Your News at a Glance

Immigrant Sues Alabama Over English-Only Driver's Test - Another intensely stupid lawsuit? You betcha!

The U.S. Supreme Court hears arguments Tuesday in a lawsuit filed by a Mexican immigrant who alleges Alabama violated the 1964 Civil Rights Act by giving driver's license tests in only one language: English.

I personally agree with this outlook and think that America is acting very racist and discriminatory by only offering the driving test in English. If I were to fathom a conservative estimate, I would guess there's at least nine different immigrant nationalities currently living in the US, even more if you count the people waiting in line at the local In and Out Burger. It's quite racist to assume that all people living in America speak English, and as a result, I believe all driving tests and traffic signs should be translated to every known language in the universe including Klingon and that one which involves clicking your tongue a lot. This will result in the following outcomes which will undoubtedly be beneficial to everybody involved (unless of course you actually live in or travel to America):

1) Stop signs will grow to become 500 x 500 feet in order to accommodate every single translation of the word "STOP". Since they will invariably start blocking out nearby stores, these shops will have to be rebuilt to 100 times their normal size so people can see them behind the large signs.

Winners in this situation: The metal, brick, and construction industries. Losers in this situation: Really short people, because they'll feel even shorter when entering a 7-11 with a door the size of a pregnant sperm whale. They'll probably feel even less appealing to women and will start doing narcotics, so I guess I could list the "drug industry" as a possible winner too. I'm not going to though, because I'm lazy and don't want to hit the up arrow key three times in rapid succession.

2) Stop signs will stay the same size, but the font on the word "STOP" will be reduced to 4-point Arial so the sign may hold every possible translation of the word. Signs will have to be memorized by their respective color; "stop" will be red, "yield" will be yellow, and "Now Entering Alabama" will be essentially clear due to all the bullet holes through it.

Winners in this situation: The eyeglass industry and the Type Setters Union of America. Losers in this situation: People who currently aren't Superman and can't read really tiny print while driving a SUV at Mach-4 type speeds. A recent survey has shown that up to 97% of the American public is in fact NOT Superman, so this could have wide-reaching effects. One of them might even involve the NASDAQ.

So, as you can see, it's the world's God-given right to have American streetsigns translated to every language known to mankind and many theoretical languages which are currently being invented. It's even your American right as a native non-American.

Confederate Flag Casts Shadow of Doubt Over King Day - Those wacky southern gents are at it again, defending the Confederate flag from the evil people who don't like to be reminded of what the South stood for back in the Civil War: bloated, armed white guys with sideburns the size of yak legs.

South Carolina for the first time recognized Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday as a state holiday on Monday, but the divisive question of what to do with the Confederate battle flag flying on state grounds loomed above the ceremonies.

To sum up the argument revolving around the Confederate flag, there are currently two warring factions at odds with each other: the group of people who like the Confederate flag and the group of people who DON'T like the Confederate flag.These groups will not reach a compromise and will not settle until their complete demands have been met, which range from either having the flag stay up to having the flag NOT stay up. Negotiators have been called in and offered the following solutions, but neither side has agreed with them:

Solution 1: Cut the flag in half, making one side the Confederate logo and the other a big red arrow pointing to the Confederate side with the words "THEY SUCK" written above it in marker.

Solution 2: Keep the entire Confederate flag design but begin manufacturing them from cancer-causing fibers that spontaneously combust into a cloud of poison gas after six days.

Solution 3: Replace every single Confederate flag with a large flat-screen television that shows continuous, looping ads for Cherry Mash bars and beef jerky.

As imagined, none of these solutions panned out properly, and as a result, South Carolina is currently stuck in a stalemate (that is a chess term which is declared when your opponent picks up your Queen piece and shoves it into his mouth before fleeing from the room in a maniacal frenzy). However, I have a solution which will easily benefit all parties involved, as well as take advantage of an American tradition. It's simple: REVISIONIST HISTORY.

Remember when all the self-professed "historians" stepped out of the woodwork in the late 1980's and claimed absolutely insane things like George Washington was really a Hispanic female in drag and Christopher Columbus was a wife-swapping opium junkie who sold his Nina, Pinta, and Santa Monica series of adventure boats for two dollars cash and a pack of cigarettes? If the government employs these history revisionists to create a "new" Confederate history, one with an embarrassingly stupid looking flag, the southern gents will have no problem at all with taking down their flags. All they have to do is write some bogus research papers, hold a few press conferences, and bam, problem solved. Just to make South Carolina's problems easier, I have developed a few potential ideas for Confederate flags. If your state chooses to use them, I expect my site's URL to be printed on the bottom of every single flag.

Option #1: "Penis County" flag. Note the "flaming pink" background color which suggests blatant homosexuality, inferring that perhaps the Confederate-obsessed flag nutballs are having sex with their sister just to cover up their homosexuality.
Option #2: "Otis Nixon Profile Shot" flag. Otis Nixon, one of the most horrendously ugly men in baseball, would make sure not a single Confederate flag is ever sold. Ever.

Nintendo Controls What Words You Can Write and Use - Apparently not happy with only pulling in $67 billion a day from sales of Charmander nativity scenes and Pikachu feminine anti-itch products, Nintendo has publicly declared that nobody can use or write the word "Pokemon" except them.

We represent Nintendo of America Inc. ("Nintendo"), the owner of the trademark(s) and/or copyrighted works listed above (the "Nintendo trademark(s)/works"). It has come to our client's attention recently that you are using the Nintendo trademark(s)/works in the hidden text/visible text/Meta tags and/or title of the above-referenced sexually explicit Web site. This use is unauthorized, and we are writing to demand that you immediately cease and desist this infringement of Nintendo's intellectual property rights."

This might be a valid concern if there weren't two minor points to consider here:

1) Crackerjap doesn't have any porn. 2) They didn't even have the word "Pokemon" in any of their active webpages.

It's understandable how Nintendo would want to protect their intellectual property, as Pokemon merchandise is the number one export for many third-world countries which list "traffic cones" among their national assets, but this is just ridiculous. Does a relatively small site like Crackerjap pose such a threat to a gigantic, transglobal corporation like Nintendo that they must harass them for petty, bogus, false things? Nintendo actually had Crackerjap's entire server shut down and all files locked out for these supposed infractions of their trademarked word. What kind of brave new world are we entering in to when humongous companies like Nintendo can shut down personal sites and silence speech with absolutely no type of proof or procedure? Look soon for the day when 12-year olds are sentenced to the Gulag because they claimed Oddish "sucks."

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.