In exchange for the amounts listed below I will actually perform the corresponding duties. If enough people pass this update around, it should eventually fall into the hands of someone who can make one of these dumb things happen. Send all contracts to: ctstalker@somethingawful.com

For $1,000,000

I live in a Swiss chalet for one year rent-free. Food and entertainment are provided. My every whim is anticipated, and I never experience a moment absent of absolute safety and comfort.

For $500,000

I live in seclusion for one year. Absolutely no face-to-face contact with another human being.

This takes place in one of those conceptual future homes from a company like Microsoft or Google. Having an actual human inhabit their House Of Tomorrow would be a great way to promote smart blinds, emotional fridges, holographic bathtubs, and other amazing technologies. Sort of like that movie Moon, or Ex Machina, with an equally uplifting conclusion.

Or this happens in a regular house in the woods but all my food, clothing, and entertainment come from Amazon. This is a terrific publicity stunt to demonstrate how their site is the only store anyone needs. Also, the package deployment drones eliminate the risk of me bumping into a delivery person.

If I'm allowed outside communication it comes in the form of a weekly call on an iPhone, or a video chat using sponsored software. I end every conversation by saying, "Skype keeps the world talking!" to a confused loved one.

For $100,000

For one year I go about my life wearing the same pair of Fruit of the Loom underwear day in and day out, to promote Fruit of the Loom underwear.

For $50,000

Some video games have tons of content most players will never see, like World of Warcraft or Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Some, like Rocket League or Playerunknown's Battlegrounds, provide a slightly different experience every time around. These titles have so much to offer that you could conceivably play one, and only one, exclusively for an entire year. For $50,000 from one game's publisher that's exactly what I do.

Specifically, I:

- Do not touch any video game outside of the promoted title for the duration of the year. My Steam, Battle.net, PSN, XBL, and Heat.net accounts are made public so people know I'm not sneaking in another 300 hours with Fallout: New Vegas.

- Stream the promoted game for a set amount of hours per week. These are classy, family-friendly streams in which I cover up my "Homework Stinks!" neck tattoo.

- Publish thirteen blog posts on the publisher's site about the project-one at the outset, then one at the end of every month. These are classy, family-friendly posts in which I blur out every elaborate description of "Homework Stinks!" tattoos.

For $30,000

For an entire year I praise someone from the video game industry we normally mock, like Palmer Luckey or Notch or Chris Roberts. Every installment of my Video Game Article column opens with a glowing review of the person, in which I give them a 10/10 and an Editor's Choice award. If they say something stupid (this will absolutely happen) I defend them.

Imagine the satisfaction of turning a website that criticizes you into your most vocal proponent for what basically amounts to pocket change. I'm pretty sure Notch donated more money to the Humble Curing Cancer With Anime Boob Games Bundle and got nothing out of it but a chorus of boos.

For $1,000

I live in a Swiss chalet for the rest of my life rent-free. Food and entertainment are provided. My every whim is anticipated, and I never experience a moment absent of absolute safety and comfort.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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