This article is part of the News Magazine of the Computer Screen series.
Scientists everywhere are promising a grand spectacle this Thursday when an asteroid eight times the size of Lansing, Michigan comes crashing into the Earth!
"I assure you, there will be no greater spectacle to see than this asteroid's catastrophic impact," promised Professor Malibu Portents, asteroid expert and renowned scrimshander.
The asteroid, a menacing hunk of rock headed straight for our fragile planet, is expected to extinguish most if not all life in a spectacular event unlike anything ever experienced in mankind's history!
"Should be a real beauty," proclaims Ivan Hambone, the scientist who first observed the gigantic rock in the sky. "This one's a definite 10 on the Torino scale. Well worth watching. Maybe have a barbeque and soak in the sights."
Current models show that the asteroid will impact with the planet Thursday evening, likely hitting Antarctica. But you don't have to travel south to see the show! Once the asteroid breaches the atmosphere, the entire sky will be awash in a brilliant white light. Then, minutes later, horrible clouds of toxic black will encompass everything. It will be as though the air itself is burying us alive!
"Life as we know it will come to a quick and somber end," said America's leading nihilist, who has no name because he finds monikers useless. "In our wake shall remain nothing. No legacy, no future."
But Professor Malibu Portents disagrees with the revered ne'er-do-well. "It will be a terrific end! Never before will such an awesome and amazing catastrophe be witnessed by man. You don't want to miss watching this."
There you have it folks! Come Thursday, look to the sky and enjoy the fireworks!
In a daring daytime heist, robbers stole thousands of hours from the National Timebank's heavily fortified vaults. These hours, the sum of our annual daylight savings, were intended to collect interest and be used at a later date or in the event of a national emergency.
The National Time Bank, located one hour north of Fort Knox, was believed to be impenetrable.
Richard Barnstormer, U.S. Secretary of Time, is determined to get those hours back no matter the cost. "Those hours will not be lost on my watch."
But others in the government are not so sure! "We literally have no idea what is going to happen," declared a masked phantom, identifying himself only as a high ranking member of the government. "The robbers could use those hours for themselves to commit all sorts of other crimes, and we would not be able to stop them. They could be hours ahead of us by now!"
"We are racing against the clock to try to recover those hours," said FBI Director Gordon Fisherman. "But time is slipping away from us."
In an effort to calm fears, the President of the United States called a press conference, but it ended before it even started. Stunned and not sure what happened, the President simply covered his mouth and yelped softly.
"Never before has America faced such a crisis," reported Professor Albert Ramshackle, an expert in 4th-dimensional matters. "Time is not on our side."
Signs that these purloined hours are being misused are already evident. Millions of Americans are reporting mysteriously overcooked roasts, while others are waking up an hour early for no discernable reason. This past Monday, Pacific and Eastern time zones were briefly in sync for the first time in history.
"Until we nab these bandits and recover those hours, we cannot rely on clocks or timepieces," said one unknown man who looked like he really knew his stuff.
Upstart presidential candidate Rex W. Dreamboat made the missing hours a key issue in his campaign. "We should never have gone off the sundial standard," he told supporters at a Monday rally in Waco, Texas.
One thing's for sure - sooner or later these bandits will run out of time!
This has been a presentation of the SA REEL SERVICE NEWS MAGAZINE of the COMPUTER SCREEN!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Amazing, sensational NEWS REEL stories for the INTERNET AGE!