Hello boys and girls, how are you today? I'm sorry that I haven't been updating my regular safety tips that I scribble on acorn husks and drop into Frolixo's ear at night, but he started wearing earmuffs and set squirrel traps all over his room. The message of safety is so important that this did little to deter me. Finally he started taking me seriously once I chewed through his brake lines and he drove off a cliff, landing him in the hospital with a severed spine and mild brain damage. I left the acorn rinds deep in his scar tissue and bribed the nurses to get him a laptop and Internet access. If you are reading this now, then my plan worked out nicely, and the message of winter safety can be spread to all the children of the World Wide Web.
The most dangerous time of the year is the season of winter. Unless of course you are a sissy boy that lives in the south and sips Corona in a hammock all day. You silly fags have to deal with the hurricanes, but that's another safety update entirely. For those living in the frozen Midwest like me, the idea of winter brings images of snow, sledding, skiing, Santa, Satan, sacrifice, suckling demon goats, snowmen, and a whole bunch of other stuff that starts with ‘s’. For outdoor sports enthusiasts it can be a great time of year, but the weather also is full of many dangers that you should always be prepared for. Bad roads coupled with careless drivers lead to thousands of millions of billions of deaths every year. Children scramble across thin ice, plunging through the freezing water that sucks away their tiny life force. I watch these things from above, sitting on my lofty treetop, observing this human suffering with my beady, soulless, black eyes. Sure, I guess I could lower a vine down and save them, but it is nature's way and I must not interfere once nature has taken its course. What I can do is try to prevent people from getting hurt or killed by reading my winter safety tips or not leaving your house until the spring thaw, or until global warming eliminates winter all together. And please don't follow the advice of my nemesis and rival, Chester the Careless Chipmunk. He is a carpetbagger, and will invade your home to store his nuts and berries in your wife's vagina. Consider yourself warned!
Winter Sport Safety
The fun and excitement of a fresh snowfall drives many people outside to participate in various recreations like skiing, snowboarding, sledding, ice-skating, snowmobiling, and ice fishing. THEY ARE ALL FOOLS! Once you waddle into those snow pants and head out into that blustery winter weather, you are rolling the dice with your life. If you come up with snake eyes, you could end up frozen to death in a snow bank where the neighborhood children will make a fort out of your carcass. Jumping around in the snow like a frivolous retard seems like a good idea, but whenever you combine ice and fun, you end up with a one way ticket to Palookaville, population: you.
I've already mentioned seeing stupid children drowning in slushy lakes, their tiny arms flailing to find purchase on the edge of the shattered ice, and losing their grip when I drop my acorns on their miniature fingers, but there are many more dangers as well. A few years ago we lost one of the greatest entertainers of all time to a diabolical Tree Ent that leapt in front of him while he was skiing. That man's name was Sonny Bono. When you are skiing, always be on the lookout for evil Tree Ents, for they have been angered by the yuppie invaders that come in swarms to their peaceful mountainside forests, and have no mercy once they have you in their clutches. Sledding is another winter recreation that is all the rage these days with you crazy kids with your IPODs and hula hoops. Many children will run their sleds down hills that are nature preserves and it causes damage to the local wildlife and my daytime naps. I will usually run a strand of piano wire across the slope of the hill and watch the children learn their lessons about trespassing. I can't stand snowmobiles either. They are so loud and obnoxious that they should be outlawed and their owners flayed alive, or better yet, drawn and quartered by their own snowmobiles. The only way to make sure you stay safe this winter is to not participate in any outdoor sports or activities, wear a Hazmat suit at all times in case of a terrorist chemical weapon attack, and sleep on a bed made entirely of Bibles. The good Lord shall see thee through.
It's common knowledge that people drive like downy jackasses if there is any trace of snow or ice on the road. The color white must signal something to the human brain to make them crave a sack of White Castles and they start to swerve uncontrollably while drooling all over their steering wheel. Either that or it gives them Charlie horses and they can't drive over 5 mph in their urban SUV. With glee I once witnessed a brand new overpriced piece of shit Hummer plow through a heavy snow at high speeds, and then totally lose control and wrap itself around a telephone pole. I let out a hearty chuckle and called my friends so they could all see the asshole that thinks he's in an invincible military vehicle get taken out by a patch of ice. In order to get around safely in your car during the winter weather, you should always drive in a conservative, careful manner, but at the same time don't go too slow and impede traffic. It's not brain surgery you stupid faggots.
