We'll Think Of A Name Later So Don't File This Placeholder Business License Application Corp and its international partners are excited and legally obligated to tell you about the biggest, most ACTION-PACKED recall of the modern era! For one reason or another nearly every product in our lineup has failed in SPECTACULAR fashion! Feel the rush!
If you have any of the following items in your home, please consider buying a new home. Once you have reached a safe distance or resigned to your fate, contact us for a full refund by calling our unmonitored 1-800 number and leaving a voicemail or by visiting our website, then clicking every link on the site map until you realize that there is absolutely no contact information.
Baby Communicator 3000
This incredible two-way translator that allows you and your infant to argue about politics. Does not translate any other communications whatsoever. Features two settings: Loud and Condescending.
Unfortunately, several customers have reported faulty electrical wiring in the Baby Communicator 3000. This results in magical infant-parent body swaps, typically involving madcap adventures that culminate in a deeper understanding of each other's point of view, followed by severe brain damage.
Star Wars Cosplay Action Figures
All the name recognition of Star Wars and its numerous characters, one degree of separation that might prevent us from being sued!
We were under the impression that the figures were made with a cheap plastic, but as it turns out they were in fact cast from pure gold. This is very dangerous. If one should accidentally ingest that much gold they would likely die. We're very concerned, so please send your figures back. We'll pay for shipping.
Now more than ever, your personal privacy is of the utmost importance. When you simply cant eat another bite, put the rest of your meal in the Leftover Shredder and let it go to work, then deposit the resulting mass into your garbage. No identity thief will be able to piece together your meal ever again!
For reasons we still haven't pinned down, the Leftover Shredder processes meals into solid paper-like sheets, arranging shredded pieces of food into letters and numbers which spell out the owner's full name, social security number, and credit card information.
The Incredibly Wobbly Nuclear Material Table
Now with 300% more instability! This table is guaranteed to meet all of your nuclear material needs. Its uneven legs ensure constant movement, the angled surface makes it impossible for anything to stay put, and the whole thing is held together with the entirely wrong type of glue.
This recall is our highest priority. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why we didn't list it at the very top. A severe defect in the Incredibly Wobbly Nuclear Material Table has resulted in the table being perfectly stable, level, and safe.
Professional Wrestling Summarizer
Love professional wrestling, but don't have time to keep up? Professional Wrestling Summarizer can help! This thirty eight pound mass of transparent organic tissue will observe every WWE, TNA, and independent event (including Pay Per Views, at extra cost), taking in every chairshot, pinfall, and five minute long promo. When you're ready to get caught up, simply ask the Professional Wrestling Summarizer for an update and it will attempt to recount everything with its limited vocabulary and tendency to ruin each story's ending.
As it turns out, the Professional Wrestling Summarizers uniformly hate professional wrestling. This minor flaw wouldn't present much of a problem if the units weren't designed to emit flesh-corroding spores when aggravated.
The Swimming Pool For Jerks
Tired of using regular swimming pools? Wish there was something just for you? Congratulations! Thank you! Now there's a swimming pool that's custom-made for discerning jerks such as yourself. Has sides, water, and an open area on the top where one might jump in or stick their head out of the water. One end is deeper than the other. Optional accessories: Ladder, diving board, slide.
We decided to recall the Swimming Pool For Jerks when our shipping department discovered that we had accidentally been sending out mislabeled boxes which actually contained The Swimming Pool For Not Jerks.
Corporate Mistake Generator
This one of a kind piece of high-yield machinery is guaranteed to cause errors at every level of your company! Just place it in your building and watch in amazement as products become faulty, shipping problems arise, and administrative assistants accidentally file the wrong paperwork! There is only one unit in operation and it's here at WTOANLSDFTPBLA Corp headquarters, but we plan to ship hundreds of these marvels of technology in the months to come.
Wait a second, I just got a report from the lab. There's nothing wrong with the Corporate Mistake Generator. According to them, it's working perfectly. Huh.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.