Despite what you may have heard, we love our killer whales at SeaWorld, and they love it here. We catch only the laziest, dumbest whales that wouldn't be able to hack it in the outside world. These are the bozos of the ocean. We turn them loose and they are choking to death on a lost beach ball inside a day. They're happy in this tiny swimming pool we built them. The water covers most of them and there are turtles and some other stuff that got in there. They like it.

Who are you going to believe on this one? A bunch of whale trainers who hang out with these idiots 24/7 or some stupid whale that can't even open a door. Raccoons can open doors.


We feed our whales root beer and yogurts whenever they want. Jealous?


Everyone comes in thinking life for these whales in the wild is like the Little Mermaid. The reality could not be further from truth. First of all, don't be ridiculous, there is very little proof that mermaids are real. And second, we gave these whales names and everything.

There's Whaley right now. All I have to do is clap my hand on the water a few times and he'll jump out. No, even we don't know why they jump out of the water. We tried to teach them to use iPads and just text us, but they ate the iPads and that was like 800 dollars.



You give me five dollars and I'll let you feed the whale root beer. He loves it. Throw in another five and you can ride on him, pet him, kiss him, whatever you want to do. Look, you and I both know this park is going to close within a year and we're just going to dump these whales off at a city pool in San Diego. That doesn't mean we can't have fun with them now. Watch me get this one to eat a frisbee.

You want to cut off some of the whale to take home? Sure, no problem! We're pretty sure they can't feel pain. Just don't take any of the important stuff like the eyes or whatever the top tooter is called.


Please don't get us mixed up with the Cove people. They kill hundreds of dolphins every year. Over more than 50 years of operating SeaWorld we have killed 175 dolphins. Tops.

I love these whales like I love my own children. My kids were taken from me because I fed them nothing but soft pretzels and left my three year old in charge of watching my twin babies at the mall. If I treat my own kids like pretzel kings and queens of the mall, how do you think I'm going to treat these whales that didn't even make me fat and ruin my social life?

You'd better come to SeaWorld or we're going to have to just roll these whale idiots off a truck outside a fire station and screech off in the middle of the night. Sorry. It's their fault for getting so fat on all these root beers and soft pretzels.

– SeaWorld Truth (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.