New Merchandise Available! Posters! Posters! Posters!
Hooray! Now you can cover the stains on your wall left by your frustrating sex life! Posters are here and rootin' tootin' mad as all hell! These posters are guaranteed to cover up bullet holes, bloodstains, other posters, other posters with bullet holes or bloodstains, and posters with pictures of walls on them. They're sleek, stylish, cheap, and eager to be the target of your long, blank stares.
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Safety Report: How Safe is Your Safety?
Living on the planet Earth can be one confusing experience. Unlike life on the sun, which is relatively simple, Earth life is full of challenges and obstacle courses that may or may not involve you having to crawl through a small tank filled with chocolate pudding while Marc Summers obsessively screams motivational slogans at you. Okay, so the latter doesn't happen much anymore, but that just illustrates the point I am about to make. The problem with living on this world is that the challenges are always changing. The threats we deal with now might be something entirely different next week. It's just a fact. Much like the many personas of popular children's entertainer Marilyn Manson, the threats we face are constantly mutating. One week, expert Nazi scientists might declare eggs to be the greatest evil since genetic impurity, and then the next week eggs are holier than Christ carrying a kitten. Keeping track of what's safe and what's not is a daunting task, but you can rest easy because I'm going to fill you in on the hot details like the friendly helper I am.Beware the magnet, for it is no friend of the robot.This Month's New Dangers
The following are now considered extremely dangerous and thusly should be avoided with extreme prejudice:
You'd never suspect magnets of having a hidden agenda, but it's true. Since the dawn of time, man has been utilizing magnet technology to make life easier and more pleasant. Let me tell you, we've had a free ride. Magnets are now the number one danger facing mankind. Not only will having sex with magnets cause serious injury, but you could also get infected if the magnets aren't clean. It doesn't end there. Don't even think about easing your hunger with magnets; because eating them is liable give you some serious digestive problems. Forget about shoving tiny magnets up your nose, too. You just can't win with magnets. If you have any in your house, take them to the nearest magnet disposal center post haste!
Bullets were mistakenly declared healthy last month, as medical experts deemed them a safe way of draining unnecessary fluids. Because of other concerns, such as the cleanliness of the bullet, they are now back to being considered a prime danger. Having bullets forcibly inserted into your person is strongly discouraged, as is forcibly inserting bullets into someone else's person. If you need to kill somebody, be creative and kill them in a way they would never expect. My suggestion: beat them to death in the kitchen using a candlestick, or choke them out in the parlor using some rope. Either way, that'll teach that dickhead Colonel Mustard not to mess with you.
Things That Are No Longer Dangerous
The following have been downgraded from deadly serious to safe for all:
Seawater has long been the bane of those trapped on small desert islands or left drifting aimlessly through the oceans on small rafts. It's water, yet you can't drink it. Well, turns out that that was just another myth. The water in seas is much like the water you drink, only instead of coming out of your sink it sits in the sea. Drink away, castaways! It's cheaper to drink from the ocean than to buy those expensive bottles of imported seawater.
Everyone seems to think that radiation is as poisonous as the bite of an Irishmen, but that's just an old wife's tale. Radiation has been known to do cool things, like turn your flesh into painful looking sores or cause your limbs to fall off. I don't mean to belittle you or accuse you of not being a party animal, but that's just the kind of stuff that kills at parties. If you approach a pack of foxy broads and your arm falls off as you start to hit on them, they will think you're sensitive. From there, it's a first class trip to Sexsylvania. As an added bonus, you'll be too sterile to father anything but death and suffering, so don't worry about any unwanted accidents!
Thanks to his cell phone, this man may live forever... OR DIE TRYING!Things That Are Now Healthy
The following threats are no longer conisdered threats and are now considered beneficial to you and your precious health, you health hoarding son of a bitch!
Experts have long said that continued cell phone usage can result in tumors or cancer. Tumors aren't so bad, as they are merely nature's flavor packets. But cancer is nature's way of stabbing you in the crotch, on a cellular level of course. It makes sense when you think about it, heroic calls on your cell phone causing the appearance of villainous cancer cells. But like ninety percent of science, it's a lot of bullshit backed up by facts. I'm here to tell you once and for all (for the remainder of this month only) that cell phones are as healthy as hugs and warm antibiotics! Why you can even sleep with your cell phone or rub it against your scrotum for good luck. When it rings, answer it confidently by saying, "Hello, if you called for cancer, she's not in!" Note: I attributed the female gender to cancer because women are the cause of most problems in the world.
I don't know how arm wrestling ever ended up being considered a danger, but it's not. It builds strong arm muscles and proper arm usage skills. Children denied the chance to arm wrestle often grow up to be weak and write for websites. This is absolutely unacceptable, as I can't hold up against competition. For my sake, force your children to arm wrestle each other. Go ahead and instill some competitiveness in them by telling them that the winner is the one you love most. This is more for my health than anything, so I appreciate your cooperation. To be honest, I'm not really sure what arm wrestling has to do with anything, as I mostly just want to be mean to kids without facing any direct consequences. Please hit your kids, because I can't.
As I've already said, safety concerns change every day. So keep in mind that what I've covered today probably won't apply next month. To be super safe, your best bet is to live in a bubble or constantly wear a suit of plate mail backed up by a King's Sword of Haste. But then watch out for those fucking sorcerers who can transcend your earthly shields like John Tesh transcends all human decency. Since I'm no longer making the slightest bit of sense, it's now time to wrap this up! ARTICLE TERMINATED.
New Guide in the Hizouse!
Good tidings to you, friends. It is I, Scott Delbango, here to inform you of a brand spanking new guide we have, entitled "Getting to Know Your Dance Dance Revolution Opponents." If you've ever been to an arcade with Dance Dance, you know of the insane individuals the game draws to it. To help you succeed in at least one thing in life, I took it upon myself to break down the most common opponents that you'll face, and gave some hard hitting hints to help you be number one!
"Shouting catchphrases like "You go girl," or "Bootyliscious" in front of a wide audience of arcade spectators, the Flamboyant Homosexual Man is perhaps the easiest opponent of all to spot. Usually, the man is not of the small, petite variety of gay man. Instead, they tend to be older, rugged, hairy men who enjoy being surrounded by young boys. Dancing in a more feminine manner than most strippers, the Flamboyant Homosexual Man is not a terrible challenge as far as the game goes.
Anyway, go check it out. I can't promise anything good will come of you checking it out, but I can certainly promise something bad will happen to you if you don't. So move it.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.