I'm filthy stinkin' rich, folks! Muuhahaha! Eat my dust! I knew all this Internet shit would eventually pay off!

From: "mr.Joey Lawrence" [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2003 5:40 PM
Subject: WINNING NOTIFICATION

MEGA LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL

Sir/Madam

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 6th of June 2003. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 20511465657-629 with serial number 3552-99 drew lucky numbers 7-14-17-23-31-22,which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,000,000.00 (One Million United States Dollars only) CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 100,000.00 company and 50,000,000.00 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three year. We hope with part of your winning you will take part in our end of year 50 million US$ International lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our nominated fiducially Agent, Mr. Joey lawrence Investment globe Inc., at Email: [email protected] .

Remember, all winning must be claimed not later than 12th of December 2003 after which all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and Complications remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do Inform our agent as soon as possible. Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified moreso the appointed fiduciary agent- Jim T. Gary - is the only one with powers to act on disbursing winning sums hence cooperate with him entirely to achieve your claims, Good luck.

Sincerely yours,
Gloria S. Wright
Lottery Coordinator

I can't possibly describe how excited I was when I read that email! Not only did I win a million bucks, but my lottery contact was none other than TV's Joey Lawrence! Oh truly fame and good fortune smiled upon me today!

From: [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, November 12, 2003 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: WINNING NOTIFICATION

HELLO JOEY LAWRENCE, I GOT THIS EMAIL AND I'M SO EXCITED!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ENTERING INSIDE YOUR INTERNET! CONTEST! PRAISE ALLAH

SO HOW DO YOU SEND THE MONEYS I WON, LIKE OVER EMAIL OR AIM OR WHAT BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU JOEY, I REALLY COULD USE THIS CASH! I NEED TO BUILD A BUS! I HOPE IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MONEY THAT YOU CAN ONLY USE AT THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BALL PIT BECAUSE THOSE RED BALLS SMELL LIKE URINE AND LET ME TELL YOU JOEY, I'M NEVER MAKING THAT MISTAKE AGAIN BUDDY

PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK SOON, I PROMISE I WON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT WINNING BECAUSE I WANT ALL OF THE MONEY AND I'LL BE DARNED IF SOME POOR SAP IS GOING TO TAKE MY NEWFOUND RICHES FROM ME! I'LL FIGHT TO MY FAT SON'S DEATH BEFORE I LET THAT HAPPEN! AND IF YOU TRY TO TAKE MY DREAMS FROM ME, I'LL SUE YOU BLIND BUDDY

GOODBYE JOEY LAWRENCE

- LEONARD
PS: TELL SIX I THOUGHT SHE WAS HOT
PPS: I AM NOT A "SIR/MADAM" BUDDY, I AM 100% MAN AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO MR. PACKAGE HERE IN MY PANTS

I was so uncontrollably excited that I accidentally replied using Leonard Crabs' email account! Also I went through about four pairs of underwear when I read the news, but that's a normal thing for me these days.

From: "Lawrence Joey " [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2003 8:23 PM
Subject: Re: WINNING NOTIFICATION

Dear sir,

kindly send us your Winning Batch number,phone,fax number and your Bank Account number for winning verification.

Thanks
Joey Lawrence

Wait, they sent me the lottery ticket for a contest I never entered and then they ask me to send my "winning batch number" back to them? What kind of disorganized contest is this? And what the hell is a "winning batch number" anyway? Does Joey Lawrence want me to tell him the size of my dick or something? I'm gonna' tell their "appointed fiduciary agent" Jim T. Gary on them! Wah!

From: [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, November 13, 2003 10:04 PM
Subject: Re: WINNING NOTIFICATION

dear joey lawrence,

first of all i'd like to apologize for the previous letter to you. my son came over and told me my 'cop lock' key was on and that's why all my letters were coming out biggie sized and my phone was calling 911 every time my wife fell down the stairs. i have since turned it off but i cannot figure out how to make the first letter of each sentence biggie sized like they do in the movies. do you know of a website that will teach me of such a thing? i would appreciate it if you could send me the url for one (that's website speak for 'internet').

i am going to go to my bank later today and get the necessary information for you so i can win your lottery and start collecting my moolah (that's website speak for 'money'). i am so excited!!! i have a question though: you said I need a phone number, fax number, and bank account number so you can give me my moolah. do i have to give you my phone number or can i give you my neighbor's phone number? my neighbor's name is jim gormund and he sells tractors. i usually use his phone because mine gets all hot when i touch it and sometimes emits powerful fumes which i believe killed my fish. i tried calling the phone company about this but they weren't able to tell me anything because my phone started getting really hot and emitting fumes which smelled like a watermelon rotting in a radio shack dumpster after some college kids peed on it. sometimes i just can't stand technology, you know?

anyway i'd really appreciate it if you could clarify that information for me so i can go to the bank and get that information for you. i can tell you the name of my bank account if that would help, it's the first national american bank of america and it's on the corner of patterson and 15th street next to the empty lot where they used to have the frozen custard stand until it got shut down during the drug raid. also my name is leonard colbrun if that would help any. i will go to the bank as soon as you get me the information i need!

thank you once again, i can hardly wait for my $2 million!!! please send it in $2000 bills so that way i'll have an even 2000 of them and will be able to impress those jerks down at the barber shop.

- leonard

PS: tell nick russo i think he's hot!
PPS: should i tell my bank people to contact you directly? if so, what is your phone number? i hope it's not one of those 900 numbers because the state won't let me call those since i was arrested for stalking the phone psychics and making them put on makeup at gunpoint

Notice how I shrewdly upped the ante here by casually mentioning the $2 million figure. That's what us hyper-intelligent webmaster people do. We wait until the right moment and then POUNCE all over our unsuspecting prey like an eagle trapped inside the mighty jaws of a shark who is being carried off by an ape. Joey Lawrence didn't know what hit him!

