Hit the Decks... and Each Other
Well what a week! The 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled again Napster, NASA has landed a ship on an asteroid, and Congress is investigating to see if Bill Clinton stole enough gifts from the White House to cancel the local orphanage's next Christmas. However, none of this boring crap is important because... drumroll please... IT'S RAINING IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!
Now while this may not seem like a major event to all you people not living in California and instead opting to reside in a normal state, one where "network television" doesn't mean "15 straight hours of hostage negotiations at the local Arby's drive-through," this is really big news. The amount of times it rains per year in Southern California can be easily counted on two hands, even less if you've been drinking particularly heavy. This lack of rainfall has pretty much spoiled the residents of Southern California and turned them into real weather snobs, constantly expecting every day to be sunny and 76 degrees, and for the most part, the weather conforms their expectations. I think it's a severe case of atmospheric peer pressure, one that Fred Savage and all the ABC "After School Specials" in the world can't cure.
However, there are a few days when the weather system looks down at Southern California and thinks to herself (I believe weather systems are female, as I have never ever seen a cloud with a giant floating penis), "you know, is it really worth it? Day in and day out I constantly provide these spoiled bastards with sunlight, only to have them wear sunhats and tan in medically-sealed booths. I provide them with warmth, just so they can complain about how it's one degree too hot or one degree too cold. Screw these bastards, let's see a little rain." Then all hell breaks loose and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse come out of the local coffee shop to begin the destruction.
If you don't live in California, rain may not seem like that big of a deal. I lived in Missouri for 18 consecutive years and on the rare occasions when it actually failed to rain for a day, the humidity was always at least 450%, the equivalent of jumping into a hot tub for six hours. There was so much humidity floating around in the air that you could bottle and sell it as that trendy new "spring water", assuming people suddenly become interested in drinking water that tastes like a Jiffy Lube enema. Southern California is completely different in this aspect. When it rains, it's a major spectacle and people really care, as evident on the nightly news:
With news reports like this, it's really no wonder why the citizens of Southern California panic and go insane when a little water starts falling from the sky.
What is it? It's BETTER, That's What!
Jeff K. has put the finishing touches on two brand spankin' new strips for his wonderful comic entitled, "THIS COMIC SI BETTAR THAN PENNEY ARACADE!!!" When I asked him what exactly the comic was about, he just replied with "IT'S BETTAR THAN PENNEY ARCRADE" and logged off. I'm not sure if this strip counts for his "commulity service" requirement, but hey, here it is.
Good lord, I knew about 50 people who owned that game, and not a single one liked it. I wonder how it got so popular in the first place. Perhaps you should read the review and try to figure it out for yourself.
In a Something Awful exclusive, we reveal the true state of Darren Wilson after his harrowing encounter with Michael Brown.
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
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