Thanks to SA Forums member davidspackage for a dramatic reading of this article.

Gutentag, Herr Claus.

We meet again.

I believed the matter of Weinachten settled upon our last encounter in the Oakfield Mall. If you will recall, your dumpfbacke henchwoman "Meg" forced me to sit upon your lap in an undignified manner und submit to photography. After, we discussed my needs for various implements und games und DVD box set. My list was detailed exhaustively und included suggested suppliers.

Now imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning und scurried down to the tree und discovered my demands were not met. I received, not the items I had researched und submitted, but rather a collection of cheap Chinese Scheisse hardly worthy of an ill-mannered gypsy brood.

No, shhh, don't talk. Not just yet, Weinachtmann. You will have your chance to explain. For now, listen in silence while I illuminate the depths of my disappointment.

To begin with, I demanded the 80 gigabyte Playstation 3 mit two dual analog controllers, Uncharted 3, Move controllers und Just Dance 3. There is no explanation why this did not come last year. You had your chance.

Fail me once, I may be lenient, after all it was a good decision to placate me with the bicycle, but fail me two years in a row und it begins to reflect poorly on my leadership. I cannot allow this to slide. No effort was made. I received the Xbox 360 game Just Dance Kids 2. Do you know what "kids" dance like, Herr Claus? Scheisskopfs. Do you take me for eine scheisskopf?

A lack of attention to detail also seems to be a recurring issue for you, Herr Claus. Last year it was the purchase of a pair of Spy Kids Night Vision goggles when I clearly requested the superior lowlight performance of the Night Raider Darksight Headset. Four-und-a-half fucking stars on Amazon. Flymama75 called it "Incredible night vision" and though I question her views on the Kindle DX and Emeril's line of cookware, a broken clock can be correct exactly two times per day.

This year your insult is too grave to be ignored. You give me the three-disc collection of Transformers movies. Does this Michael Bay dreck resemble the Beast Wars complete series box set? Perhaps superficially, I will admit, but if you dig deep there are far more believable characters in the Beast Wars franchise. You have no excuse. You are like the proverbial upside-down pisspot in the middle of the night.

Lastly, I will bring attention to the matter of the socks. Do you think these are cute? Fußball ball socks? I made no request of socks this year. I have more socks than any human could desire. My drawers overflow with the horrid things and certainly you should by now realize I prefer austere, single-colored socks without patterning. Fußball? I want to spit upon your face.

Killing you would seem the only way to make up for these transgressions. Be done with it, ja? But what does this accomplish, Herr Claus? How does this bring me any closer to my goals?

Nein. You will be permitted to live one more day. First, to contemplate your fate should you fail me a last time, but also to correct your misdeeds.

I will untie you and you may go. You have 24 hours to put right what you have done here. If you do not value your own life then think of your wife. I believe I can make her scream.

– Felix Richter, Age 8 (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.