|Evil lumberjack and my nemisis, Baron Von Strudelwurst.|
You fools! This is Sammy the Safety Squirrel, Something Awful's mascot for safety! I want to first apologize for the misleading title and picture for today's article. I thought that if I made the title exciting enough, it would lure more potential readers. That's what we call "fooling the idiots" in the entertainment business. But enough monkeyshine! Today is a very important day for me. On this very day last year I lost my safety squirrel partner "Samson" on the job. We were hanging out in the forest collecting acorns so they wouldn't fall on the heads of unsuspecting bystanders, but then all of a sudden, an evil lumberjack by the name of Baron Von Strudelwurst came along and chopped down the tree we were sitting in with one mighty swing of his axe. Samson fell to the ground, unable to move due to a crushed spine. Strudelwurst, a cruel man with a long black beard and an unquenchable thirst for the suffering of all living things, stood gloating over Samson before finishing him off with his boot. I escaped with my life, but still plan on a day that I and Baron Von Strudelwurst will meet in battle to finish it once and for all.
That is why on this anniversary of Samson's death, who was only one day away from retirement, I wish to make this a day of safety in his esteemed honor. Besides roaming evil lumberjacks, this world is filled with many dangers. Some may look innocent or mundane in your daily lives, which makes them even more perilous. Today I want to go over some safety tips that you can copy and forward to all your office co-workers, and your mother. Once your mother gets a hold of it, that means it's only a matter of time until the whole world soon sees this in mother forwarded e-mail frenzy. So without further ado, let's do the safety shuffle for Samson, who is in hell now for cheating on his taxes.
When jogging at night, wear reflective clothing.
For some reason, a lot of people feel the need to jog at night. I've always thought it was just an excuse for vampires to go out and suck blood, and when they come back home to their family or roommates they can just say, "Oh, I was just jogging all night, not drinking the blood of the innocent." Regardless of my superstitious beliefs, it is possible that some of you jogging at night are not really vampires, and as such, need to make sure you stay safe out there. I mean it! Since visibility is so low, and cars speeding along might not see you in time, it is imperative that you wear reflective clothing. When jogging next to traffic, always face away from the cars. This way if you are going to get hit, at least you won't have to see it coming and poop your pants. If you are an attractive female jogger, you should probably wear very skimpy reflective clothing if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Don't drive drunk. Unless you want to really go home.
I know dude, I've been there. After drinking honeydew at the old oak tree until two in the morning, there is nothing I want more than to go home and pass out on the sofa. The only problem is that I'm drunk and my friends want to take my precious keys away from me. Listen, driving drunk is very serious business, and you should never, ever drive while intoxicated, unless you think you think you have a good shot of making it home. If you just want to crash at your pad and don't want to chill out at Denny's for another two hours to sober up a little, I can justify trying to weave your way through the streets to try to make it back, kind of like a blurry video game where you only have one life instead of three. The thing to watch out for while driving drunk is any bright, reflective object seemingly jogging on the side of the road. I'm always attracted to those, and washing my car the next day is a real bitch.
Beware of rats and Canadians
This world is swarming with deadly diseases of all types. The transmitting of these diseases can occur from a dirty fork, a blood covered toilet seat, or even an innocent-looking under aged prostitute from Saigon. But the most dangerous of these potential hosts of disease is either rats or Canadians. We all know that the rats carried the deadly bubonic plague in the medieval age, wiping out 1/3 of Europe. Well, the same thing can be said for Canadians, who could very well do the same thing to God's America with their wacky and trendy SARS disease that they seem to like so much. First with Celine Dion, then Brian Adams, and now this. Why can't those crazy Degrassi High watching assholes leave our country alone? So, if you see any rats coming towards you, shoot them with a crossbow. The same goes for any Canadians.
Don't pour boiling grease into your ears.
I know it's very tempting after frying up a big pan of bacon to just pour all the boiling hot grease into your ear cavities, but you must resist the urge. This is not safe at all, and could lead to permanent ear damage. Back when I was in 'Nam on my tour of duty, I was severely wounded this way. Charles was all over the place, overrunning our barracks with machine gun fire and intelligible profanity. My buddy next to me was hit with a mortar, showering me with his guts and organs. The zips had penetrated the wire, and we were getting slaughtered like hogs. I caught the last ‘copter out, watching all my friends die underneath me as we flew away. When I got back to base, they made me a cook since I was so emotionally traumatized by the massacre. Then while I was cooking some bacon for the troops I poured the boiling grease in my ears, severely burning me. I earned a purple heart and an honorable discharge. To this day I still have flashbacks when I hear the pops and sizzle of bacon grease. Just say NO kids; it's really not worth it for the high.
