This article is part of the Reading Time series.
Man: I don't need an Ultraviolet Shadow Scope Light to see you're a bit of an art collector, Stevie; there's pictures all over this damn cave. Tracy collected drawings, too, but not of superheroes and animals and geezers and whatever else you're into. He just wanted shoes, feet, ankles, even stick-figure legs -- anything to remind him what he'd lost.
Man: Junior had a way with a pencil, but he wasn't too sharp. People told him Tracy didn't have any need for face paintings -- and Tracy was the only guy willing to trade you any food or womenfolk or light bulbs for artwork -- but Junior just kept scribbling out portraits. Tracy got sick of it, and when he got sick of things, he got angry, ugly angry. Lamp Legs didn't move around so good, but he could hide -- the Scope Light had a reverse setting that could make any room darker than the tar up a dinosaur's ass -- and wait, Facey Strikes in hand. Poor Junior never saw it coming, mostly because Tracy hit him with the karate chop first. And the thing is, Junior's eyes were already kinda fucked-up.
Man: The cops came to check out the smoke, but we took care of them real quick and made our getaway. Not all of us got out of there, though, and the ones who did scattered like tumbling dice. Man, last I heard from Smoot, he was... WHOA, friend, get my damn hand out of your mouth.
Stevie: It is a bad story, bad lesson. It was not worth dog hand, so you owe me hand back. The taste is like.... *POOF*
Man: Don't worry, Stevie, the Facey Strikes won't turn your baby face to pizza cheese. You're built too well for that. But you will be taking a long nap. My disguises never fail to impress even myself; I can't believe you didn't recognize your own Instructor Ken Orlock. But why did I reveal so much about my own instruction and methods? Why all the flashy subterfuge, when I could have seized you immediately? And why am I still talking, even though you're mostly unconscious? It will all make sense, you'll see. You'll find all the answers you've ever wanted, where you're going.
Stevie: Ma... max.....
Facility 1349 Instructor Ken Orlock: He's already there, Stevie. He's already there.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
U2 and Apple have conspired to place a U2 album into your music in the year 2014. You own a U2 album. And you can't get rid of it.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Raised and trained in a mysterious facility, piteous brute Stevie seeks answers.