From: "Lawrence Joey " [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2003 1:02 PM
Subject: Re: WINNING NOTIFICATION

Dear sir, yes you have won. We will send Your Money as soon as you give us your Bank Account Number, phone number,full name and address so We can verify it in our computers. please do Not give my information to the bank because that will only slow down Our transfer of your money

Thanks Joey Lawrence

Wow! What a deal! I like how Mr. Joey Lawrence was so concerned about me receiving my cash in a timely fashion that he advised against contacting my bank and the beaurocratic bullies who would simply slow down the transfer of my hard-earned money! No wonder he starred in such hit movies as "Tequila Body Shots!"

From: [email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, November 15, 2003 11:52 AM
Subject: Re: WINNING NOTIFICATION

dEAR jOEY lAWRENCE,

i THINK MY COMPUTER IS MESSED UP BECAUSE IT'S MAKING ALL THE LETTERS THE WRONG SIZE!!! lET ME TELL YOU, i NEED THAT MONEY YOU'RE OFFERING MORE THAN EVER! mY WIFE SAYS i NEED TO BUY A NEW KEYBOARD BUT SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT AS COMPUTER SAVVY AS i AM BECAUSE, i MEAN LOOK AT THIS STUFF, THE PROBLEM IS CLEARLY ON MY MONITOR, NOT THE KEYBOARD! tHE KEYBOARD IS WORKING JUST FINE, IT'S THE SCREEN THAT IS SHOWING THE STUFF WRONG!!! praise allah

aNYWAY i WENT TO MY BANK YESTERDAY AND SAID "give me my account information right now so i can get my money from joey lawrence!!!" AND THEY ASKED "YOU MEAN JOEY LAWRENCE FROM tv'S 'bLOSSOM'?" AND I SAID "YEAH THAT'S THE ONE YOU PUMPKINHEADS, NOW GIVE ME ALL OF MY INFORMATION RIGHT NOW!!!" tHEN THEY GAVE ME THE INFORMATION AND i WROTE IT ALL DOWN AND HERE IT IS (i WILL COPY AND PASTE IT FOR YOU):

my social security number: 873-62-6829

WAIT THAT IS THE WRONG INFORMATION, HERE IT IS

MY VISA CARD NUMBER: 8372-8812-1002-6701-9942

OOPS WAIT, i DIDN'T MEAN TO GIVE YOU THAT, HERE IS THE RIGHT INFORMATION (i'M SORRY, i'M NOT GOOD AT COPYING AND PASTING jOEY)

Our Latex Vac-Bed is designed especially for those in search of the most intense bondage adventure possible! (R065) - $448.00

i AM SORRY THAT WAS NOT IT EITHER, LET ME TRY ONE LAST TIME:

bank account routing number: 6088941372 BANK: aMERICA'S fIRST nATIONAL aMERICAN nATIONAL bANK OF aMERICA

pLEASE HURRY UP AND SEND THE MONEY NOW BECAUSE MY WIFE IS ASKING ME HOW WE'RE GOING TO PAY FOR OUR DAUGHTER'S FOOD AND i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD A DAUGHTER. yOU PROBABLY NEVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY PROBLEMS BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAMOUS ACTOR AND HAD YOUR OWN SHOW ON THE wb nETWORK BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BUDDY, NOT ALL OF US WERE BORN WITH A SLIVER SPOON IN OUR MOUTHS! i WAS BORN IN A WAGON FOR GOD'S SAKE, PRAISE aLLAH!!!

tHANKS
- lEONARD

ps: wHAT WAS IT LIKE TO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON THE wb nETWORK? dID YOU GET YOUR OWN DRESSING ROOM OR DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE AT THE GAS STATION NEXT DOOR?
pps: aRE YOU MARRIED? bECAUSE IF NOT, MY WIFE'S SISTER IS A LITTLE CRAZY WHORE AND i KNOW HOW YOU hOLLYWOOD FOLKS GO FOR THAT TYPE.

Hmmm, no response yet. I hope Mr. Lawrence didn't spend too much time trying to get any of my information to work because I'd hate to think that I stole away his valuable time that he could've used to film new and exciting movies about low-budget suburban mall crimes. If I ever get my cashola (that's slang for "moolah") then you guys can be sure I'll be spreading the wealth with each and every one of you! Maybe I'll use some of the money to increase my batch number.

Moneypenny, get out from behind the washer this instant!

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here with the final and last part of the horrible, soul-sucking trilogy known as "Erotic Saturday Morning Cartoon Fanfic". I'm quite sure you are all very happy this is finished with considering the e-mail I've received about the last two updates.

Here's a sample of our reader e-mail:

the horror.
I wish I was dead

And as a special treat, I've copied every last erotic fanfic as the author posted them to text files and zipped them up for your downloading enjoyment.

Mirror 1

Mirror 2

Here's a preview of this week's installment.

Johnny and Hadji slipped into Dr. Quest's sauna. He usually got upset when the boys used the sauna without his permission, but he was away for the weekend, and after the most recent battle with the devilish Ezekiel Rage, they agreed that they needed a little R&R.

The glass door shut tightly behind them, and condensation slowly hid them away from any prying eyes.

"Ezekiel Rage is not my cup of curry," said Hadji.

Johnny laughed and said, "Hadji, you silly savage. Will you ever--" He was cut off and glanced down at his nubile body, which was by this point glistening with sweat. He and Hadji were wearing nothing but towels, and from the creases in Johnny’s it was clear that he had become sexually excited.

Johnny’s cheeks flushed, but Hadji just smiled and said, "It's alright, Johnny. In my culture, we take it as a compliment. Here, be proud of what you are."

Yager and Red Bull tastes like Smarties candy!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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