This article is part of the News Magazine of the Computer Screen series.
The President is alive and well and thanking his lucky stars for Gilroy Gabby, the loyal Secret Service Agent who took a curse for the Commander-in-Chief! The President, an amateur Egyptologist, was preparing to open a newly discovered sarcophagus for the first time in thousands of years. Agent Gabby, ever vigilant and dedicated to the glorious ideals of the United States of America and those elected to represent it, sensed something was wrong and jumped in front of the sarcophagus, absorbing the sum of a deadly curse from the pharaohs of old!
"I simply followed protocol," said Agent Gabby. "If a former leader of Russia tried to shoot my president, I would jump in the way. If a former leader of Egypt tries to curse my president, I still jump in the way."
The President was relieved, though saddened for Agent Gabby. "Agent Gabby is a great man and the reason I am not going to die abruptly. I hereby order the immediate renaming of New Jersey in his honor."
Professor Theodore Beyond, an expert on ancient curses, suspects Agent Gabby has two weeks at most to live. "Following the contraction of a curse, the victim will usually die in a fatal automobile crash within two weeks. If he avoids riding in or driving a car, then another car or carriage of some sort will certainly run him over."
What special celebrations does Agent Gabby have for his final days? "I plan to spend time with my wife and children, so that they may look at me and come to know the horrible face of death."
Agent Gabby is only the 10th Secret Service Agent to contract a fatal mummy curse. Here's hoping he's the last!
Madness and bedlam gripped the streets of Bismarck, North Dakota when an assortment of wild and exotic animals escaped from the city zoo and invaded a nearby radio station! The escape took place in the early morning hours, allowing the creatures to evade zookeepers who had yet to arrive for work.
As police sirens blazed, the animals, a loose alliance consisting of one fox, one gorilla, one elephant, one leopard, fourteen exotic butterflies, and one pugnacious sloth, took shelter inside a nearby radio station as it prepared for its morning drivetime programming.
The staff of the station managed to escape, but did not have time to turn off the equipment. This allowed the ornery beasts to congregate in the studio and broadcast their wild sounds to the entire Bismarck metropolitan area.
Tens of millions of Bismarck residents were horrified, unable to make rhyme or reason of the horrible sounds emanating from their superheterodynes!
"My children's ears are forever soiled and bereft of innocence," shouted one irate mother to our apathetic cameras. "I now pray that they go deaf!"
For approximately three hours the posse of wild animals howled, barked, bellowed, grunted, cackled, fluttered, and roared into microphones, terrorizing local listeners and causing mass panic.
"I thought there was something wrong with my radio so I adjusted the dials," reported one man, so ravaged by panic that he attempted suicide three times. "But I was correctly tuned in. It was horrible."
"I told my children to drink poison and hide in the basement while I fashioned us coffins and dug graves," said one industrious dad with an embarrassing story to tell his wife. "I thought it was the End of Days!"
"I do not think the animals knew what they were doing," declared storied zoologist and adventurer Lord Graypaw. "They just needed a place to hide from authorities."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Amazing, sensational NEWS REEL stories for the INTERNET AGE!