I don't know what's going on in this photo, but it's infinitely more exciting than Democracy.
I don't think I need to remind anybody that politics are boring. Anybody who has access to CSPAN or the cable access channel that shows four-hour blocks of nine doughy white guys arguing about the Yorba Linda Water District's new zoning plans knows that viewing the political process in motion is the equivalent of watching an elderly man drive to Wal-Mart at 11 miles an hour. It's boring, it's slow, it's monotonous, and it's full of elderly men. Although grade school teachers across the globe would like you to believe that voting and democracy in action is some intensely exciting event like X-treme Lightbulb Repairing, in reality it's dull as hell and seems like it lasts forever. That's the same complaint my fiancee has expressed about having sex with me, but that's okay because whenever I'm engaging in sexual intercourse with her I'm thinking of James Woods the entire time.
Anyway, the American political process is downright boring as sin. Say a Republican Governor or Senator or Congressman or the President or the Pope or whoever the fuck is in charge of introducing bills decides to introduce a bill that allocates $400 billion to making corn stalks shoot out anti-terrorist missiles which are coincidentally produced only in his state. He puts this bill on the floor and then the Democrats counter by changing the wording of the bill so it instead sends $400 billion into research and development of tiny missile-pills that women can take to blow up their fetus when they're too lazy to haul their fat white asses to the abortion clinic. The Republicans then tack on a rider to this bill that reserves $18 billion for the mass production of Flamethrower Zombie Troopers that can be sent into Pakistan or Iraq or some country full of filthy Arabs. The Democrats also tack on a rider that reserves $23 billion for the construction of a giant floating metal Abraham Lincoln head which spits out welfare checks in minority neighborhoods. Eventually the bill is put to a vote and gets struck down about 20 times each year, every year. Nine years later, the bill is finally passed and it's been changed so much that it now pledges $30 billion in support for the Anti-Manitoba Freedom Force, a rebel group that is fighting for independence from fascist ruler Manitoba. By the time the Anti-Manitoba Freedom Force figures out how to use their US-bought weapons and now despises us, it will take us another 15 years to pass an Anti-Anti-Manitoba Freedom Force bill which gives the government of Manitoba $60 billion in weapons. This is democracy in action. As you'll also note, it is stupid.
This will all soon change. There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon, rising up like a really greasy tick full of helium and dog's blood and has a bunch of light shining off it's bloated body for some reason. A new candidate is thinking of entering the "dog eat dawg" world of politics, a person whom every upstanding American citizen can get behind and rally as he lifts up a burning car and saves the life of a cyborg toddler trapped beneath its charred hulk: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
'Terminator' Not Ruling Out Politics - Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he may yet run for governor of California. "It's something that I'm still interested in (for) the future. I think that the greatest thing you can do is serve the people," Schwarzenegger said. "It gives me the greatest satisfaction – much more than going down another red carpet to do a movie premiere – to go and create after-school programs, help special Olympians, inspire kids to stay away from drugs and gangs."
An upcoming campaign poster.
Are you excited yet? Well you sure as hell better be or else Arnold will personally come over to your house and crush your skull like a rotting grape beneath the tread of an Abrams tank. Then he'll say something clever like "grape to see you" and an entire building somewhere will explode. It doesn't really matter; a vote against Arnold is a vote for your own death. Besides, why the hell would anybody not want to vote for Arnold? He's shown us time and time again that he can solve any problem ever created at any time, including the future, past, present, and slightly past future present. Let's take a look at his track record of creative problem solving and overall "getting the job done":
Arnold defeated many ancient Greek gods while simultaneously touring New York in 1970. All of this was done without saying a single word. I bet George W. Bush Jr. III Esq. couldn't even beat up one single god, although the idea of him not saying a single word does appeal to me.
Arnold was an evil killing machine who traveled back in time from the future to be evil and kill while being a machine in, uh, 1984. When is the last time you voted for an evil killing machine? If I could get a lapel pin that said "I voted for the Evil Killing Machine in 2004," you bet my ass I would vote for that candidate.
Arnold killed approximately 500 million billion jillion people in just the last 14 minutes of a Commando-esque raid in 1984. This shows that he has the "can do" attitude that it "will take" to get "the" job "done." If you don't believe this then you've got a meeting with mister explodey-bullet at 11:00 am sharp, bub!
Arnold was kicked off the FBI and became the sheriff of a North Carolina town in 1986, the duties of which included him going undercover and infiltrating a large Mafia network while carrying a very large automatic weapon. As the old saying goes, "if you can make it in a small North Carolina town, you can make it anywhere."
Arnold defeated a fat man who sang opera and shot electricity in the futuristic past movie filmed in 1987. As the old saying goes, "if you can defeat a fat man who sings opera and shoots electricity, you can make it anywhere."
Arnold teamed up with his twin brother Danny DeVito to solve a crime in 1988. This alone could produce a line of bumper stickers that read "Don't blame me; I voted for the guy whose twin brother was a midget" if he ever loses an election. Which he WON'T, by the way.
Arnold saved THE ENTIRE PLANET OF MARS in 1990 while having a red Christmas tree bulb shoved into and out of his nostril. He also found some way to survive on the planet surface of Mars without any oxygen, although it did make his face turn lumpy and even more disfigured than it normally looks.