Always Double Sock
Hypothermia has climbed the nation's "causes of death" list over the past few years, beating out Syphilis and baboon attacks, and narrowing the gap on "biting a really sharp Dorito". I hope to reverse that trend this season by informing you people that when going outside in the cold, you should always wear warm clothing. Instead of putting one pair of socks on, try putting on two. Heck, why even gamble with your life, put on 3, 4, or even 5 pairs. You can never have too many socks. MIT (males in transition) scientists say that 90% of body heat is lost through your feet and mouth, not the top head like some quackball doctors say. Also, invest in a very thick down feather snowsuit, and bring along a space heater connected to a generator for constant heat no matter where you go. This coupled with the socks, and not opening your mouth all winter so the heat can't escape will ensure that the cold elements will not whisk you away to the hoary netherworld that I like to call Cleveland.
Don't Eat the Yellow Snow
I know it may be tempting to eat any colored snow we come across due to our innate love for snow cones, but I must implore you to show some restraint when it comes to yellow snow. A new report just came out from MIT professors that collected some of this mysterious snow, and the results were astounding. They recommend that you avoid consuming the said colored snow if at all possible, or at least keep it down to 2-3 servings per week. A normal serving size is about 2 ounces, or one scoop in your cupped palm. They still have not figured out where the yellow snow is coming from but they think that it has something to do with crop circles. Also do not rub the yellow snow ice crystals into your eyeballs, for this will blind you temporarily. Watch out for Eskimos.
Surviving a Yeti Attack
There are four things you want to do in case of a Yeti attack. It is extremely important that you follow my advice if you want to live. The Yeti is more dangerous than a thousand polar bears duct-taped together with shark teeth and bull horns and maybe even laser eyes.
1. If you see a Yeti start to approach you, don't run or make eye contact. Just pretend you don't see him and go about your business.
2. Once he comes closer towards to you to see if he wants to kill you and eat your shattered corpse, you should run as fast as you can away from the Yeti. If you see a power up mushroom, eat it.
3. Since his stride is over 6 feet long, he will catch up in no time and grab you in his large hands. Whistle the tune to The Andy Griffith Show and soil yourself.
4. When this fails to deter him, accept your fate. Your only chance is to offer him your most tender of sweet meats on your person, and hope he is grateful for your manners. With some luck you will return to your loved ones alive. Granted, without legs and arms, but a survivor.
Building a Snowman
Building a snowman can be the most dangerous thing you can do during the winter season. Only trained professionals who know full well what the pitfalls of an unsuccessful snowman building project can entail should be involved in such an undertaking. Just one engineering miscalculation while stacking the snowballs might cause your life to be forfeit under the crushing weight of an out of control snowball of death. My advice is to not even attempt to construct a snowman, and go about your normal, happy lives.
Often times, stupid skiers and snowboards who like to gallivant on hills are just asking to be buried alive under a mountain of snow. This is another thing I have witnessed personally after I accidentally dropped a lit stick of dynamite on top of the mountainside and enjoyed the carnage below while eating a box of corn nuts. The best way to survive being caught in an avalanche is to stay where you are, tightly packed in the freezing snow, and wait for a rescue team. Don't try to scream, for you will just waste your energy. If you think you've been trapped for over a week and still haven't been found, start eating your own body for sustenance. If they do end up finding you, sign an exclusive book deal on your harrowing survival, make a TV movie, and reap the rewards of the privileged life of an avalanche survivor.
Well kids, it's been a blast and I hope you learned a lot about Winter Safety! Please look both ways before crossing the street, brush your teeth three times a day, and stay away from smack. Heroin is a evil drug that will cause you to do horrible things like push children through frozen ponds and start avalanches. When I have some more safety tips for you, I'll be sure to leave the acorn husks somewhere deep inside Frolixo's body so he can use his Internet power to bring joy to the world. Be safe, and vote Nader in 2008!
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.