My True Calling...

I have finally found my true calling in life thanks to eBay. This is an event which really goes against the grain, as the nature of eBay often causes people to realize what they absolutely, positively, 100% do not want to ultimately do in life. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

TRANSFORMERS GENERATION ONE - $10,000

Here is what is up for auction to help you with names in each picture below: AUTOBOTS 1984:OPTIMUS PRIME, TRAILBREAKER, SIDESWIPE, SUNSTREAKER, WHEELJACK, JAZZ, RATCHET, IRONHIDE, BLUESTREAK, PROWL, HOUND, MIRAGE, BUMBLEBEE, CLIFFJUMPER, BRAWN, WINDCHARGER, HUFFER, GEARS, BUMBLEJUMPER, RED BUMBLEBEE, YELLOW CLIFFJUMPER. DECEPTICONS 1984: MEGATRON, SOUNDWAVE, BUZZSAW, RAVAGE, RUMBLE, FRENZY, LAZERBEAK, STARSCREAM, SKYWARP, THUNDERCRACKER. AUTOBOTS 1985: OMEGA SUPREME, JETFIRE, BLASTER, PERCEPTOR, ROADBUSTER, WHIRL, TOPSPIN, TWINTWIST, POWERGLIDE, COSMOS, SEASPRAY, BEACHCOMBER, WARPATH, CAMSHAFT... (other 99/100ths of the list not quoted)

Now after reading a bid description like that, one where the auctioneer was able to list approximately 15 billion Transformers FROM MEMORY (yes, from memory), I instantly realized that no matter what job occupation I may choose in the future, there's no way in hell that I want to end up working with that guy. I can't think of anybody more potentially psychotic in the world except perhaps the person who actually ponies up $10,000 to purchase the freak's used toys. I can just imagine what kinds of conversations might ensue when this guy is attempting to pawn off his crap.

TRANSFORMER SELLER: "HELLO I HAVE ZILLIONS OF TRANSFORMERS INCLUDING BEASTBOX, QUAKE, SPINSTER, NEEDLENOSE, FLAMEFEATHER, AND SPARKSTALKER, THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION INDEED."

TRANSFORMER BUYER: "OH WELL THAT'S A VERY NICE COLLECTION BUT DO YOU HAVE SPROCKET, OVERRUN, ASTRO SQUAD, METRO SQUAD, AND CONSTRUCTION PATROL?"

TRANSFORMER SELLER: "WHY YES I DO THAT'S A DUMB QUESTION BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY SINGLE DAMN TRANSFORMER EVERY MADE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE."

TRANSFORMER BUYER: "OH YES I BET YOU DO, HEY I THINK THIS ABOMINUS TRANSFORMER HAS BITE MARKS ON ITS LEG FROM WHEN YOU WERE A KID."

TRANSFORMER SELLER: "NO, I MADE THOSE BITE MARKS LAST WHILE NIGHT IN BED, TRYING TO SILENCE THE VOICES IN MY HEAD THAT SPEAK TO ME AND TELL ME THAT COLONEL SANDERS IS A STUNT BIKER WOOKIE BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION."

TRANSFORMER BUYER: "WOW YOU HAVE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD TOO? DO YOURS TALK TO YOU IN ALL CAPS LIKE MINE?"

TRANSFORMER SELLER: "WHY YES THEY DO, NOW GIVE ME THE $10,000 OR I'M TAKING BACK THE COMPUTRON."

TRANSFORMER BUYER: "OKAY LET ME JUST PULL THE PLUG ON MY MOM AND COLLECT THE CHECK."

However, today's topic isn't about how neurotic some Transformers nutballs are; today's topic is about how neurotic some screenwriters are. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about every screenwriter, but simply limiting my criticism to screenwriters who sell their scripts through eBay.

Yup, you read that correctly. Now that we've entered the digital age where (according to popular television shows) people can turn into tiny 1s and 0s and fly through data streams and fight computer viruses with microscopic cyberguns, it seems as if the movie industry has begun to pay more attention to this digital medium. Need proof? Let me illustrate this example with the following eBay auction (thanks Kevin):

HOLLYWOOD IDEA, SCRIPT "NEW YEAR'S EVE" FILM - $100,000.00 - GREAT HOLLYWOOD IDEA! "NEW YEAR'S EVE" SCREENPLAY.. LOGLINE: "ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, A COP DISCOVERS A TERRORIST PLOT TO BLOW UP TIMES SQUARE, NY." THIS SPEC SCRIPT IS TITLED "NEW YEAR'S EVE".

