The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
1: Serve The Public Trust
2: Protect The Innocent
3: Uphold The Law
4: Keep It PG-13 Out There
5: Kiss Only Those Farmers Who Have Kissed You First
6: Shoot All The Balloons, Win A Fabulous Prize
7: Force Poors To Apologize When They Wander Into The Eyelines Of Tech Startup Employees
8: If A Suspect Is Too Fast To Catch, Crumple A Hat And Stomp On It While Your Beagle Looks On In Drowsy Resignation
9: Conceal Your RoboAppendix - No One Must Know
10: Compose Snarky Tweets About Absolutely Every Current Event And For Goodness' Sake Use Hashtags
11: Think Very Carefully Before Deciding To Go On An Undercover Mission
12: If Someone Suggests That Your Helmet Is Really Just An Oculus Rift And You're Playing Gone Home In There, Lie To Buy Time As You Engage Your Rocket Boots
13: Say Classic Lines From The Original Movie, But, Like, In A Whole New Context
14: Be Direct With Suspects - Always Tell Them When Their Insults Have Hurt Your Feelings
15: Eat All Burgers
16: Your Turn On The Trampoline Can Last No Longer Than Five Minutes
17: Buy That For $2.13 (Adjusted For Inflation)
18: Use Lethal Force When The Pickle Jar Won't Open
19: Skateboarding Isn't A Crime But Jeering Skateboarders And Holding Up Signs That Describe How Much They Stink Is Technically Not An Act Of Law Enforcement
20: Only Download Firmware Updates Through The Official OmniCorp App Store
21: Enter Power-Saving Flashback Mode After Fifteen Minutes Of Plot Inactivity
22: Arrest Every Citizen That Incorrectly Pronounces "gifs" Or "gibs"
23: If You Have No Choice But To Fire Your Weapon While Battling Street Punks In A Library, Use A Silencer
24: When Off Duty, Remove All Your Robot Parts And Quiver Helplessly On A Couch, A Gasping Pile Of Pale Flesh Enduring The Agony Of Daytime TV
25: Find Curly's Gold
26: Clean Your Gun Three Times Before Putting It Back In Your Leg, Then Touch Your Leg Three Times
27: When Someone Asks If You're A RoboCop, You Have To Tell Them
28: While Speeding On Your Motorcycle Use Your Enhanced Vocal Chords To Reproduce The Sound Of A Siren Or Use Your Motorcycle's Siren
29: Defend Humanity From Mind Control By Shooting At All Chemtrails Until They Disappear
30: (Classified) Protect The Sanctity Of The Puppy Bowl At All Costs
Pope Francis, the best Pope, has a number of upcoming encyclicals to change the way Catholics view the world.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.