In these trying economic times, when it seems like you have no money or job, a lot of good American stores have slipped beneath the surface and drowned in the ocean of poverty. As a man that loves his malls, and averages multiple mall visits per day, these eyes have been among the first to witness these sad retail losses. Despite how furious I sometimes become, and how delicate these keyboard keys are, I am writing an article for my ezine. Kids Beware, there's probably some coarse cusses below. This is a eulogy to all of those now extinct great stores, choked to death by the economic squeeze of illegal immigration and China.


Eggs & Things



Great ideas, but this chicken's flown out the coop! Flown down poverty lane where the dirty birds go to die! But there was a time of shopper's delight before Eggs & Things closed their doors! Hot and cold eggs, eggs by the dozen or double dozen for large families. Custom Eggs by Gene and fantastic coloring kits with shoulderstraps for the egg lovin bro on the go. Eggs & Things simply couldnt keep afloat in this dying American economy, for reasons which relate to Red China and their superior egg market. This egg is... Cracked!!!! Goodbye, Eggs & Things

Supple Jock Supply Shop


Vitamins and herbal supplement drive through that appeared next to the Best Buy and reclaimed the land that was once one of my favorite mall parking spots. Supple Jock Supply Shop has it all for the average hunky dude, but for a man in a car whose midsection lurches around at stoplights and turns, Supple Jock Supply Shop served little need. I've been writing to the owners of the mall via yahoo mail and with God's blessings, this author will reclaim his old parking spot or maybe they will let me park in the abandoned store ??

Bird City


Despite its promising name, the store seemed doomed to failure once customers realized each store was literally a tiny city constructed, inhabited, and fiercely defended by birds. Due to the quarrelous nature of birds, each city quickly degenerated into a tiny Baltimore and all the birds died :<

HOTCAKE DEPOT


Bought giftcards for my family after a careless remark by fantasy football teammate HotDawg666. HotDawg666 talked big game on line, and a brief but misleading search on Altavista for "SELL HOTCAKES" really had my confidence booming! Over a hundred big bucks in gift certificates later, this dude is feeling like a dumb child dump chump. Hotcakes actually sell TERRIBLY!! DONT BELIEVE THE HYPE. This is BS, my fam said no way !!!!!!! Sorry

BowlerScapes


After some web searching at the DogPile Search Site, I found a specialty mens boutique for Bowling Photography and enthusiasts (Trust me, dont question my bowlers dedication my friend.) Wall sized panoramas of fresh clean lanes, just before opening.. Its with a heavy heart and buckeye split (Bowler Lingo! ;0} ) that I inform you that BowlerScapes is no more, having failed to generate government bailout bucks in these trying times. Thanks Obama. Got Lanes on the Brain? Like a hawk that craves bargains, swoop onto ebay real quick and swoop away with some BowlerScapes before they're history!

Spooky Rinks


Innovation is dead! A thousand inventors bones are spinning and clattering in their coffins because they're as furious as I am. Spooky Rinks, if you haven't and will now never have been, featured themed roller rinks with some of my favorite classic horror themes such as "Wolfman", "Dracs Freaky Dungeon", and "Ghost Boat: Legend of Spooky Cove". Chilling lazer lights and strobes will make your skin crawl and your skates hum, but clumsy skaters kept crashing.. Come on dudes! Its a fog machine! Deal with it and skate on through! Spooky Rinks is gone now..

Discount Plants


A great store!! Wall to wall plants, probably every plant there is, Load your cart and take these plants home! Strange plants with branches of wisps and tangles, like a crazy ladys hair, strange shapes of gnarls and hooks that look like a plant from a horrid brute's fever dreams.



I know that ive been to this store but I worry that it was a conjuration in a dream.. I cant find a Discount Plants store in my yahoo search bar.. Discount Plants, are you alive or are you dead? I give you a Man's Promise I will find out.

Hood Screens


Stop your car and pump your brakes and fists, This dude spotted a deal. My guests have found themselves furious at my plain jane television, made of dark plastic and dull metal pieces, bits of tape and paper affixed to it holding neat notes and funny quotes I've written down, and some cool stickers of Bugs Bunny and his Looney Tunes crew. Hood Screens offered the wise shopper a rare chance to upgrade their tube to the status of a gilded christ/any other blasphemous show of money. Custom TV Tints, Tune your tube to be way more gold colored.. (The Midas Touch•$199.00) I unfortunately missed my chance at this one, and continue to have a plain jane television set and no longer have guests.

Blog Barn


A real landmark of values I bet, if this store's hours were perpetually on opposite day. Hah hahhh!! This store was a real shit crapshow and I'm glad it's gone, I'll bury it in piss. My piss. A dozen desktop computers and printers, you can pay to print out your fave blogposts or buy a Blog Barn Weekly Mixer, a spiral bound pamphlet of some of the funniest, silliest, hippest blogs of the week. I have my own computer and Microsoft Word. I print out my own blog posts at home for pennies on the dollar, spiced up with nutty pics and gripping trivia tidbits! all for pennies on the dollar. I have some great screensavers too, some real funny and rare ones that Blog Barn could never offer. No wonder your garbage business failed, you made it out of trash you junk dunce. Fuck you Blog Barn

Our great American economy is coughgagging and farting in a claustrophobic choking little sweaty room and it wants to die. Some of these sweet shops were merely ahead of their time, and will reappear in the future, maybe on our planet but maybe not. Some of these stores were like ticks, growing fat off the lifeblood of our innocent consumerist bliss. Is the time right for me to finally open my dream store, Cusses & Stuff? With rude license plate holders and crude java mugs that say "I'll get ruddy with ur puppy, mate. I'll snog ur dog" or maybe "Shrimp Dicked Dude" this store could be a real champ but in this economic climate I sweat and fret!! I will wait, like a falcon in the liberty tree, waiting for my opportunity.

Good Bye!!

Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis is a writer, artist, blogger, Hoobastank fan, brute, punk, jerk, hero, columnist, and lover, but not a fighter. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].

– Justin "Hoobastank" Marquis (@fart)

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