Patrick Duffy once mistook a prostitute for a woman.Many people have asked me, "Hey buddy, how do you get all the chicks? Are you a Freemason or something?" and I reply, "What? Huh? Are you talking to me?!" and they say, "Wait. Aren't you Patrick Duffy?" and I say, "Why yes, yes I am. How are you?" For a while I felt guilty about my impersonation of Patrick Duffy. It took thirteen years of therapy to overcome it. For those that don't know, Patrick Duffy is an accomplished actor who has starred in such televsion programs as Dallas and Step by Step. His film career is just as successful. Duffy, age 55, has enjoyed leading roles in such classic films as Danielle Steel's "Daddy", Dallas: J.R. Returns, and Death Scouts. In 2000 Duffy was quoted as saying, "I miss regular television. I miss the work ethic of those 5 day a week things. So, eventually, I'd like to get back to that." Patrick Duffy what happened? We miss you. Please come back to television.
What follows is the very same guide Patrick Duffy used to become the man he is today. I wrote it over 60 years ago and it has helped men woo women under the "Capture and Release" policy of the Minnesota State Fish and Wildlife Commission.
Dating is the activity in which men and women try to trick eachother into getting what they want from eachother. Men want sticky drunken sex while women want dinner at an expensive restaurant, expensive jewelry, or the man's testicles, preferably expensive ones. The goal is to get what you want while not giving up what they want. As a man you want to have sex with a woman without spending a dime. Left to his own devices this would never happen. So just how does this "dating" occur then? It's simple, through the magical technique known as lying.
Lying is the most important aspect of the entire dating theory. Without it none of this would be possible. Unless you look like Brad Pitt or Christopher Hewitt, you won't get far without telling a fib or two. There are many things you can lie about including but not limited to:Your job
The amount of money you make
Your arrest history
Your conviction rate
That time the hooker got a little too mouthy and you had to show her who's boss
Your job is probably the most important thing you could lie about. The easiest way to do this is to embelish a little when describing your current job title. Don't say you flip burgers, say you're the dad from Family Ties. Don't say you sit on your ass all day posting on internet forums, say you're a technology consultant and reassure your date you make a shitload of money for some reason. Say, didn't you once call world famous game developer Cliffy B a cunt from across the room at an E3 press conference? You might as well call yourself a successful creative consultant for a large interactive entertainment company. There are, however, some jobs you need to steer clear of.
Police Officer: As much as I respect police officers, you never want to tell a woman you are one. With all of the weed, cocaine, and illegally downloaded mp3s you're looking to score off this ho, I'd say this would create a major conflict of interest. Oh, and the fact that she's 15 probably doesn't help either.
Professional Sports Star: Let's face it, if you're reading this you cannot get away with boasting that you play for the New York Knicks. Your four-foot-five, three hundred pound frame will be laughed right out the door. The only exception to this rule is in Korea where many hot Korean chicks will have sex with you if you say you play professional StarCraft. Repeat the words "no rush 20 mins gl hf gg" over and over again and you'll be in. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE KOREANS PLAY STARCRAFT A LOT ROFL!!!I AM THE MIGHTY WEBMASTER! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!Webmaster: Four years ago it would have been cool to mention that you're a webmaster. I mean, shit, it sounds so fucking powerful. You "master" the "web". What girl wouldn't immediately cream her panties at such a statement? The dot.com era was booming and everyone was making shitloads of imaginary money clicking banner ads and watching dancing hamsters. Times have changed though. Declaring that you run a web site now has the same appeal of boasting that you manage a Subway and ejaculate into the meatball subs. Telling a woman you're a webmaster is usually met with, "Hahahahahahaha, no really, what do you do?" and then a fountain of tears.
I know these professions sound very impressive but how are you going to back up such wild claims? Well don't worry because I've got a trick that can't fail. I learned this little technique from the Tom Leykis Show. What you do, see, is dig through the trash near a local ATM machine until you find a reciept with a huge cash balance on it. When giving your would be victim your phone number simply write the digits on the back of that bank reciept. When she reads the balance she'll think you're a millionaire and have sex with you that night. I didn't believe it at first but you have to realize women are stupid and will believe anything you tell them! It's THAT easy. The only side effect comes from realizing you will never ever make that amount of money in your lifetime and the resulting bouts of depression. That and you're a dirty fucking trash digger.
Women have a much easier time in the dating scene than men. In fact there is a fool-proof technique that allows women to get a date with any man she wants and I'll show you how to do it!Step 1: Spread your legs.At least that's how I think it works. Everything I know about women I read on the back of a ketchup bottle.
RelationshipsYou're right about that my friend!Relationships are those things that, when you don't have one, you desperately want one. And then when you finally get into one you think, "Oh Christ, this isn't so great." It's kind of like those movies with the talking cats and dogs. You'd think a movie about talking cats and dogs would be really great but they always end up so horribly wrong. Anyway, there are several different levels of relationships that you may experience in your miserable lifetime. I will convienently list them here!
Level 1: Booty Call
The first level of relationship that you can participate in is the booty call as was suggested by the text immediately above this paragraph. Booty calls are man's best friend. Quite simply, you call someone up, they come over, and you both engage in something slightly resembling sex. Booty calls were invented in the late 1600s as an alternative to sitting around and dying of the plague. The most common type of person to recieve the booty call are fat, ugly, and poor people that must take it whenever they can get it. Contrary to unpopular belief many people participate in booty calls without even knowing it! Here is such an example.Spokker: Hello hello Livestock. Hey buddy, I just got in the new "Sister Sister" collectible plates from the TV shopping network. Come over and check them out!What Livestock doesn't know is that I had no interest in showing him my Sister Sister collectible plates at all. The only thing on my mind was his tight ass. I don't even like Sister Sister! But I've known Livestock long enough to know that he cannot resist the sweet allure of Tia and Tamera Mowry.
