Named him after my fourth favorite Pope. He is a shy guy who likes to live in dirty or mud. He make a little hole and go inside. He is not very fast, but just fast enough. He has a little thing on his face that looks like a silly pair of glasses. You want to kiss it but don't kiss it because he is very sensitive there and it is right by his sharp teeth.
Gregory has some very sharp claws, but don't be afraid. He moves them very slow and I think they are mostly for digging all the silly old holes Gregory likes to dig. Gregory eats baby mice but you have to chew them up and put that on your tongue and stick your tongue in his hole and hope he takes a gentle bite. Sometimes he gets a little too fierce and maybe bites too much, so trick a friend to feed him. Ha ha!
No, for professional animal lovers only. No joke.
CALL 888-UHADOPT NOW FOR GREGORY XI!
I hope nobody minds things getting a little politicable. It's Bark Hobama! Just a little joke, no hoffense, friends. I am sure the man is very nice. I hadmit, the joke would work better if Bark Hoboma was a dog, but he is just as good and sweet and loyal.
Bark Hobama is a bird creature of some sort who came down from a cliff near my ranch. He has a very long beak that is sharp in places and he loves to eat all kinds of silly stuff. He loves to take things out of a pocket and eat them. He has a special pouch in his beak that digests anything, even a cellular telephone and metal car keys.
What a fun marvel! What a good friend! Bark Hobama has so much love to give you on your mouth if you hadopt him right away. He likes to bite fingers, but this is good because you can feed him hot dogs. I took a glove and cut hoff hall the fingers and put hot dogs through the holes and then I hold this at the end of my sleeve and Bark Hobama swoops down and has a snack and we both laugh so very hard.
Please call and say you can give Bark Hobama the home he needs. Yes you can!
CALL 888-UHADOPT NOW FOR BARK HOBAMA!
Hokay! I always like to end a hadoption letter with hwone very very special friend. Today it is the specialist of friends. His name is Lyle and he is so special you cannot believe him. Look at this handsome face:
What a sweet little cute baby!! I have never seen such a hwone as Lyle. He is soft and gentle and such a friend. Lyle was given to me by a relative who died. She died giving birth and word from a real life doctor is that she gave birth to Lyle. What is it? Who is it? Is it a person? An ALF?
These questions you must ask Lyle yourself. He is young, so no answers yet, but another doctor I ask on the telephone says a baby does not usually talk yet, so what a while. Why not hadopt Lyle right away and learn the answers first before anyone else. He likes to drink sweet milk from a woman's teet and he will eat applesauce but he likes to spit it back out.
He simply will not wear a diaper, but if you put him in a pail full to the brim with cotton balls this is hacceptable for him. His little hands are everywhere and especially on male testicles, so look out and do not handle Lyle on your laps when you are naked.
I think you will hadmit, if you take Lyle home he is a perfect gentleman and a great ALF to have at the house. Why not call...
CALL 888-UHADOPT NOW FOR LYLE!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.