Richard Dawkins to Retire as Vice PresidentAssassination Shield Update - November 4th, 2011
By JON RAPS-WITH-EAGLES
Smug atheist intellectual and Vice President Richard Dawkins has quietly announced that he will not be campaigning with Obama in 2012. Citing increasing age and lack of prayer, Dawkins will step down, freeing the spot for the Obama administration to find a new person more loathsome to Americans than a black man.
"We're thinking of going gay, but atheism seems to be the key," said an anonymous Secret Service official. "A pedophile has been floated as one possibility, although we would have to check if there are any schools too close to the VP mansion. Whoever we pick, they will be a gigantic asshole 24/7."
Drug Czar Darnell "Pookie" Jefferson Initiates Crack Outreach Campaign for White Kids Spooky Negro Stories
People Who Slightly Resemble Kramer
Obama Meeting with Kim Jong Il Results in Accidental Surrender of South KoreaFoxwire - November 5th, 2011
By KLUDGE VON MINNOWSHOOT
White House officials are struggling to explain how a brief diplomatic meeting between President Barack Obama resulted in the surrender of South Korea to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il.
"We're still trying to determine what exactly happened," White House Spokesman Katt Williams said this morning. "President Obama was upbeat about a possible nuclear disarmament treaty. He was smiling when he walked into a closed session with Kim Jong Il. We heard a scream and he came running out just as the North Korean flag was going up the flagpole."
Foreign policy experts blame Obama's naive plan to meet with hostile foreign leaders. "This is what happens when you try to talk with these people," suggested Heritage Foundation expert Richard Evilwitz. "You can't talk to Hitler, and trust me, they're all Hitler."
New "Ultra Korea" to Join Axis of Cartoon Evil with Great Iranian Mega Caliphate and Turbo Pakistan AP
Erotic Military Fetish Fantasies
Defeat of US Forces in Iraq CompleteStars & Stripes & Coffins - November 5th, 2011
By DIARRHEA MOSES
The withdrawal of the last US combat brigade from Iraq was completed Wednesday amid increasing civil war between various factions of foreign fighters.
The defense of the 750 square mile US Embassy Arcology was handed over to private contractors from a shadowy military contracting corporation that does not have a name and may employ soldiers made out of dead soldiers like in that movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Terrorists are expected to begin landing on US beaches within the week.
Last Surviving Iraqi Civilian Killed by VBIED Grim Tidings
Natural and supernatural horrors mount on an expedition to an island music festival for the wealthy.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.