Okay boys and girls, I've got a lot of info today, so ask the doctor to loosen the straps on your chair because we might be here a while. With that in mind, let me get down to business.
Would you like to write for Something Awful? As predicted earlier, both the people who wrote reviews for The ROM Pit and Clan Hell have flaked out and stopped doing them. I'm looking for a few good writers to head up either of these sections, reviewing either the most disturbed and bizarre ROMs out there, or diving deep into the obscene world of crappy clan pages.
Requirements: One article a week.
Payment: No payment! I'm broke! You'll receive my eternal love and adoration, how's that?
How to Get the Job: Find an awful ROM or clan site (depending on what job you want), write a review of it that matches the style of the other reviews featured here, and then submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org. The jobs will be given to people who show they have a good sense of humor and a writing ability which surpasses most gastropods.
Would you like to be hosted on Something Awful? Now that we've moved to the new server, SA will be able to actually host non-fictional people's sites! Yes, that's correct, you may actually see your homepage as "myaddress.somethingawful.com" or "somethingawful.com/myaddress"! Of course, that's assuming your hosted site's name is "My Address", which is kind of a stupid name now that I think about it.
Requirements: A good site. None of that God-awful e/n crap where all you do is update your page 1,000 times a day with "news" entries like:March 16th, 7:42 pm: I ate a bagel. It was pretty good.
March 16th, 7:57 PM: I am working on my math homework. Math sucks.
March 16th, 8:01 PM: My friend ICQed me. He made a funny joke. He is funny.
March 16th, 8:15 PM: Here is a video of a fat man dancing. I took it from the 50,000 other e/n sites which currently have the exact same video clip.
I can't stand crap like that. I mean, look at it! It's not even March 16th for crying out loud! Your site must actually have (gasp) content that people want to read. I'm looking for something entertaining and unique like Mr. Mental Patient that actually makes people laugh (as opposed to causing them to say, "the site I am currently looking at sucks so much ass that my life will be totally devoid of all forms of ass for the following 18 years").
Payment: Yeah, sure. Maybe once Gamefan pays me, I'll throw you a dollar or two. However, since that day will mark the instant Hell officially freezes over, I might need the cash myself.
How to Get the Job: Email email@example.com with either the link to your current site or some examples of your work. I'm not going to offer hosting to people who send me an email which reads, "can i ples have hosteing on SA i want to write about HOW DUMB PPL ARE thx." I need some examples of what you plan on doing.
When submitting a potential Awful Link of the Day, please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. My Lowtax account is being flooded with them and I need to break them apart. Thank you, Jenny!
I have finished uploading and cataloging all the awful mp3s I have stored on SA. Jump on over to the mp3 Downloads section and jam to some of the most shittiest music ever created in the history of the universe. On a related note, I'm looking for the most terrible mp3s / music out there, so if you find something awful, be sure to send THE LINK to email@example.com. Do not send the entire file, or my mail server will reject it. I'm on a 56k connection, and put a cap on any mail messages over one meg in size, so just send the URL.
I have also ripped the most bizarre and screwed up fight scene I have ever witnessed my entire life. It is from the movie "Casino Royale", a 1960's film about spies or James Bond or something. I don't know, I fell asleep roughly 20 minutes into it. The first 127 minutes of this film are just so damned boring and uninteresting that it will take repeated beatings from an electrical cattle prod to merely stay awake. However, the final five minutes or so more than make up for it. Check out the clips from "Casino Royale" and wonder to yourself what the director was smoking while filming this intensely weird scene.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.