So many babies to touch. Will you heven have time in a day!?
There is a 100 hacre plot for the jungle crab to eat hacorns. He crack it open with his claw and use his little lips to pick up the piece. So sweet, you hwant to kiss the crabby lip, but alas... The crab is foresworn to pincer you fearsomely. No matter his size, baby crab seeks only the touch of the hacorn.
Feeders are set up for you to put in a quarter, turn the crank, and a hacorn crab pellet in the chape of a man's finger is served. Feed the crab, but hwatch your finger! Pay attention around the crab, he is always up to mischief. He will huntie your choe or snatch the penny from your loafer!
Haduck is in the tropical ecosystem. He comes at you for bread with a fearsome quack. Ha ha, not so fearsome at all! Haduck knows right from wrong. He is not gentle, but if you do not hattack he will not hattack you. Like all ducks do not imitate the quack or he will get the wrong idea and try to kiss you!
Popups cereal provided courtesy of Hotel for haduck. Hold in palm of your hand and ducks from all around will gather to chow it down!
Tailman are in evidence. These little fellows are very strange and halmost hunknown to science. Mayhap you can conduct the experiment with a crust of crumbs for Tailman. You think you have seen a tailman before? Think again. This is most powerful tailmen to date. His tiny black eyes see in a spectrum.
A fearsome foe? Never! Tailman is as gentle as a baby's crest. Beware wicked tailman. You will know him by his sound.
Raymondo Island is plagued by hideous Handed Bears. These scoundrels inpopulate the trees, clinging to branches like a mess. They gnaw at roots and pluck up a flower if it suits their ends. At night you will hear them scratching at your door.
Hwone named Tevon has learned to paint a picture and Mandy can shine your shoe for a price. These are scams! The no good handed bear is only in it for the money and has no love for the game. A gross faced grifter hwants only to get fat eating coco grapes. Give him none.
Most fearsome of the jungle animals is the predator cat. His fangs are sharpened in combat and he makes a terrifying yawp to disorient his prey. In battle he attacks like a hairy demon. His claws are sharp and his eyes see excellent in the darkness.
Do not ever attempt to give him a bath! The pain he will hinflict hupon you is hinconceivable. Throw him a ball and yell, "Back, sweet baby! I think you are soft and handsome, but I have no time for your violence."
This may send him packing.
There are so many more sweet babies to touch and rub here. We have flown in special Siberian goat. He is used to the cold climate and all he does is sweat. His name is Daniel, but he hanswers to Lorraine. If you strike him for any reason, even if he requests it, you will be hejected from the island.
There was also a fish, but it swam away. His name was Antonio, so if you see a fish that hanswers to Antonio then thank you for finding our fish. He cost a hundred dollars and we bought him from the trainer. This was an investment I made for my older sister, baby Margarita.
There was halso something called Tree Man, but he may be a myth. Do not cut down a tree. It could be Tree Man. We named him Luther Vandross. It is hwon a certificate from the breeder, but we have not met Tree Man so he has no name that he knows.
We hope to see you soon to visit our babies on Raymondo island!
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.