It's all too easy to take the wonders of this modern life for granted. We are blessed to live in such a magical time, and it's only right that we show our appreciation for the hard work of those who came before us by thinking about how far we've come every once in a while. Progress, this update's for you.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.