Scranton [FemBook]- Dropping the Baby isn't just an example of negligent parenting which is punishable by law- it's also the title of a new inspirational book by superstar actress Angelina Jolie. "Dropping the Baby is just a metaphor for life's foibles I'm sure that all women can identify with," says Jolie. "From breaking up with the world's sexiest men, to forgetting to change the chlorine in your indoor waterfall, to dropping the baby- We've all dropped the baby at one point or another! Am I right, ladies?" Since Dropping the Baby was added to Oprah's Book Club, pre-orders of the sale have been phenomenal. Jolie says, "After the tremendous response to Dropping the Baby, I've decided to close my money printing factory because it's just too much work. But we've all been there."
Ladies, how many times has this happened to you? You're in the country of Africa, holding AIDS babies, when you realize the most horrifying thing imaginable- you're out of tampons! Yikes! Sometimes, a girl starts to worry; other times a girl has one of her handlers helicoptered out to the nearest Safeway. Crisis averted, girlfriends! And looking at all of those little brown and hungry faces gets me thinking about one thing- chocolate ice cream! It's like, "Sorry, refugees, TTYL, I'm spending quality time with a very important guest: comfort food!" You know what I would give to be as skinny as one of these "ref-cuties?" My ex-husband! Yikes! Let's hope he never hears it- this is just between us ladies... And Billy Bob Thornton's tiny penis! You go girls!
My New Year's Resolutions
1. Wear a really big vial of my lover's blood around my neck as a show of devotion- I'm talking really big like those barrels Saint Bernards wear around their necks in Bugs Bunny cartoons
2. Adopt new baby, name her Sequestra
3. Play a retarded character or Lara Croft.
"Buh- GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" - Oprah Winfrey
"I never knew that I had so much in common with Angelina Jolie. For example, we are both women." - Sally Meyers, Woman
"This book is evidence of the shallow values of American culture. Also, I enjoyed the brownie recipies." - Camille Paglia
New York [CNN.com]- Why not?
Haha yes! This is Banksy, famous UK graffiti artist, and I broke into the printing plant and replaced all the books with my own text! Yes! You DID NOT see this coming! I'm here to deliver a message: Paris Hilton is famous because she's rich! I am opening your eyes to the these hidden truths my people! Yes!
Here's my drawing of what her tits would probably look like! Paris Hilton is a whore! Paris Hilton is a whore! Paris Hilton is a whore! Paris Hilton is a whore! Paris Hilton is a whore! Whore Whore Whore Whore Whore Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck I love being a soldier for truth! All she does are cheap publicity stunts! I hate people who do that just to get their name in the paper! Haha! Yes!
"Four stars" - dakotaboy73, Amazon.com
"Yes! I've snuck into the newspaper office. This is Banksy! I am king of media! Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck Fuck Fuck" - The LA Times
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.