This article is part of the Fox on Sex series.
Fox on Sex columnist Jenny Block is recovering from gender re-reassignment surgery. In her place we welcome guest columnist and Fox & Friends host Steve Doocy. Mr. Doocy suggested this week's topic based on a conversation he had with a coach.
Fox on Sex: A Man Lays On a Woman and a Baby Comes Out
Friday, September 24th, 2010
By Steve Doocy
My name is Steve Doocy. I am an anchor TV man. I host Fox and Friends. My friends are on that show. I like to host TV shows. I drive a red car.
In 1984 I first heard about sex from a TV show called The Fall Guy. A man went into a building with a woman while Fall Guy who was a stunt man was watching from his truck. He was with his friend. His friend said, "I wonder if they're having sex." I asked my friend Terry Woozcyk if he knew what that meant. He said I don't watch Fall Guy at all anymore so I gave up trying to figure that one out.
I ended up asking the smartest man I knew, coach Randy Borger. He said sex is when a man lays on a woman and a baby comes out. That helped a lot.
A few years later I happened to be riding on a bus and a woman brushed up against me and something soft on her chest hit me. I said, "What was that?" And she said, "I think my boob hit you." A boob is something a woman has that's like a softer and bigger chest. If it touches you that means you're married. So my wife and I went into a hotel room and she tried to lay on me but I started to feel weird. I said "I don't know what to do" and I got nervous so I farted.
Years later I was driving my car and I saw a pretty woman at a stop light. She was wearing a dress that was very shapely. It made me feel good to look at that dress and so I married that woman instead. It turns out you can't do that. How was I supposed to know that, it's not like when you marry some lady the king says, "Now never do this again."
This woman in the dress went to my house and my wife was mad (original wife) but I said to her, "Look this is how it is meant to be in the Bible and I have dominion over my wife." She argued with me and I couldn't think of anything else to say so I went up into the attic and got under a blanket. When I came out six days later my original wife was gone but my new wife was still there and also some other man who she said was there to fix the TV but he stayed there for about three weeks and his name was Firebird because that was the car he drove.
Sex can be very fun or it can be scary. The choice is yours. Do what you want to do!Sex with my wife is really fun. You can only have sex with a wife (or if you are woman a husband is who you have sex with). Sex is just like coach said: when you both take off all your clothes and look at each other naked. Then when you are really ready you lay down on your wife and after a long enough time a baby comes out. Sex feels really super good. If I had to describe sex it's like eating my favorite ice cream, but with my willydink. My favorite ice cream is Neapolitan because it is three flavors so I don't have to choose. My second favorite ice cream is a tie for all three flavors in Neapolitan. I also like ice cream sandwiches.
It's possible to do sex with your mouth. This is where you put your mouth on your wife's mouth and then you open your mouth and spit into her mouth. I call this move "baby bird" because it reminds me of a mama bird feeding her little peepers. Have fun with it. Be romantic. Try chewing up a hard boiled egg. Still tastes good from my wife's mouth to mine.
Another thing you can do related to sex is when your wife gets up to go to the bathroom at night she might leave the door open a little bit and you can watch her on the toilet. My wife likes to look at her toilet paper when she wipes and she never flushes before she gets up. I do, I don't like to look at what's in the toilet because it's really weird. I never saw that before why is that in there? How did that come out of me? That's questions I think about.
You can do sex on a computer too. This is called cyber sex. I don't know what any of that means because in my study at my house all I need is a blotter and a rolodex and an electrical type writer. Sometimes I put in a sheet of paper in and hold down enter just to watch it come back out.
You can never have sex with anyone except for your wife and if you try you will scream and fall over dead.
A fun thing to do is to dress up before you have sex. One time I put on a cape and I said I was Spider Man. My wife got mad at me because Spider Man doesn't wear a cape. I thought he did though. She said he didn't. We watched Spider Man 1 and he didn't wear a cape. Then I thought maybe it was in 2 or 3 so we watched those too. I said maybe he came on my show and my wife said that Spider Man never wears a cape and that he isn't real. He is a movie character. A movie is when people act like they're doing something they're not. I was mad about being lied to so I went outside and yelled and that was when I remembered I was thinking of Super Man who isn't Spider Man.
Once a baby comes out of your wife she will get headaches all the time. That's when you can do something I call "horsing." I made it up. It's where you take off all your clothes and you put one leg up on the bed and the other foot on the floor. You lean your willydink on the corner of the bed and you rub your body there. It feels pretty good. Not as good as laying on my wife, but it's fun to think about cowboy and wild west scenarios. Sometimes I imagine I have to put a lasso around a woman and reel her in until she spits into my mouth and then I lay down and pretend to be asleep in my blanket and I watch her go tinkle on the ground.
You can buy special blankets to make horsing better. My favorite horsing blanket is one with horses on the blanket. It helps me get into the mood and imagine a better scenario. I am practically a pro-horses but my wife told me I can't do horsing anymore when company is over because it is frankly disgusting. It's really bad. She can't believe I did that all over those stupid bad-word horse blankets I made her buy. That explains the weird stains on the corner of the couch too. She thought the dog was getting sick.
Oh well, back to the drawing board. If you have any suggestions please email them to me:
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Old mixed signals feeling a little stale? Try some new ones!
day 2: still working on the car
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