Excuse me, I hope I'm not intruding. My name is Bill Testor, pleased to meet you. Frank, I couldn't help but notice your beautiful wife Cynthia scratching off those instant lottery tickets.
Are those Million Dollar Doublers? A beautiful choice for a beautiful lady. Here, please, use this. No, I insist. It's a simple penny I had pressed with the image of an ear of corn at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, Iowa. I find the edge is better for those twenty dollar tickets where you have a lot of scratching.
Don't forget the bonus coin. Ah, drat. I thought for certain you were going to win the 500 and hit the double.
Why, thank you, I'd love to join you for dinner. I'll have the waiter bring over my appetizer combo platter. No, no, be my guest. My jalapeno poppers are your jalapeno poppers. Have you tried the chipotle ranch dipping sauce here? Within the context it's quite remarkable.
What do you do for a living, Frank? Ah, a business owner. What sort of business?
Doing custom detail body work for Pontiac and Mercury you must have customers all the time. No? Well, I am just sorry as heck to hear that, Frank. Makes me want to upchuck my breaded mushrooms. Maybe I can help you out though.
I hate to bring it up so soon after introducing myself, but it's my weekend with the kids so I need to be home by two. I will get straight to the point. I would like to spend an evening with Cynthia. No, not like we are now, I mean just your wife and me. Just the two of us. Alone for one night. I will never talk to her or you again.
Hold on. Before you answer, I've written my offer on this piece of paper. Have a look and consider it carefully.
No, that's a three. I wish it were, but these are tough times. Obama economy and all. We can't all work in bailed out industries. I do payday loans. 37%, lowest rate in Nevada. I'm willing to negotiate with you. No, not on the money, that's all I have, but we can discuss terms.
Do? I think it's fairly obvious what I had in mind, I-- well now, no need to become hostile. As I said, we can discuss the details. My mistake. I saw you in your matching track suits sitting at the bar scratching lottery tickets and I assumed your reserves of dignity were exhausted. You looked like the sort of couple I could break in half like a popsicle with a couple of twenties, but now that I know your marriage is ironclad we can move on from there.
What are your feelings on hugging? Nude hugging. Standing of course. We could put a towel between our bodies. Yes, like a slice of bologna between our sandwich. Very nice, I like that, Cynthia. Get creative. Of course, I would like to video everything. Out of the question? What would you say to audio recording? Audio only. I have a mini tape recorder I can bring in with us.
Cynthia, what would you think about me licking the palms of my hands and covering your face with them, not so you couldn't breathe, just so your whole face was covered up, and just standing like that in silence for a little while. I don't know, ten minutes at the most. We can do five if you'd be more comfortable. Hey, I'm not here to explain why I want certain things. I can do that free of charge with my ex-wife.
After that I would like to be able to see your butt. No, no, nothing gross like that. Just, from a distance. Five or ten feet. Just let me look at it. Well-lit, but-- okay, alright, how about we take a swivel neck lamp and turn it about 45 degrees away from your butt, so your butt is in the reflected light from the wall, but not the direct light.
Can you fake a Spanish accent? No, that's not good enough. What about Italian? Russian? Let me hear that. Not bad, not bad. I can work with that. I want you to refer to me only as James Bond in that accent and when I enter the hotel room-- yeah, I'm already staying at Circus Circus. When I walk in I want you to act like we know each other and we've been engaged in a spy game for years, always one of us a step ahead of the other, and over that time of hunting one another we've developed a sort of sexual relationship that--
No, no, I just mean sexual in nature, I still only mean the hugging with the towel between us and the looking at Cynthia's butt.
After that we can... here comes the waiter. Yeah, I'd like my check and you can just put the fajitas in a doggie bag for me. Could I possibly get a refill on my iced tea, but in a to-go cup? Ah, you're a saint. Thank you, Hugo.
Sorry, I was just going to say after the hugging and the butt we can just hang out for a few hours and talk. Like I said I need to be out of here by two. We have a deal, Frank? Cynthia? No, I did not mean to imply I was paying for dinner or drinks. That's okay.
Half of the money is in this film can. Fifteen dollars. Count it if you need to. You'll receive the second fifteen when we are done.
Cynthia, I'll see you in an hour, room 913. It's next to the door that says Emergency Stair Access, but the light sometimes goes out on that part of the hall so watch your step, the carpet rolls if you drag your feet.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.