Keep in mind that this guy is attempting to charge $100,000 for essentially THE TITLE TO A SCRIPT. For all we know, the manual could be loaded with 117 photographs of the author pulling a wheelbarrow with his penis (not that this wouldn't be worth $100,000, but I can find that kind of stuff on The Stile Project for free). It's the concept of merely being able to ask for $100,000 for a mystery script that intrigues me. Think about it; what is your $100,000 paying for? Let's gather all the available information.

"GREAT HOLLYWOOD IDEA."- All caps might denote an "exciting" script, but it also might suggest author uses AOL, so you'll probably have to download Instant Messenger to chat with him.

"'NEW YEARS EVE' SCREENPLAY" - Script probably takes place on or around New Year's Eve, hinting at a very tight shooting schedule and lots of inebriated family members.

"ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, A COP DISCOVERS A TERRORIST PLOT TO BLOW UP TIMES SQUARE, NY" - If you do not own Times Square or know a friend who owns it, you will probably have difficulty filming there. I'd imagine it costs at least $100,000 to buy Times Square, so the total price of shooting the film has already doubled! This is what's known in the screenwriting industry as the old "bait and switch" or the "Rhode Island Rimjob." You'll also have to get a Police officer's uniform, which means you'll have to kill a cop, and you can't do that unless you're a popular rapper or drug czar (in which case you probably won't have to worry about money anyway).

THIS SPEC SCRIPT IS TITLED "NEW YEAR'S EVE" - Added for emphasis I suppose, or in case you forgot what you read one sentence earlier.

So before you've even had a chance to edit this feature film, you've already spent $200,000, own most of New York, downloaded AIM, have murdered a Police officer, and either rap or sell drugs. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? I'm sure as hell not, and I doubt you are either because tax season is coming up soon and most people don't have enough time to bust "fly moves" AND file taxes. So, as a result, I am going to provide you, the viewing audience, a 100% free action movie script! Yes, that's right, I'm saving you hundreds of thousands of dollars and offering up my action packed feature film script for absolutely free! You can thank me later.

"ARBOR DAY"
By Rich "The Ferret" Kyanka

Starring BRUCE WILLIS as "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
Costarring LIV TYLER as "SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS"

SCENE ONE: TOP SECRET CIA HEADQUARTERS
(Enter ARNOLD screenright or possibly screenleft, depending on how the furniture is placed in the room)
CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: "Arnold! You're late! You've done it again! You're a loose cannon! You're fired!"
ARNOLD: "CIA-you in hell, bastard!"
(throws CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER out the window, who explodes shortly thereafter)

CIA GUY: "Wow, you saved us! That wasn't CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER, but was instead a clone with scientifically manufactured DNA which explodes at a predetermined time!"
ARNOLD: "I know."
THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: (Exiting his office) "And here I was in my office the entire time! Good thing you're here, ARNOLD, I've been meaning to tell you that you're late, you've done it again, you're a loose cannon, and you're fired."
ARNOLD: "CIA-you later, creep!"
THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: "You've already used that catch phrase."

SCENE TWO: ARNOLD'S HOME
(Enter ARNOLD from the front door, which should be placed on or near the front of the house)
ARNOLD: "I cannot believe I've been framed for a crime I didn't commit. I wonder where my wife is." (Phone rings) "Hello?"
GUY ON PHONE: "Your wife has been kidnapped by us terrorists who are planning on cloning her DNA and turning her into millions of ticking time bombs of destruction which will blow up the capital and various other famous national landmarks which we will list once we get access to a Rand McNally map."
ARNOLD: (Thinking deeply) "You'll pay for this!"
GUY ON PHONE: "Muuuhaha, I doubt that! What can one man do? We're a terrorist army of thousands!"
ARNOLD: "I'll defeat you and kill you all and get my wife back before you can turn her into a ticking time bomb of destruction!"
GUY ON PHONE:(Talking to people in the background) "Oh shit, we never planned on that!"
(Hangs up)

ARNOLD: (In a very serious tone of voice) "Time to pay the piper! It's Arbor Day."
(Gets into some type of vehicle which has multiple mounted artillery cannons and tinted windows)

SCENE THREE: THE HIGHWAY
(ARNOLD destroys 14 terrorist jeeps, four terrorist trucks, three terrorist helicopters, one municipal building, an ambulance which was carrying an injured terrorist to the ER, and a schoolbus transporting a terrorist's niece)
ARNOLD: "Have a pleasant afternoon."

