A Quick Overview

I used to be just like you. Actually this is not true. I have always been rich because of the secret I am about to tell you about today. Skeptical? I guess you are not ready to spend your days earning thousands of dollars a day working from home and not being hassled by a social worker to bathe yourself. This is my life and I'm loving every minute of it.

Just the other day I drove down to Safeway and I didn't even plan on buying anything. I just went for fun and walked out with twelve Slim Jims. If this is science fiction for you then go to the bathroom and immediately drink an entire gallon of bleach because you do not deserve to read this webpage or exist in the same world as me. But if you are brave and ready to live the wild life please meet the secret to my success.

This is my dad. He is the best dad and we went parasailing three times this weekend just because we could. He cares about me and MAKING MONEY.
This is my dad. He is an investment banker and he made over one million dollars last year. Long ago my dad was a struggling chump like you but he decided to get his act together (not like you) and make a lot of money. Of course he inherited his first million from my grandpa but he used this to make more millions and marry my mom. And ever since he pulled her off life support he makes even more money every day. My dad has killed men before and no jury will convict him because he is so rich. Welcome to America and if you don't like it jump into the nearest combine.

What Is My Secret?

This is my suggestion for what to do because you are poor and do not care about MAKING MONEY. Make sure someone takes the rope afterwards because it is worth more than you.The secret is my dad has a lot of money and gives some of it to me every day. He even gave me a camera so I can take pictures of myself in front of fancy cars at the hotel across the street. If your dad is not my dad I'm sorry to say that you will never have money. This is the way the system works. And if you are wondering if my dad can be your dad, I hope a wild horse bursts through your living room window and rapes you in the mouth. In fact I'll be riding that horse and I won't stop him.

Let me tell you this: my dad does not want any more kids. He will not even acknowledge the children that the court system and The Maury Povich Show said were legally his. What makes you think my dad will give you the same money he gives me. It's mine and you can't get it so get back to your job squirting gas into my car and don't give me lip. I have run down men in cold blood for less and my dad is best friends with Alan Dershowitz or Uncle Dershie as I call him.

My advice to you after you have read this entire page that I wrote just because I have so much free time is that you should take your own life and send me your money because you will never have my money. You will no longer have to live the life of a poor and see me not have to order from the dollar menu when I go to McDonald's. Sometimes I order a 20-pack of Chicken McNuggets and throw away three or four of them. Welcome to my world. Now please leave because I'm going to go buy a speedboat.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.