Zerg

The larva is a small creature that holds within it the genetic information required to grow into any Zerg unit. Think Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2 crossed with a large sperm. Now think about that movie some more, and wonder what happened to John Woo after Hard Boiled.

Strategy:

As soon as the match begins, blank out on the build order that you planned earlier. Frantically build anything at all at every opportunity and pray for the best.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

The core of the classic zerg rush, zerglings are fast, swarming creatures that shred enemies to bits with their bladed limbs and make pinata parties downright terrible.

Strategy:

Unsure of the optimal size of a rush, keep producing zerglings until the match is almost over. While selecting the entire group all at once for a final counterattack, grab your 102-button mouse a little too tightly and launch Photoshop, iTunes, Word, your defragment application, and three instances of that week's Monday Night Raw in 1080p.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

Odd units which actually turn themselves into buildings, Drones have a natural hierarchy in which the smarter creatures save on rent by becoming homes while those with less intelligence morph into public bathrooms.

Strategy:

Attempt to psych your opponent out by telling him you're a professional StarCraft player. When he grills you with impossible questions like "who was Kerrigan" and "what's an RTS", tell him you're a police officer and he's in serious legal trouble.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

Capable of launching armor-piercing spines tremendous distances thanks to their advanced musculature, Hydralisks are doomed to a lifetime of being banned from presidential Zerg speeches.

Strategy:

Click on every enemy that appears on the screen with no rhyme or reason, nearly always forgetting to switch to new units when selecting new targets.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

In the first game, Queens were nothing more than controlling females that sent scores of weaker-minded men to their dooms. Now, they are relegated to staying at home and protecting the nest. In StarCraft III, perhaps they will complete the trifecta and be bad-boy-chasing anorexics with daddy issues.

Strategy:

Never attack targets that are already attacking you. They're a known quantity. Ignore them while heading for the enemy units that aren't attacking. I don't know what those sneaky bastards are up to, but I sure don't want to find out.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

An enormous aerial transport and supply unit. The Overlord makes for an awe-inspiring sight on the battlefield or above a Pink Floyd concert.

Strategy:

Before the match begins, just start weeping and feeling stupid. Might as well get it out of the way and free up some time to do stuff after the game is over.

Unit Rating (on a scale of 1 to 10): 0

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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