When the topic of the space program comes up, a chorus of timeless questions repeat themselves. "Durr what are the practical applications of exploration, one of the few qualities that sets us apart from animals?" "How come we don't spend all of that money on Earth problems such as my severe short-sightedness?"
Learning everything we can about the universe around us is quite possibly the greatest goal humanity could have. If not, it's certainly in the top three, right up there with discovering immortality and a theatrical release of The Day The Clown Cried.
If the average person couldn't get their hands on a single short-term benefit from the space program it would still be worth every cent, but as it so happens there are plenty of everyday items that owe their existence to our (hopefully) unending quest for knowledge.
Wheels are all over the damn place. Look at your car. Unless you're European, it will have a wheel for you to hold on to while you drive. Wheels also make rollerblades possible, and play a minor part in the game show Wheel Of Fortune.
Most importantly, if it weren't for wheels, we wouldn't be able to rely on the dumbwaiter as much as we do in this hectic modern life.
So thanks, space program, for the wheel.
It's hard to imagine life without space shuttles, but not too long ago there were none to be found.
Thankfully, the space race came along. After years of research and experimentation, we went to outer space and eventually the moon, where we discovered an ancient alien artifact that showed us how to build a space shuttle.
Without the space program, famous astronauts like Buzz Aldrin would simply never have been born.
If you're a cold-hearted opponent of science and exploration that might not sound like a big deal, but take a moment to consider the butterfly effect. Without Buzz Aldrin, there would be no Fly Me To The Moon, and cinema would not have a computer animated film about flies going to the moon.
Cures For Diseases
Thanks to the unique research environment that zero gravity provides, we have been able to cure a number of diseases. Space Herpes, Space Pox and Space Plague have been almost entirely eradicated, and scientists are hopeful that all space-born illnesses will be wiped out within a thousand years.
Anti-Grav Deep Fryers
Before space exploration, deep fryers were extremely dangerous devices. Vats of scalding hot oil just sitting there in your kitchen, ready to tip over the counter at the slightest provocation, melting flesh to the bone? Yikes.
Life is so much better with anti-grav deep fryers. Sure, they're still full of oil (now hotter than ever!) and totally lidless, but now they're not restrained to one room. Maybe your anti-grav fryer is floating over your bed, or perhaps it drifted down to just above your eye level in the entrance to that dark bathroom.
10.6 Spacefield Surround Speakers
Space, as you hopefully know, is a vacuum. By harnessing the unique properties of this environment, the 10.6 Spacefield Surround Speakers surround all 10.6 speakers in miniature space fields, silencing all sound before it can emerge.
Home theaters have never looked so opulent or sounded so quiet, and it's all thanks to the space program.
Case closed. As a wise man once said, "Give me Quibnort or give me Snelfrickt."
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.