Livestock: Oh boy, Spokker! Thanks a bunch! I'll be right over!
Level 2: Stalker
Stalkers are getting a bad rap these days and I take much offense to it. Look, I'm busting my ass sitting in a lawn chair in your front yard with a pair of binoculars and a bottle of Jack at all hours of the night looking into your bedroom window. Why can't you women take a compliment! Christ almighty! You'd think that someone would be flattered that I care enough about them to camp out on their front lawn in the cold when there are a million front lawns out there to set up my stalker camp. You're the one screaming and throwing shampoo bottles at me, and I'm the one that gets arrested? YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU JENNIFER. You're just lucky they serve some delicious ribs at the local precinct. Bitch.
Level 3: Boyfriend and Girlfriend
At this point you've followed my dating advice and somehow managed to slip your hand into some hammered chick's panties. Congratulations, you are now boyfriend and girlfriend, even if she doesn't know about it yet. Don't worry, she'll wake up in a few minutes. So what happens from here? I don't quite know. I have not gotten to this level without getting the law involved.
Level 4: MarriageI'd hate to see what the honeymoon looks like.
Marriage is a cold and desolate place to be, similiar to Disneyland. You'll have the least amount of sex that you've ever had in your life. Getting married is like voluntarily putting yourself in jail without the fun of committing a crime first. The only way out is to commit half your salary to someone who was mostly likely sleeping around on you. The biggest problem with marriage is that some guys will marry the first woman that will open their legs for them. This is called playing the odds. Odds are you aren't going to amount to anything anyway so you might as well trap the first woman you can into a horrible marriage that usually ends in murder-suicide. It happens all the time!
Level 5: The Sewers
There is always one level that is themed after a Sewer. There is absolutely no exception to this rule at all. Even if you are enjoying a game set in a dark forboding castle with many traps and obstacles to overcome, you would be naive to think that you won't be visiting the dark foreboding sewers underneath that castle.
Level 6: Divorce
Divorce is one of the most popular activities among married couples. In California alone 266 percent of married couples get divorced yearly. In fact, divorce is so popular that some people do it five or six times a year. Divorce is when people get tired of eachother and go to a judge because God forbid that some people talk things out amongst themselves. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that has made many women rich beyond their wildest dreams. You see, men are monsters and are to blame for everything bad in the universe. Just for that women have convinced very effeminate judges to make men pay half their salary to women who broke the rules of their marriage by getting fat and ugly. But I guess divorce is so expensive because, hey, it's worth it.
Level 7: Not Learning Your Lesson and Getting Married Again and Again
Fire is hot. If you put your hand in fire, it burns. You learn that fire burns and never do it again. Not so with marriage. Despite the fact that marriage can cause up to third degree burns many people jump in anyway! I don't think we'll ever figure out why.
SEXWithout sex, dating and relationships could not happen. But what exactly is sex? According to my parents sex is when a boy sticks his neener into a girl's hoo-ha and yells racial epithets at her. However, many scientists are now saying that sex can be used for reproductive purposes. Wow, what an age we live in! For those of you who are new to sex I've prepared a handy guide to get you started.
Step 1: Preparation
Somehow, someway, a girl is in your bedroom ready and willing to have sex with you. Don't ask why. Don't ask how. We might find that out later, we might not. You'll only screw it up by asking questions right now. You don't need to know why. The only thing you need to worry about now is how in the holy hell you're not going to embarrass yourself or accidentilly murder her. But there are a few things you need first.A large box of condoms. Trust me you'll need all of them
A couple of towels
Non-disclosure agreements for all parties
Once you have acquired all of these things with the money you earned selling blood and semen at your school's bake sale please proceed to step 2.
Step 2: Insertion
This is the hardest part about sex. There are many places to insert objects into a woman's body and it's very hard to decide which one to go for. It's like ordering soup or salad at a restaurant. I can never decide! Your choices include the vagina, the anus, the mouth, open wounds, and many more. Be creative. Today we will pick an old classic, the vagina. Put on your miner's hat and descend to the fiery depths of the vagina. You'll want to start digging an entrance into the crevice immediately as you only have 20 minutes until the thing blows. Remember to set up support struts on both walls of the vagina so you don't get trapped inside should a collapse occur. Also, keep a canary on hand. Keep on digging. When the canary dies you'll know it's time to commence fucking.
Step 3: IntercourseIf you have followed my advice so far it should look something like this.Remove your Happy Days underwear, the ones with Fonzie on the fanny, and roll all of the condoms onto your penis. Now tie a rubber band around the base of the penis and wait a couple minutes. Your penis should now be glowing red and pulsating at a fantastic rate. Grasp your penis with both hands and place it near the entrance of the vagina. Gently push your penis into the vagina while saying to yourself, "I think I can... I think I can..." Once the penis is firmly in the vagina begin moving your penis in and out of the vagina. This is called intercourse.
During sex women have other areas that need attention. Play with her breasts. Slap her ass. Prepare a large sandwhich. Caress her neck. No, not too hard. I said "caress". Okay buddy that's a little too much carassing there. Calm down. No, don't choke her! What are you doing?! God damnitt, look what you've done. Okay, okay. I know what this looks like but calm down. We can get through this. Everything's gonna be allllll right.
Step 4: Federal Prison
I knew this was going to happen. And quite frankly, I'm not surprised. Teaching you people how to have sex has had terrible consequences. Now let's never speak of this again.
I had a lot of fun tonight. Maybe we can do this again sometime? No? Uhm... okay. How about a kiss goodnight? Hey! There's no reason for hitting. No don't call the cops. Oh come on it wasn't that bad. Hello? Hello???
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.