Well folks, the day I've been predicting for years is here. No, not the day when high energy prop comic Carrot Top regains his title as the "World's Most Gifted Comedian," I'm talking about the day when the entire human race should begin cowering under their collective beds. Yes, the moment when the robots have begun to take over the world.
Sony, Honda prep people-like robots - Sony has developed a 19 inch high robot, codenamed SDR-3X, capable of walking on two legs, kicking a ball and a few other nifty tricks. Meanwhile, Honda has unveiled a four foot tall bipedal robot that can even shake hands with people.
GRAB YOUR PISTOLS AND VARIOUS FIREARMS GENTS, this is gonna be a rough one. Yes, modern science and technology, which wasn't content by merely creating scented crayons and pills that reduce the effects of asthma (WARNING: side effects may include dizziness, vomiting, persistent cough, minor blindness, hallucinations, temporary insanity, loss of feeling in pelvic region, lightheadedness, weakness in metacarpals, inability to convert military time to standard time, feelings of inadequacy, the tendency to ask for paper when you really wanted plastic bagging at the grocery store, minor life loss, or attraction to cacti) has moved on to building human-like robots which have a wide range of invaluable abilities including:
As I predicted long ago (or possibly never), the first victims of this impending robot revolution will be the soccer players and politicians. Think about it; a gigantic, handshaking machine that never fatigues or tires of shaking its constituates' hands. It can go all day without wearing out or taking a break to have sexual intercourse with various campaign workers. Sharpshooters will have a field day; they can unload clip after clip of sniper shells into the robot's metallic skull without the fear of being arrested because SHOOTING A ROBOT ISN'T ILLEGAL (except in predominantly liberal states). Plus, if Congressman ZX-109 breaks, all Honda has to do is make another one... one that will hopefully pass stricter laws on hunting rifles.
I do fear for the UK though, because their biggest industry there is football ("soccer") and history ("dirty old buildings that college teachers take photos of"), so the robots won't have any difficulty taking over their professional football leagues. Once Sony has created enough members to form the Swindon SDR-3Xs, the entire league will fall apart because UK football consists of three things:
1 - Pregame drinking,
2 - Kicking anything that's near you (ie: the ball, enemy players, referees, confused teammates, coaches, hostile fans, unseen entities, etc) until the clock goes down to 0:00,
3 - Postgame show which includes tearing down the stadium, lighting fires, and breaking things.
Since Sony built the robot strictly for kicking, I'm sure it will succeed in category two. The SDR-3Xs won't have any trouble holding their liquor, because robots can't get drunk! It's technically impossible! Sure, maybe Johnny-5 could get loaded, but I think he's the exception to the rule. Johnny-5 could do anything. And do I even need to bother addressing category three, the postgame show? Robots are notorious for destroying things. Ask Tom Selleck, star of the 1984 blockbuster sci-fi film, "Runaway," which pitted him against a marauding army of evil robot grasshopper things that chased him to the top of buildings so he could remind the entire audience that he was afraid of being on top of buildings. "Runaway" was an excellent movie, not only because it's one of the first films to be directed by Michael Crichton and star all the members of KISS (without their makeup); this was a blockbuster megahit because it proved to the world how truly dangerous robots could be. Take a quick look at some of the dialogue I was able to recall from the time I last saw this film in 1985:
POLICE CHIEF WHATSHISNAME: "Tom Selleck, we're putting you on the Runaway squad where you will be in charge of capturing renegade robots. I'm doing this because you're afraid of heights, and as everybody knows, robots rarely hang out on the top of mountains or in airplanes."TOM SELLECK: "I sure hope none of those robots cause me to ride to the top of a tall building that's under construction."(87 MINUTES LATER)TOM SELLECK: (riding towards the top of a tall building that's under construction) "Goddamn robots."
OTIS NIXON: (cheering) "You can do it, Tom!"
(UPDATE: I have been told that Otis Nixon was not featured in "Runaway", but I have my doubts in the source who revealed this)
This, of course, might not be the best example, mainly because I have difficulty recalling what I had for breakfast this morning, much less dialogue from movies I viewed over 15 years ago. However, it does reinforce the notion that robots may appear to be innocent and trustworthy when they're shaking hands with you or inciting football riots, but sometimes there's a darker side to the robot coin. A side that doesn't contain the face of a dead American president or a Bald Eagle or some old building, but instead a side that has the face of DEATH. The face of the SDR-3X, laughing in simulated joy as it crushes the head of a newborn kitten. First it's the football players and the politicians, but next it could be the pastry chefs and guys that bundle the asparagus at the store. Then, before you know it, all of humanity is cowering in fear on the top of a building that's under construction. The building of REGRET.
It's Tuesday (or Wednesday or Saturday or whatever the hell it is), so you know what that means: another exciting episode of everybody's favorite weekly column that is anything but weekly, "Ask Jeff K."!
From: Joe O' Brien
Subject: Quake 3
Do you have any demos of yourself playing Quake 3? I'd really like to watch them and try to pick up some tips. Plus, it would be cool to see you kick some guys ass. I bet you could beat Thresh.
I haev beatan Thrash maney tiems but I dont record demos becuase Jerry says if yuo records demos and teh person yuore playing against has a computar virus, yuo gets teh virus when yuo play teh demo! AND IVE read Firing Squid before and thoes guys arant too computar smarats liek me so God only knows what horiabal crap viruses they haev on there computars machenes!!! Probably a lot becuase they dont know how to install Norton Antivirus on MS Telnet liek ME!!!
anyway THrash si not vary good at all!!! When he gots teh big moneys from running GAMMERS.COM he losts his touch and now is not teh ASIAN SENSATIAN he once was! now he is fat and his fingars are too big too beat teh keys. I palayed him in QUaek 2 a few days ago and he played undar teh name "=>CAPTAIN BEEF(WKA)
Check it out and bathe in the noxious fumes that define Jeff K.
America's favorite artist (which is odd because he's not an American) Bjørnar B. has updated his site with two new drawings. Take a look and don't forget to email him with possible ideas for his next artistic masterpiece!
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Tomorrow's tech headlines you never want to see, before you have to see them.
Denzel is here to set the movie scales back to zero. That's what an equalizer does, right?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.