SCENE FOUR: THE TERRORIST'S HIDEOUT
(If you have a big budget, please make this something cool like an underground magic labyrinth or floating base. If you don't have any cash left, use an abandoned poetry house)
HEAD TERRORIST: "With your DNA, I shall RULE THE WORLD!!!"
SECOND-IN-COMMAND TERRORIST WHO HAS A DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT SKIN COLOR THAN THE MAIN TERRORIST SO WE DON'T GET SUED FOR RACISM: "Look!"
(Points to the human-sized air duct, which suddenly emits smoke)

THIRD-IN-COMMAND TERRORIST WHO IS YET ANOTHER NATIONALITY JUST TO MAKE SURE WE DON'T GET SUED: "Everybody shoot the human-sized air duct! There must be an intruder in there!"
(They all shoot at the air duct)

ARNOLD: (Bursting through the floor panels which he got to by crawling through the human-sized water sewage disposal system. Shoots and kills all the terrorists in the room) "Tree down, one to go."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "Uh, no, you actually just killed them all. There aren't any more terrorists. There were only three left."
ARNOLD: "You don't want to STICK with this BRANCH of terrorism, eh? HA HA."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "Oh, what an Arbor Day!"
(Comedic faint aimed at appealing to the under-12 year old-demographic)

SCENE FIVE: ARNOLD'S HOME
(He and his wife are resting comfortably on the couch. Dick Clark is on television, broadcasting from the world famous National Arbor Day celebration at the capitol)
DICK CLARK: "...and this truly was an Arbor Day to remember."
ARNOLD AND SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS IN UNISON: "You got that right! Ha ha ha ha!"
(Telephone rings)

THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: (On phone) "Hello Arnold? We heard about that great job you did on the multiracial terrorists who were planning on blowing up the world! We'd like to give you your job back and supply you with enough promotions to essentially bestow upon you the ranking of Jesus Christ in this organization."
ARNOLD: "You can take your job and SHOVEL it."
(Hangs up)

ARNOLD AND SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS IN UNISON: "Ha ha ha ha."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "I didn't get that last joke."

THE END; FADE TO BLACK OR POSSIBLY A LIGHTER COLOR IF BLACK CANNOT BE AFFORDED

Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed the exclusive script of "Arbor Day." If you didn't, I really don't care because it's not like I'm charging $100,000 or anything. That's just insane. However, if you'd like to pay me $100,000, I'd be more than willing to accept it.

Cliff Yablonski... Well... Doesn't Like You.

I have spoken with Cliff, and he has decided to keep updating his site, since writing about people he can't stand is a much better alternative than going out and getting arrested for bashing them in the skull with a traffic sign. Here's his post from today:

that ugly peckerhead Richard convinced me to keep updating my page. he said "what else are you going to do with your time?" so I said "kick your scrawny white ass down the street" and I did that for an evening. that night when I was in jail, the cop said that Im going to keep showing up in jail if I keep assaulting people, so I should just stick to writing this site here and watching tv. the cop also said that if he ever sees a picture of his daughter on this site he'll unload a few hollow points into my skull, so if you've got a photo of Captain Hazelford's kid, send it to me ASAP so I can get back at that bastard.

Well, here you go: either check out Cliff's site, or dig right in to today's four pages of people he hates, starting with page 101.

The Turban Speaks!

International pop sensations Semiautomatic Turban have updated with another stellar masterpiece of art, including TWO quasi-new songs entitled "Cow Hard" and "Dune of Hazard." Ah, their music is like... music to my ears.

There is something to be gained from your early trouble. This was what the old crooner learned when he talked the street man. Street man says that He is who told him He was who he was. But He was not of morals as he was a working for Him. And Him was spelled as Hee! The deficit did not last with long order as Hee soon came to realize.

A street man of this this time was expected to be a worthy anniversary. So when a date came a long an acceptanace was considered common ground. This was not a case for the street man since Hee was really using Him in his attribute to decieve him to go to the dance of high elder!

I couldn't have said it better myself! Er, if I knew what I was saying in the first place, that is. Check out the new songs and their "Fan Fun and Games."

Taco Speaks Too... But I Don't Know What He Said.

Once again, there's approximately 50,000 updates on Taco's site, and like normal, I can't tell what any of them are. However, I have to admit, this is absolutely one of the best mp3s I've ever heard. If you're not brave enough to wander through his site, at least download the mp3. You owe it to yourself... and your coworkers.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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