Arnold protected a whole bunch of children from serial killers in 1990 as well. Now this by itself is an incredible feat, but keep in mind that in 1990 he also saved Mars as well! I don't think any presidential candidate can even TRAVEL from Mars to Earth in less than a year, yet Arnold can do that AND save kids / planets! Chew on that, nay-sayers!
Arnold traveled back from the past future to the future past future present in 1991 and decided to save all humanity instead of letting robots destroy it. Robots made of liquid metal that could turn into checkered floor tiles and run down the road really fast. How many times does this guy have to save us all before you decide to vote for him?
Arnold beat up THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS HIMSELF, THE DEVIL in 1999. There's nothing more that needs to be said about this. He beat up SATAN for Christ's sake! Ha ha, that was just a little play on words, thanks for coming along for the ride!
Arnold stopped a megalomaniacal cloning corporation from cloning clones of cloned clones in the past future of 2000. He also got cloned but learned to love and live with his clone by shipping him off to another continent while he fucks his wife.
Do I honestly need to write anything more? Most political candidates list pussy shit like "worked for the Reno Waste Management Commission" or "elected as Mayor" on their resumes. Arnold Schwarzenegger can write "I beat up Satan in 1999" on his! Can anybody every one-up that? Is it even possible to do something more important than repeatedly shooting the Devil with a Glock? If there is, I can't name it offhand, and even if I could, I wouldn't. While other candidates are running around and whining about equal rights or taxes or volcanoes or whatever the current political "hot topics" are, Arnold is out there getting results, whether it be him saving entire planets or traveling through time to shoot people in either the past or the future. Arnold could not only beat any political hopeful in a race for votes, but he could also beat them with a wooden plank that he tore off a rental boat used to chase terrorists. It's this kind of flexibility that makes Arnold the only choice for smart voters across the globe.
It's in the future, so it has to be good!
Now I know what you're worrying about right now: plaque and tooth decay. You're also worrying, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, there's only one Arnold Schwarzenegger! How can I vote for him if he's not in my state?" The answer to this is simple: just like in Arnold's non-hit movie "The Sixth Day," we can manufacture unlimited clones of him and allow each clone to run for office in every political position in every state everywhere! Just think about the benefits:
No more bickering between parties. There will be no silly "Republican" or "Democrat" divisions anymore; there will just be "Arnold Schwarzeneggers" and "Not Arnold Schwarzeneggers," the former category having no active members because the "Arnold Schwarzeneggers" would make them explode or shoot them with bullets during election runoffs. Arnold Schwarzenegger would always agree with Arnold Schwarzenegger, so there would be no need for debates or even meetings anymore. A bill would be proposed and then bam, 10 minutes later it'd be voted into effect and Arnold Schwarzeneggers across the US would be enforcing it. No more mess or red tape to interfere with our democratic process!
No more terrorist threats. If there's one thing Arnold knows, it's how to make terrorists blow up. He inherently knows where they hang out and how to sniff out their plans for world domination, so it'd only be a matter of time before all anti-American threats find themselves not living anymore.
American kids would get into shape and stop being so fat because Arnold would implement a mandatory strict dietary and nutritional supplement system. If any Arnold Schwarzeneggers found a fat child or a child who has the potential of getting fat, they would be taken from their parents and used as fat fuel for a giant US zeppelin that runs on bloat.
We wouldn't have to worry about Mars. You know, because he already saved it and everything.
In addition to these positives, we must also keep in mind that Arnold will create new branches of the government to help our glorious country reach its full potential, one where we're putting in 110% effort and doing it for the team and experiencing a rollercoaster ride of thrills and chills or perhaps the feelgood experience of the summer. Here's just a few of the new governmental offices we can look forward to:
The Department of Grimacing in Pain - Every Arnold movie has at least one scene where he has been captured by the enemy and is being tortured for no apparent reason. During this grueling and painful procedure, Arnold grimaces and contorts his face into what seems like the effects of explosive decompression. This department would help raise public awareness for the need of proper tooth and gum care because let's face it; you never know when you'll need to grimace in pain.
The Department of Exploding Buildings - This branch of the government will study how to make entire buildings explode more effectively, hopefully towards the end of a 90-minute interval. Scientists will aim to develop a mechanism that alerts people as to when they should leap away from the exploding building at the last possible moment.
The Department of Catchphrase Development - English scholars and linguists across the globe will develop a universal "witty retort" standard which anybody may use before killing a bad guy or a series of bad guys. For example, if you're about to kill your evil boss by shooting a glue gun into his stomach, you could say "thanks for sticking around" and then his chest would explode. With glue. Do you get it? "Sticking around" refers to the glue, yet it's a common saying! That's humor, my friend.
I think it's clear to anybody with half of half of a functioning brain that Arnold is not the best choice for the upcoming elections, but he should be the ONLY choice. Let us help you help us by cloning Arnold Schwarzenegger and distributing him across political positions throughout this great country of ours, whatever it's called. North South America I think. During his presidential speech, Arnold will thank us all by saying "Sank yew velly mooch, I aim so acksited too bee plesident now dat I have an incledible electian in muy pahnts!" Get it? An "election" in his pants? Instead of "erection?" In his election speech? That's humor, my friend! If you don't get it, I really don't blame you because I'm rereading it now and I don't understand it either. This is all the more reason to vote Arnold in every year for every position. After all, isn't it about time we saved Mars and murdered the Devil?
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.