A lot of liberals point to mysterious holes in Bush's record saying he was AWOL or whatever, but what they don't realize is that George W. Bush was on secret missions. He was sent into Vietnam to recover the US Secrets that John Kerry gave to Hochee Man. He succeeded and that's why we won that war and Bush's reward was to come home and be spit on by liberals and have medals thrown at him by John Kerry.
In closing, don't listen to what advice a website offers regarding an election because we're all dumb retards.
Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.
Are you ready to be consistently depressed by how you're throwing your money and life away? Check out Loot Crate's 2015 lineup of upcoming crates!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.