It is initiative that separates us from those foul smelling beasts loitering in the local zoos where they subsist on free and unjustly earned room and board. As humans, we have the power to think of things like a toddler being shot out of a cannon, and then turn those things into a screaming, flying reality. For nearly twenty-two years now I have survived on a steady diet of TV fed to me by other people. These people, like those fat cats down at the zoo, do not have my best interests in mind. They care only for proprietary pursuits, such as hurling their fecal products at me – figuratively and literally – turning me into a zombie in desperate need of a bath. This is where my own personal friendship with initiative comes into play. Out is a relationship preserved only through the strong but flawed chains of Stockholm Syndrome, in is personal freedom through table rotation! I'm turning the tables and saying goodbye to the static breath of other people's TV by plugging my brain directly into the broadcast spectrum. Now don't mistake my words for rocks, because if I really plugged my brain into anything it would probably result in either serious brain damage or a specific area of my brain going haywire and altering my behavior. For example, I might short circuit the part of my brain that regulates love, rendering me unable to truly appreciate the wonder that is an Ewok tree festival. I really mean that I'm going to become a master of the beast, much like the Beastmaster, a man known for mastering beasts.
My plan is to launch an exciting new television network designed to captivate you in a way nothing else can captivate you, save for maybe a lap dancer or a climatologist being mauled by a tiger. This network will be known as Explosion TV, and if that's not incendiary-sounding enough, it will be an explosion of explosive content that will reduce your home to a crater and your life to ashes. Right now you're probably thinking, "Oh, God – Allah – this sounds like another one of Josh's stupid pipedreams and a poorly veiled vehicle for another shitty update!" But you, YES YOU, are dead wrong. To prove my seriousness, allow me to wow you with this piece of irrefutable proof of seriousness: a mission statement!
Explosion TV is a for-profit television network aimed at exploding in your face with explosive original programming targeted at explosive demographics. Explosion, explosion, EXPLOSION!!!!!!
After my business department cranked that beauty out, I knew it was time to give them a raise. And so I did. Thankfully Explosion TV is a small organization, so I am the business department. Now it's only a matter of time and the drunken recklessness of a group of swashbuckling venture capitalists to make this a reality. To take things to another level, I'm adding yet another card to the already card-saturated table. Get ready for Boom-Boom, Explosion TV's mascot!
This firecracker of a mascot likes gasoline, gunpowder, napalm, and ratings. He hates Libertarians, carnies, stem cell research, and beatnik poets that are really the children of yuppies. He's going to rocket our network to new heights with hilarious promotional spots designed to raise controversy by alleging that the other network TV mascots are sexual deviants.
Early next year, from out of Explosion TV's secret moon base located in the mountains of Northwest Indiana, an infant broadcast signal will be born. It will grow up on your TV sets, nurtured by your attention and commercials for hard liquor and phone sex. Before long, Explosion TV will become a man by spending time with the Nielsen Family's daughter. I know none of this will happen overnight, but that's where planning and hard work come in. What follows are my plans for Explosion TV's lineup of original programming and classic shows!
Let's face it; no network is complete without a healthy block of "Golden Girls" reruns. The whimsical adventures of Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia are forever engrained in our hearts, much like hate was engrained in the soul of Adolf Hitler. Whether it was raging libidos or the need for adult diapers, "Golden Girls" explored real issues nobody wanted to know about with a lot of heart and enough wrinkles to give the human brain a run for its money.
Tony Little Infomercials
Who doesn't love getting in shape? More importantly, who doesn't love the leading kingpin of physical fitness, the powerhouse hermaphrodite Tony Little? With his muscle building Gazelle™ exercise system, Tony will inspire you to tear that fat from your body and burn it as a sacrifice to his dark lord Satan. Don't try to argue with me that this isn't a classic show, because I'm being paid too much to even give you the time of day. This is quality programming and if you don't think so, look Tony Little in the eyes and tell him what you think. Can you stand up to him? Can you?
Anthony Robbins Infomercials
While Tony Little conquers the body, Anthony Robbins conquers the mind. His memorable series of infomercials advertising the Anthony Robbins self empowerment tapes and seminars will have you smiling from beginning to end, because for the first time in your life, you will know that you can succeed. All it will take is a simple cassette tape you can listen to anywhere and anytime, even when you're shitting up last night's Taco Bell and crying about being dumped by that beautiful wolf that truly understood your sensitive needs you instant message on AIM all the time.
Anthony Robbins/Tony Little Symbiotic Self-Improvement Infomercials
What happens when Tony Little and Anthony Robbins come together to inspire each other? A lot of yelling, sweating, and fast body movements! Watch these two battle it out in a war of motivation, but don't be surprised if you get caught in the crossfire becoming a causality of inspiration! From the moment you first see a hunched over Anthony Robbins yelling, "More! You can give me more!" at the shirtless and sweaty Tony Little, to their tender romantic embrace at the end, you will believe in the miracle of you. You can give more. To yourself, to your family, and to the world, you can do it!
Before Explosion TV. "Cabbage Farm"
"Cabbage Farm," the brilliant comedy-drama about the human condition, is going to a paramount part of Explosion TV. With a full 22 episode season ordered, you can look forward to a baker's dozen of laughs thanks in part to series creator and writer Tom "Moof" Davies. By the end the season, cabbage will be the staple of your diet and farming will be your primary vocation and avocation.
