This article is part of the News Magazine of the Computer Screen series.
Life in Gillette, Wyoming was turned upside down for several hours when an angry and distraught brown bear took to the city's clock tower with a high powered rifle! The bear fired shots at residents for several hours, causing panic and disarray in the normally bustling streets!
The bear fired seemingly random shots at crowds, often missing frightened residents by as much as 300 feet! Even still, the big bulky behemoth turned an otherwise ordinary day into a war zone! Eyes bulged in sheer disbelief, unable to comprehend the harrowing sight of an angry and armed bear attempting mass murder!
"He had terrible aim," said one witness, who thinks the bear might have fired a shot at him but cannot tell for certain because he was some 100 feet from where the bullet hit. "I don't know why he just didn't maul people. It would have been so easy for him. We probably would have stupidly walked right up to him and maybe even poked him or something completely irresponsible. I might have totally stuck my head inside his open mouth just to impress my friends."
The bear was brought to justice when police dynamiters blew up the clock tower. Once the tower's base exploded, the rest of the tower toppled over and the bear fell out. Stunned, he attempted to turn the gun on himself, but officers were able to wrestle it out of his hands and place him in handcuffs.
"We made sure to write down the correct time before we blew it up," said one motivated demolitions expert brandishing a stick of dynamite in front of the burning wreckage of the historic clock tower and only timepiece in the entire state.
"We're not sure what caused him to climb up there with the rifle," said Police Chief Boss Clayton. "Maybe he was just tired of it all. Maybe he just snapped."
They came from out of nowhere bringing terror, fear, and panic to the stunned population! Wichita never imagined it could happen to them, so they never took precautions to stop it. Pirates, the scourge of law and commerce seized control of the humble Kansas town, inflicting damage that may never be undone!
The ghastly buccaneers first captured the mayor, holding him for a king's ransom while townspeople scurried to raise the necessary capital. When they collected the money and presented it to the pirates, the loathsome marauders took them captive as well!
As the hours dragged on, the harrowing ordeal grew even more terrible for the poor, helpless citizens of Wichita!
"They made rich men dance foolishly while they looted the bank vaults of doubloons and rare spices!" cried one victim, whose face was gently brushed by a pirate's parrot when it flew around a little bit! They despicable villains even forced unmarried women to peel oranges for them, no doubt in some desperate attempt to fend off scurvy and loneliness!
After twelve ungodly hours of torment, the pirates left! But not before they robbed the town of all its gold, spices, and able-bodied boys of marauding age!
"They took the hardiest boys who excelled in knot tying, no doubt to train the next generation of evil pirates," declared one angry survivor, whose entire family fortune of spice was purloined along with his 12-year-old son.
A spokesman for the vile pirates claimed to be operating with a letter of marque issued by the Mayor of Topeka.
Topeka Mayor James "Bloodbeard" Drake denied any affiliation with the pirates, and reiterated Topeka's commitment to the 1856 Declaration of Paris.
This has been a presentation of the SA REEL SERVICE NEWS MAGAZINE of the COMPUTER SCREEN!
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Amazing, sensational NEWS REEL stories for the INTERNET AGE!