This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

DAD HERE AGAIN..... I dont want to worry you or go into details but lets just say that I will not try to live off the land anymore. It works for a few days until some indian lady comes along and shoots at you with blow darts until you can drive off. I am sitting with the car stopped and my arms and legs are starting to hurt so I have decided to prepare my last will and testament here in the car in the middle of the desert just in case of poison, disease, curse, etc. I will probably survive because the darts seem pretty old and rusty so i doubt the poison will hurt me much.

To you my child, I can only give you one thing: my apology for everything that has happened over the years. Sorry but the car is going to my wife, the road, so I cannot give you anything real, but I think an apology would be best and it would help us both grow as people.

I am sorry for leaving my phone cards all over the house.

I am sorry for feeding your hat to a seagull.

I am sorry for not letting you ever listen to Jon Bon Jovi in the car.. I had a dream where he excreted feces in the kitchen of the house I grew up in which has caused me to hate him for over 11 years.

Speaking of which... had a dream about MY dad.. Brought dad in to kill a big spider in the bedroom. News to me, he's an arachnid himself!!! Refused to slam one of his own kind with a Newsweek. What the world.. Regroup in the den we will try to find his weakness. Call him Doug it's his name. Thinks mama is callin him "Doug, Dougie, wake up" the thought of being a dream disorients the spider king for a few moments.. run under his legs!!!

Hey by the way Do you ever look at a person and imagine them without any hair. Totally bald not even eyebrows just completely hairless and do you note how big their skull is and how it is bigger than it was with hair on it. Then doyou imagine them having no mouth of any kind. then do you imagine there being no eyes or nose or ears and it just being a flat blank head. then do you take away all the remaining defining parts like their jaw. you just make their whole head and neck into one long cylinder. and do you wonder how it would move around. then you do imagine the rest of the body being just as round as the head so it was like their body was the shape of an enormous hotdog. then doyou imagine it falling to the ground and wiggling a nd convulsing but the skin is the same skin from before like if the person is pimply the whole hotdog is pimply....

FFFFFffffffff Company softball game, spiderdads the shortstop. little did they know he's gonna spin a web during the game..... not to cheat, but for a hammock!!! dad knows how to kick back and take it easy !!!! he's dressed for success but knows that time equals money and hes not lying down on the job. don't take dad ffor granted, his webs are a precious gift as well as a formidable weapon !!

hmm. dads not pleased with your rough and tumble 'tude?? "rough housing a bit too much methinks!!" -dad quote? let me let you in on a little secret... spider dad is a stickler for clean !! drop some trash in his web... he hates it..... gonna freak out and spin web !!!!!

Also heads up, every time you see a stray cat it might be that cats birthday so think before you yell at it. Sorry about yelling at cats if I ever did it

Furthermore i am not looking forward to scientists being able to alter dna and crap. like what if i flip some scientist off in traffic or on the street and he alters my dna so suddenly my chest hair grows in the shape of the words "FART BOSS". Suddenly I cant go to work because all of my good shirts are white and see-through and you could see that I am the fart boss from 45 yards away and suddenly more rumors about what i do in my time

I NEED TO REST IF THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU SEE ME GOOD BYE !!!!!!!!!!

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.