"The Grandpa Debates"
In this exciting new chapter in youth-elder relations, I will attempt to engage my grandpa in debates on various issues, from gun control to religion. In one typical episode, I will try to argue that gun control is necessary, whereas my grandpa will counter with the argument that the universe is "intelligized energy" and that god is "the totality of the universe." Failing to agree on the issue we are even arguing, we will then agree that current gas prices are outrageous. At this point he will offer me some fruit he purchased from the back of a rusty pickup truck at a local flea market. I will decline. He will then comment that there sure are a lot of pretty young girls on the TV nowadays. I will leave.
Wanting to capitalize on the medium of debate shows, Explosion TV is proud to present "The Viewpointers," a show that isn't afraid to tackle the serious issues of the day. In the first episode, our expert panel debates on Spock's penis. As a Jew, actor Leonard Nimoy is undoubtedly circumcised. But as a Vulcan, circumcision becomes a questionable issue. Therefore, did Leonard Nimoy, in addition to having to wear pointy prosthesis on his ears, have to wear an artificial foreskin? Such topics of the day will be dissected with poise and intelligence. Subsequent topics include "car insurance: the black man's manifest destiny" and "are Eskimos really people?"
"Hidden Camera: Women Falling Down Stairs"After Explosion TV. "Reid Paskiewicz: Minority Hunter"
Reality TV is the new phase in television's life, and you can bet your vital organs coated in gravy that Explosion TV isn't turning a blind eye to this exciting new format. We'll be taking viewers for a ride – a ride down the stairs! Watch what happens when ordinary, unsuspecting women go tumbling down flights of stairs, reverse-climbing their way to fame and fortune. In the season finale, all the videos will be judged and the winning woman will be awarded a year's worth of high-powered household cleaning agents as well as a brand new mop.
I'm a big fan of the work of lazy weekend writer Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz, and I can't resist the opportunity of showcasing his talents in an exciting original series. Each episode, Reid will explore the world of minorities by visiting them in their own habitats and giving viewers insights into their fascinating behavior and rituals. Reid will even get up close and personal, tagging and cataloging exceptional minorities so that viewers can be kept up to date with their strange and amazing lives. "Methuselah!" the redheaded Reid will scream as he wraps his arms around an elderly Asian woman and wrestles her to the ground. "This one's feisty as the dickens!" He'll then tag her ear and release her back into the wilds unharmed but endeared in the hearts of viewers everywhere. People will jump at the chance to see minorities demystified by a true frontiersmen of modern times, making "Reid Paskiewicz: Minority Hunter" a guaranteed hit.
"The Antique Roundup"
Fans of more delicate pursuits will undoubtedly fall in love with "The Antique Roundup," a classy show where ordinary people bring fourth their prized antiques, from precious family heirlooms to rare artifacts of days long gone. A cast of trained appraisers will look at the antiques, discussing their history, their value, and their relevance to the owner. After that, they will immediately smash the antique in a creative and shocking way while laughing demonically in the face of the horrified owner.
"The Sheriff John Bunnell Show"
Sheriff John Bunnell is a worldwide sensation thanks to his raving car chase commentary popularized on various car chase shows. But what happens when John Bunnell follows in the footsteps of psychotic, vengeance-crazed TV personality John Walsh and becomes host of his own daytime talk show? The answer is a lot of heart and an awful lot of advice. What will Sheriff John Bunnell do when confronted by reckless housewives leading dangerous double lives with other men? Or youngsters careening out of control, putting their lives on the line in a vicious cycle of overeating and avoiding exercise? Or scandalous daughters dressing too sexy, taking eyes on a thrill-crazed joyride around the curves of their tender skin? Sheriff John Bunnell isn't afraid to dish out solid advice, especially to adrenaline-fueled people teetering on the line between law-abiding citizen and crime-crazed lunatic.
I think that when all is said and done, Explosion TV will be a phenomenon not unlike Hitler's rise to power and subsequent stranglehold on Europe. However, instead of killing undesirables and building a Fourth Reich, we will aim for the less ambitious goal of entertaining people. The wheels of industry are in motion, my friends! Just wait until you hear that boom expand through the air like a universe of sound, because that's when you will know that Explosion TV is on the air. Tune in and see what the authorities are talking about!
Chickens and Video Games Don't Mix
Hey there folks, Taylor "Power Dunk" Bell here with a brand new review of a rom you should probably avoid if you don't want to be overtaken by a powerful compulsion to convince your brain that deliberation should begin in order to decide if you are indeed certain that you just might want to make yourself die!
You know how some games have really bizarre music themes that don’t fit the game at all? The first time I played Marvel vs Capcom 2 in the arcade and heard the phrase “I’m gonna take you for a ride” twelve times while picking my team, followed by some annoyingly upbeat light synthesized jazz, I took a moment to wonder who the hell thought the game really needed music that you could hear by dropping acid and sitting in a dentist’s office. Naturally my 12-year-old asian opponent took advantage of this moment to obliterate my entire team with a 400-hit Hyper Assist Team-Up Twisting Double Reverse Behind-the-back Extra Creamy Super Combo, but at least I learned a valuable lesson about companies choosing completely random music themes for their games. I forget what it was.
Read read read the full review! Otherwise Alfred will get sad and then the armies of wind-up rats will steal all our eggs.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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