Well What Do You Know?
I just received a letter from everybody's favorite disenchanted old man, Cliff Yablonski! I'm not too sure, but from what I can tell, Cliff isn't pleased about something.
FROM: cliff yablonski
TO: Rich "SHITHEAD" Kyanka
hey geekass, Ive updated my high-quality computer which is better than yours in every way possible. I dont even read your shit computer thing any more, but since I never read it in the first place, thats not saying much. Ive got 5 new pages of people I hate. you'd better put this on your computer machine screen or else Im going to track you down, fill your apartment with bugbombs, and drive your car into a fence.
Wow! What a great guy! He also included this wonderful image for me to share with you:
Man, that's some hot and heavy (literally) feline action! Head on over and see what the Yablonski's got cookin'!
Awful Links of the Day
BATTLE OF THE GEOCITIES HEAVYWEIGHTS!!!
Zack and I always joke about how sites hosted on Geocities go down within an hour of us linking to them. I decided to do a little "Battle Royale" today and pit various shitty Geocities sites against each other to see which one could stay up the longest. The winner doesn't really get any prize except the satisfaction of knowing that they run a horrible, horrible website that people can still access and torture themselves with.
NAME: DIEGO AKA D.I.E.
BRIEF DESCRIPTION: KRAZIE LATINO NIGGA
Oh, you "Krazie Latino Niggas!" You so wacky!
CONTENDER #2: REALM OF DA RORTERSZ (thanks Declipse) - (STATUS: DOWN 10 MINUTES AFTER POSTING LINK) This page is dedicated to... well... something about skating and a monkey and using the letter "z" when it's really not necessary. I can't really tell you anything more than that, as I'm baffled by cryptic statements such as the following:
wat up quadrillygongalofoogotz?! this is tha official site of RORT SKATEBOARDS. rort is an up and comin skate brand dedicated to teens who wanna sk8! here we'll have all kinda wicked crap that WE like so if u dont like anythin either email us ,u can LICK ME OUT, or SODOMIZATION will come into play!
Yeah, we don't want that. Or maybe we do. I have no idea. I think these people are retarded superheroes or something.
PS: They have a guestbook you can sign here with the words "FEEL FREE TO SIGN MY GUESTBOOK?!?" above it. OKAY?!?
CONTENDER #3: The Fox Den, Where Puppets Go to... HIDE (thanks Grodo) - (STATUS: DOWN 22 MINUTES AFTER POSTING LINK) Absolutely pointless e/n site that leans more to the "nothing" side of the equation, offering boring updates, boring updates, boring updates, and every color known to mankind (and then some highly experimental ones). Of course an e/n page wouldn't be complete without scans of cat-human-bug Anime creatures that the webmaster penciled during math class, and this site offers a couple stunning examples of why such writing instruments should be outlawed. This whole mess is remarkably dull and uninteresting on a grand scale, narrowly edging out most Gamespy sites. There's also some horrid obsession with the infinitely annoying "l33t sp34k", offering up such gems as this:
1 4m l34rn1n9 l33t n0w
1 4m $uck @ G33k!!!
19n0r3 mY 8@D gR@mmr
1 4m n3w @ +h1z
ph33R my M@d l33+ $killZ
Now that the three contenders are out of the gates, let's watch and wait. House odds are as follows:
Kadafia Mafia (2:1)
REALM OF DA RORTERSZ (5:1)
The Fox Den (11:1)
Well, all three sites have been taken down in under half an hour, so I guess there's no point in betting. I would, however, like to point out that I predicted the order correctly while Fragmaster, who is dumb, did not. This is because (as previously mentioned) he is dumb. This is also the reason why I don't let him update the front page anymore, despite how much he begs and pleads and stalks me through newsgroup postings.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.