I'm filthy stinkin' rich, folks! Muuhahaha! Eat my dust! I knew all this Internet shit would eventually pay off!
From: "mr.Joey Lawrence" email@example.com>
MEGA LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL
Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000.00 company and 50,000,000.00 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three year. We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our end of year 50 million US$ International lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our nominated fiducially Agent, Mr. Joey lawrence Investment globe Inc., at Email: firstname.lastname@example.org .
I can't possibly describe how excited I was when I read that email! Not only did I win a million bucks, but my lottery contact was none other than TV's Joey Lawrence! Oh truly fame and good fortune smiled upon me today!
HELLO JOEY LAWRENCE, I GOT THIS EMAIL AND I'M SO EXCITED!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ENTERING INSIDE YOUR INTERNET! CONTEST! PRAISE ALLAH
SO HOW DO YOU SEND THE MONEYS I WON, LIKE OVER EMAIL OR AIM OR WHAT BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU JOEY, I REALLY COULD USE THIS CASH! I NEED TO BUILD A BUS! I HOPE IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MONEY THAT YOU CAN ONLY USE AT THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BALL PIT BECAUSE THOSE RED BALLS SMELL LIKE URINE AND LET ME TELL YOU JOEY, I'M NEVER MAKING THAT MISTAKE AGAIN BUDDY
PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK SOON, I PROMISE I WON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT WINNING BECAUSE I WANT ALL OF THE MONEY AND I'LL BE DARNED IF SOME POOR SAP IS GOING TO TAKE MY NEWFOUND RICHES FROM ME! I'LL FIGHT TO MY FAT SON'S DEATH BEFORE I LET THAT HAPPEN! AND IF YOU TRY TO TAKE MY DREAMS FROM ME, I'LL SUE YOU BLIND BUDDY
GOODBYE JOEY LAWRENCE
I was so uncontrollably excited that I accidentally replied using Leonard Crabs' email account! Also I went through about four pairs of underwear when I read the news, but that's a normal thing for me these days.
From: "Lawrence Joey " email@example.com>
kindly send us your Winning Batch number,phone,fax number and your Bank Account number for winning verification.
Wait, they sent me the lottery ticket for a contest I never entered and then they ask me to send my "winning batch number" back to them? What kind of disorganized contest is this? And what the hell is a "winning batch number" anyway? Does Joey Lawrence want me to tell him the size of my dick or something? I'm gonna' tell their "appointed fiduciary agent" Jim T. Gary on them! Wah!
dear joey lawrence,
Notice how I shrewdly upped the ante here by casually mentioning the $2 million figure. That's what us hyper-intelligent webmaster people do. We wait until the right moment and then POUNCE all over our unsuspecting prey like an eagle trapped inside the mighty jaws of a shark who is being carried off by an ape. Joey Lawrence didn't know what hit him!
From: "Lawrence Joey " firstname.lastname@example.org>
Dear sir, yes you have won. We will send Your Money as soon as you give us your Bank Account Number, phone number,full name and address so We can verify it in our computers. please do Not give my information to the bank because that will only slow down Our transfer of your money
Thanks Joey Lawrence
Wow! What a deal! I like how Mr. Joey Lawrence was so concerned about me receiving my cash in a timely fashion that he advised against contacting my bank and the beaurocratic bullies who would simply slow down the transfer of my hard-earned money! No wonder he starred in such hit movies as "Tequila Body Shots!"
dEAR jOEY lAWRENCE,
i THINK MY COMPUTER IS MESSED UP BECAUSE IT'S MAKING ALL THE LETTERS THE WRONG SIZE!!! lET ME TELL YOU, i NEED THAT MONEY YOU'RE OFFERING MORE THAN EVER! mY WIFE SAYS i NEED TO BUY A NEW KEYBOARD BUT SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT AS COMPUTER SAVVY AS i AM BECAUSE, i MEAN LOOK AT THIS STUFF, THE PROBLEM IS CLEARLY ON MY MONITOR, NOT THE KEYBOARD! tHE KEYBOARD IS WORKING JUST FINE, IT'S THE SCREEN THAT IS SHOWING THE STUFF WRONG!!! praise allah
aNYWAY i WENT TO MY BANK YESTERDAY AND SAID "give me my account information right now so i can get my money from joey lawrence!!!" AND THEY ASKED "YOU MEAN JOEY LAWRENCE FROM tv'S 'bLOSSOM'?" AND I SAID "YEAH THAT'S THE ONE YOU PUMPKINHEADS, NOW GIVE ME ALL OF MY INFORMATION RIGHT NOW!!!" tHEN THEY GAVE ME THE INFORMATION AND i WROTE IT ALL DOWN AND HERE IT IS (i WILL COPY AND PASTE IT FOR YOU):
WAIT THAT IS THE WRONG INFORMATION, HERE IT IS
OOPS WAIT, i DIDN'T MEAN TO GIVE YOU THAT, HERE IS THE RIGHT INFORMATION (i'M SORRY, i'M NOT GOOD AT COPYING AND PASTING jOEY)
i AM SORRY THAT WAS NOT IT EITHER, LET ME TRY ONE LAST TIME:
pLEASE HURRY UP AND SEND THE MONEY NOW BECAUSE MY WIFE IS ASKING ME HOW WE'RE GOING TO PAY FOR OUR DAUGHTER'S FOOD AND i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD A DAUGHTER. yOU PROBABLY NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAMOUS ACTOR AND HAD YOUR OWN SHOW ON THE wb nETWORK BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BUDDY, NOT ALL OF US WERE BORN WITH A SLIVER SPOON IN OUR MOUTHS! i WAS BORN IN A WAGON FOR GOD'S SAKE, PRAISE aLLAH!!!
ps: wHAT WAS IT LIKE TO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON THE wb nETWORK? dID YOU GET YOUR OWN DRESSING ROOM OR DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE AT THE GAS STATION NEXT DOOR?
Hmmm, no response yet. I hope Mr. Lawrence didn't spend too much time trying to get any of my information to work because I'd hate to think that I stole away his valuable time that he could've used to film new and exciting movies about low-budget suburban mall crimes. If I ever get my cashola (that's slang for "moolah") then you guys can be sure I'll be spreading the wealth with each and every one of you! Maybe I'll use some of the money to increase my batch number.
Moneypenny, get out from behind the washer this instant!
Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here with the final and last part of the horrible, soul-sucking trilogy known as "Erotic Saturday Morning Cartoon Fanfic". I'm quite sure you are all very happy this is finished with considering the e-mail I've received about the last two updates.
Here's a sample of our reader e-mail:
I wish I was dead
And as a special treat, I've copied every last erotic fanfic as the author posted them to text files and zipped them up for your downloading enjoyment.
Here's a preview of this week's installment.
Johnny and Hadji slipped into Dr. Quest's sauna. He usually got upset when the boys used the sauna without his permission, but he was away for the weekend, and after the most recent battle with the devilish Ezekiel Rage, they agreed that they needed a little R&R.
The glass door shut tightly behind them, and condensation slowly hid them away from any prying eyes.
"Ezekiel Rage is not my cup of curry," said Hadji.
Johnny laughed and said, "Hadji, you silly savage. Will you ever--" He was cut off and glanced down at his nubile body, which was by this point glistening with sweat. He and Hadji were wearing nothing but towels, and from the creases in Johnny’s it was clear that he had become sexually excited.
Johnny’s cheeks flushed, but Hadji just smiled and said, "It's alright, Johnny. In my culture, we take it as a compliment. Here, be proud of what you are."
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.