Chipmunks are faggots.
I know this isn’t a safety tip but I have to come right out and say it. I've had it up to here with these goddamn little fuzzy fruits. They are always so polite and nice all the time, so cute and soft, bloated with love and nuts. I swear to God, the next one of these furry little bastards that knocks acorns into my yard or cuts across my lawn is going to hear about it from my 30-06. Fucking chipmunks!
Check your smoke detectors for CIA bugs.
Whenever I get home from a long day's work promoting safety in our nation's forests and parks, the first thing I do is to scan for bugs that may have been planted by the CIA or FBI. I admit that after I got back from 'Nam, my views were regarded as "radical" and "revolutionary" by our government, but that was a time of change and free thought. Along with tripping on hardcore psychedelic drugs, I promoted the bombing of America's mailboxes to stop the tyranny of something or other that I can't remember. I also wrote Barry Goldwater a letter threatening to give him an atomic wedgie. Even though that was a long time ago, I am still convinced that they follow me everywhere, tracking my every move, and putting drugs in my cookies to make me lose interest in female squirrels (at least that's what I tell my wife). While checking your smoke detector for CIA planted bugs, you might want to also check the batteries so you don't horribly burn to death in case of a fire.
When fighting a Kraken, aim for the eyes
This is their only weakness. The horrible sea monster that is the Kraken delights in crushing wooden vessels that enter their watery dominion. If this happens to you, your only chance of survival is to keep shooting the Kraken in the eyes with a sling until its energy bar is completely drained. It may sound simple, but the Kraken's impenetrable eyelids open and close at fast paced intervals, leaving just a small window for a good shot. While you do this, you must dodge its flailing tentacles that shoot triple fireballs in your general direction. Despite all these perils, you can defeat this aquatic monstrosity and the boss of level 8 with the right amount of jumping and shooting. E-mail me if you need some more tips getting past him so you can fight the giant man eating plant.
Well, those are all the safety tips I have for you today. I wish I could give you some more, but the Something Awful stockholders have cut my pay, and I'm pretty pissed about it. You know, when I first joined this union I thought they would look out for my best interest, but it's all a corrupt den of thieves. I don't know how I'm going to make my child support payments this month, let alone my car insurance after it was jacked up when I hit that school bus while drunk on dandelion wine. Maybe I should give Lowtax a call and see if the Piggly Wiggly is looking for more bag boys. Aw shit, my war wound is acting up again. I have to go. Oh God my ears.
Dial Dot-Com for Dot-Com Murder!
Hello ladies and gents, this is Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka here to announce I have decided to spend my time reviewing what is probably one of the most laughably, embarassingly horrid movies I've seen in quite some time, ".com for Murder." It is about the Internet and how people in cyberspace will murder you if you're an ugly crippled woman. Needless to say, I feel very strongly that this information applies to a great many of us.
The Internet is our generation's Wild, Wild West. This untamed free range of Counter-Strike blubbering desperados and spamming outlaws has taken its fair share of victims over the past decade or so, turning many strong men into spineless, cowering simps trembling beneath an insurmountable wall of Viagra messages. Everybody knows that the Internet can be tremendously annoying, but a far fewer percentage of people are aware that the Internet can also be deadly. Yes, that is correct, this digital medium can kill you and your loved ones faster than you can say, "COMPUTER MACHINE! LOG ME OFF OF INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY! USE EMAIL DOT COM!" Director Nico Mastorakis, who is best known for his work on the critically acclaimed "Ninja Academy" and the blockbuster megahit "Ta Pedhia tou Dhiavolou," has perfectly illustrated this aforementioned point with his chilling, harrowing look into the deadly dot-com domain entitled ".com for Murder." This revolutionary film not only demonstrates the dangers of using chatrooms and electronic devices more complex than your average dog whistle, but it also illustrates the dangers of allowing a film studio to rent out recording equipment to Nico Mastorakis, a man who should be legally prohibited from filming anything that could possibly involve other human beings or inanimate objects.
Click and read this... for your own safety!