Terran

Your standard human grunt, the marine comes equipped with power armor, a gauss rifle, and ridiculous in-helmet cigar that never seems to decrease in size or fall out of the marine's mouth and spill scratchy galactic tobacco all over his suit.

Strategy:

Just keep building these guys and sending them to the enemy in a single-file line, hoping that no one makes you think or react.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

Although they have badass long-range rifles and cloaking technology, Ghosts are still bummed about Blizzard canceling that game. That's right, WarCraft Adventures.

Strategy:

Begin typing a reply to the person you're playing against, then hit backspace when you think of something more clever, then enter a string of nonsense when you realize your base is under attack and oh god why aren't your guys doing things when you hit the keys?!?

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

A walking machine that transforms into an aircraft. That totally reminds me of something. Some kind of transforming... ah! That's it! A couch that turns into a bed!

Strategy:

In 2v2 matches, freak out every time you see an ally unit, then remember he's on your side.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

Although he has an enormous suit of armor and quad-missile launcher, the Marauder will never have what he truly wants: Larger armor and a quintuple-missile launcher.

Strategy:

Instead of telling the Marauder to simply go somewhere halfway across the map, micromanage his every step, clicking in slightly different places as quickly as possible to increase your clicks-per-second.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

Hopping from one target to the next with jetpacks, the Reaper is always on the run from the fact that he's really just an Assault Marine.

Strategy:

Spend a significant amount of time admiring the animated unit portraits and reading descriptions to remind yourself what everything actually does.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

The workhorse of the Terran army. In addition to gathering resources and building structures, the SCV can repair other units, so long as the damage can be fixed with rigorous, enthusiastic dry humping.

Strategy:

Command your SCV to collect resources, then attempt to make him deposit his haul in the enemy base. With any luck, your opponent will become so rich that he or she won't know what to do with all his income, creating a brief pause in which you can strike.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 10

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