Welcome to the release form for Funland's SillyTime Ride
The besta rideb everc, featured in over twenty international publicationsd! Before you can be buckled, strapped, and tied with coarse twine by a Funland employee, we ask that you fill out this simple waiver.
Don't worry. We at Funland want you to have a wonderful and easy trip, so you only need to sign the dotted line_____________________________ if you're ready to have fun* and aren't allergic to peanuts or gluten, and have no particular distaste for the color mauve. Funland is not responsible for any lost luggage, limbs, lamps, or lymph nodes, and in no way holds accountability for any short term or permanent damage received through your trip through the SillyTime Ride. For your own safety please use the back of this form to provide one of the following three requests: 1) The cheat code to make Lara Croft nude in Tomb Raider. 2) A way to get my characters in The Sims naked. 3) The address of your most attractive cousin. Remember, SillyTime Ride is crafted for children, so anyone over five feet should not attempt to ride. The ideal weight per seat is between two hundred and forty (240) and two hundred and sixty (260) pounds. Though seats are manufactured to meet the safety guidelines for holding one passenger, if rider is under weight, the option of strapping two or more children together is at the discretion of Funland staff. Comfort may vary. Wanaoendesha hii pengine kuua na hatuna huduma. Kama wamiliki wa wapanda, tuna uwezo wa kumiliki yeyote na wote wa mali yako juu yenu kusaini fomu hii kutolewa. Asante. Funland is not responsible for any rider who does not have a comfortable grasp on the Swahili language. Learn up. The importance of gender is central to our mission here at Funland. We ask that you please check form F103-EZ (F103-T with schedule 6 attached for any possible transgendered children) to insure that child is not sat in incorrect area. We ask you to not participate with SillyTime Ride if unable to perform CPR, proper emergency maneuvers, the robot, or the worm. Alternatively, if you are able to list seven or more minor Star Wars characters and/or vehicles, we ask that you do not ride as well. SillyTime Ride is not suggested for anyone pregnant, might be pregnant, was once pregnant, or delivered from someone pregnant. By signing release form you are waiving your right to sue Funland, discuss Funland with others, disclose any information regarding what you ate at Funland, test your fertility, and vote for the 2014 election. In some instances it might be necessary for rider to supply his or her or (non gender specific) its own tethering material. Failure to provide such items can cause an increase in life-ending tragedy and death. Ropes are available for purchase at all gift shops. Please be advised that portions of the Sillytime Ride come in contact with scorpion venom. Do not ride if that is not your thing. Most importantly, Funland is not responsible for loss of life/bowels, conversion to any or all foreign, exotic religions, or the immediate desire to purchase a Coldplay CD (available at giftshop.)
*The definition of the word "fun" is wide and variable. Without getting too much into things we learned in a Philosophy 102, one man's fun is another man's torture. Pretty deep, right. Therefore, the rider's concept of fun might differ from, say, the children in Darfur-the ones with flies all over their eyes. To them, not being covered in flies might be fun. Funland chooses to align its notion of fun with those children, though in no way promises to control fly populations in or around SillyTime Ride.
dIncluding: SillyTime Kills Eight, New York Times; Funland: The Modern Holocaust?, Boston Globe; Superbowl MVP Found Dead, ESPN: The Magazine; Worse Than Darfur, London Times; 101 Places Better Than Toledo, Toledo Blade; Blond Honor Roll Student Killed, HLN Channel, etc.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.