Vol. 24, Issue 3
Welcome aboard Team MC Skat Kat! Should your 80-dollar check clear our rigorous screening processes, the likeness of animated singing sensation MC Skat Kat will soon be yours to use within the limitations expressed by Skat Kat Licensing, LLC. Perhaps you'll plaster this popular '80s icon on the walls of your family-owned roller skating rink, use his urban flair to add some pizzazz to your Veteran's Day float, or cast awkwardly shaped novelty soaps in his image. Whatever the case, at your fingertips now rests the ability to significantly transform your business and personal life with a serious dose of balls-to-the-wall catitude*. We only ask you outfit MC with the proper safety gear should you depict him riding a recreational vehicle or horse.
*Misspelled "attitude" in Vol. 24, Issue 2.
Our favorite MC made an appearance on the June 15, 2013 episode of Jeopardy!, but not as a special guest. In the "Cultural Detritus" category, host Alex Trebek posited "In 1989, This cartoon animal sang about his magnetic love affair with Paula Abdul." Even with the promise of 500 dollars, not one contestant could come up with an answer, leaving Alex Trebek to remark, "Hands up if you remember that nonsense," when confronted the solution. This marks the first mention of MC Skat Kat in the national media since Michael Ian Black's venomous comments on an episode of 2006's I Still Love the '80s Returns 3D, and we couldn't be happier.
While Derrick Stevens, the voice of MC Skat Kat, has a schedule that's prevented him regularly corresponding since 1994, we're happy to transcribe his quarterly voice mails of support to MC's fans.
"Hey& Greg? Craig maybe? This is Derrick, and& it's the 14th, right? Hope that's not too late. Uh, so, I wanted to thank the supporters of MC Skat Kat for -- hold on a sec. Yeah, get me a Big Mac, no pickles, large fry, and do you have Pepsi One? No, Diet Coke is fine. Medium. Did you hear that thing about the pickles? Pickles. No pickles. I said 'no pickles.' Okay, thank you. So yeah, lots of exciting stuff happening with Skat this year, and -- what's this guy doing? Pull ahead! Right, before I hit this first window I just wanted to say peace out from MC Kat Skat, and let's all remember we need to protect our concealed carry laws from activist judges."
We couldn't have said it better ourselves, Derrick!
As 2013 reaches its halfway point, the magical year of 2014 promises to be a special one for our flat-topped feline. With the 25th anniversary of "Opposites Attract" upon us, MC Skat Kat will soon reach a new level of relevancy from the constant celebrations of his quarter-century as an innovator and artist. While 2009 didn't give MC the respect he deserved, we are in talks with Paula Abdul herself to publicly acknowledge her participation in this piece of musical history, ending nearly two decades of silence, and opening the door for documentaries, think pieces, and doctoral dissertations all in the honor of the great MCSK. If the Arts section of your local newspaper isn't recognizing the upcoming MC Skat Kat Renaissance, write a strongly worded letter to the editor. Last year, this method got the MC into three different syndicated crossword puzzles.
While searching the Hudson River in search of a murdered family, NYPD Police found something much more horrifying: a crate containing 8000 copies of The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob, the sole album dedicated to the life and philosophy of MCSK. While this amazing collection of songs typically fetches just around a dollar on the resale market, we're happy to report this decreased rarity has not affected the resale value of MC's seminal album, as the additional copies will be sent to our fighting men and women in Afghanistan as part of the annual Claws for Celebration charity event.
In roughly two weeks, you should hear a knock on your door between 3:00 and 4:00 A.M. Answer the door, say nothing, and accept the suitcase you are handed. Do not tell the police or family members. Do not open the suitcase under any circumstances. Do not act until told otherwise. And if you receive a call from the NAACP, you've never heard this "blackface" word ever before in your life, and if you did, it certainly wouldn't apply to the cartoon cat who still ranks higher than Heathcliff in most national polls held prior to 1992.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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