Many historians regard George Washington as the first President of the United States, a rather dubious honor when you consider that no living American voted for him. Still, it is not worth arguing about in this world of pressing issues and murderous vice presidents, especially with the recent holiday. This past Monday was Presidents' Day, a national holiday in which we honor all presidents from the fancy George Washington to the stunningly dumb George W. Bush. Originally intended to celebrate Washington's Birthday, Presidents' Day has evolved into something much more magical over the years.
What many of you probably do not know is that Presidents' Day is designed not just to honor the highest office in our nation and the men that held it, but also the miraculous deeds performed in the name of the office. Today I want to take a break from the usual silliness and share with you some of the more interesting miracles and magical deeds performed by some of our former presidents. Now, granted, there have been far more presidents and far more miracles than I have listed here, but this is a dense subject and we are limited by time and space. Plus, who the hell even cares about Zachary Taylor? Certainly not anybody that is fully human.
George Washington started the tradition of presidential miracles by curing a half dozen lepers and appointing them to the Supreme Court. This tradition continued for some time, until it became readily apparent that leprosy was not a good enough qualification.
James Madison, with his dying breath, predicted a century's worth of events, including his own death. Only one such event came true: he died. Madison was also the only president with an exoskeleton.
Abraham Lincoln stunned a small crowd of onlookers when he transubstantiated a live cow into a top hat. The top hat went on to become something of a holy relic, and briefly ended up in the hands of Adolf Hitler before American commandos liberated it. The current whereabouts of the mysterious hat are unknown, but many have reported seeing it near the old Reading Railroad headquarters.
Theodore Roosevelt suffered from a derivative of lycanthropy that made him turn into a bear on full moons. Most of the time he was harmless and friendly, but every now and then Secret Service agents would have to feed him a human. Usually it was criminals, but rumors abound that he ate at least one foreign dignitary.
William Howard Taft was a notorious fat ass, but did you also know that his weight was the result of keeping the world's biggest secret? The miracle was that he took said secret with him to the grave when he died suddenly of spontaneous human combustion, the first and only sitting president to do so.
Woodrow Wilson, upon reciting his Fourteen Points, would grow to be fourteen feet tall. This would cause a serious strain on his bones, and he would have to sleep for 4-5 hours until the effect wore off. As such, he tried to recite the Fourteen Points as few times as possible so as not to frighten women and children with his ghoulish transformation.
Warren G. Harding, nicknamed "The Regulator" by the press, was famous for dividing into two separate beings so that he could simultaneously pass the Revenue Act of 1921 and save a group of children trapped in a burning warehouse. Despite dire warnings of certain death from the Surgeon General, Harding did not waver and lived the remainder of his life as two very weak men. One died of a heart attack while the other was secretly cryogenically frozen beneath the White House, where he remains to this very day.
Herbert Hoover summoned all the energy within him to block out the sun for seven days in an attempt to convince the Savage Lizard Men to return the Lindbergh baby. It was a risky gambit, but the cold-blooded lizard creatures had no choice but to relent for there was no way they could have survived even a modest cooling of temperatures.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt eased the burdens on the starving and impoverished by making it rain frogs in several parts of the nation. The frogs turned out to be made out of dust and sand, so he made it rain corn beef and cabbage for a whole week. His body was severely weakened by the heroic act, but everyone got a good meal out of the deal.
Dwight D. Eisenhower had a unique cranial structure that let him shift gravity around him simply by angling his head in certain ways. Most of the time he used this gift to hurl meatballs at people. On one such occasion, one of his wayward meatballs damaged a plane that ended up crashing because there was nowhere to land. Eisenhower then decided that one out of every five miles of the highway system would be straight and level for use as an emergency runway.
Richard Nixon wasn't much of a miracle worker, but he did have the power to turn any slice of bread into toast through mere physical contact. If he squinted and focused his energies, he could even remotely toast bread. When his temper flared up, he was known to toast bread as far away as ten miles.
Jimmy Carter boasted the unique ability to lactate maple syrup, a gift that caused people to avoid White House pancake breakfasts like the plague. Parts of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave are still sticky because of him.
Ronald Reagan lacked any miraculous abilities of his own, but made up for this by gathering the world's largest collection of magic jellybeans. At its height, Reagan's jellybean collection was capable of destroying the earth ten times over. Each flavor gave him a different incredible ability, but not without a cost. It is believed that Reagan's jellybean dependency ultimately killed him. Since then, the remaining magic jellybeans have been destroyed in accordance with arms treaties.
What other amazing Presidential secrets are there? Perhaps in time we will find out, but for now we are done!
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As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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