Grant your every wish, as if it were some sort of bureaucratic genie.
Make gambling not only legal, but mandatory. The Civil Rights section of all Social Studies classes will be replaced by an intensive 3-week Keno course.
Allow debtors to absolve their debt by participating in a weekend long bloodsport where they are the most dangerous prey: man.
Give citizens the right to declare it Opposite Day up to three times a year, for the purposes of friend-trickery. [Ex. "Let's see who can hit the softest." "Ow!" "I win."]
Move the lucrative mass grave digging industry into our city, freeing up the employment pool while at the same time offering thousands of new, mysteriously-vacated jobs.
Enforce "Casual Driving Fridays," where all traffic lights and signs are like a gentle reminder from an elderly person in your backseat who you can ignore.
Destroy our city's bloated sanitation system, returning trash disposal to those carefree days of the 19th century, when pounds of manure were not bought but instead found in the middle of crosswalks.
"Roll back" certain expensive laws on voting, property, and water fountain use.
Change our official city bird from the Golden Crowned Sparrow to Tony Hawk.
Remove our city from the United States of America, creating a bold method of leadership as seen in many parts of Africa.
Market Street will go unpaved and also run thick with the blood of dissidents.
Christmas replaced with "Booster Shot Day."
A high-powered signal will block all television programming from the hours of 8:00 PM to midnight and air nothing but reruns of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno from the O.J. Simpson era.
An overbearing sense of dread will hang in the air as you are forced to make your own life decisions.
Ferret-owners will remain living and unpunished. They will never know why they are wrong.
The useless trees of our local parks will remain standing, never to be made into valuable confetti for the ailing confetti industry.
Bigfoot and creatures from German mythology will continue to wander the streets at night, giving our local bars and men's parlors a bad name.
Women will never be required to have dowries, keeping marriage fruitless and terrible.
Democracy will continue its slow demise instead of being given the mercy-killing it desires.
We'll have to throw away all of our banner, pamphlets, and posters, and we worked really hard on those, guys.
In case you read my profile online and got excited, I wanted to clear up any misunderstandings.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.